Depressed

I am so done with this quarantine.

I have no doubt that it has saved lives and greatly flattened the curve, at least where I am at, but it is driving me insane.

I feel stifled, suffocated and worthless. I know my worth is inherent, blah, blah, blah…. But when you cannot do the things you love to do, when you cannot express yourself the way you long to express yourself… When you trapped inside a home, a cage of your own making, with nothing but a toddler and husband for company…. You start to go insane.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and my son- more than anything- which is why I continue to abide by these goddamn rules that are squashing my individuality and killing my soul.

You see, my responsibilities did not stop just because a virus decided to announce itself… And yes, I am stating that it is a virus that is ending our lives as we know it, not human beings or political leanings (although some leaders are more effective than others). The virus is NOT going away- and the world does NOT stop simply because there is a pandemic.

I am dealing with tragedies everyday. I am burdened with human suffering of those around me, with no where to escape. I cannot outrun my responsibilities. I am sick of paying the price for the rich to sit in their goddamn palaces and tell us all to stay inside. I have bills to pay. I need freedom to be able to pay them. Yes, some will die, but that is inevitable. And unless we decide to tax the goddamn billionaires who are profiting off of this plague and create universal income, alleviate debt and institute free health care- we have little choice in dealing with the ultimate outcome of this plague- death.

I sound so pessimistic, but I am also a realist. The only way out of this virus is going through it…

As for the tracking and testing- great, that gives us data, but it is a false solution becaue we live in a capatilist society that will go bankrupt if we close down the cities each time their is a spike in cases- and don’t fool yourselves. it will happen over and over again, until we reach herd immunity or a vaccine is developed. Herd immunity WILL happen first.

So fuck it all. Open it back up. And let people make their own choices to stay inside or face death by venturing out. Freedom of will. That is all I want.

Thinking, wishing, missing

I think of you EVERY single day
I don’t love you anymore
But I miss you, I miss us.
How stupid and fun we were together.
The random things we’d do.
The HOURS we’d talk for and never get tired of each other.
Life is so different now, it’s been 2.5yrs since we’ve said a word to each other..
I wonder if one day when we’re old and alone, if we’ll find each other again

Another sleepless night

I spend my days carefully planning when to reach out to you next, wondering how to keep our flame slowly burning until I can finally see you again. I hope you haven’t found someone else.

I spend my nights dreaming of our reunion and wondering what lies ahead. I can’t sleep thinking about you and how it will feel to see you, touch you, hear you again. For me, there is no one else.

I miss you

I don’t think I could ever re-establish contact with you, but I miss you, God do I miss you.
I miss your laugh, and your smile, and that look you got on your face when you were concerned about me. I miss the face you made when you made a dumb joke or were trying to cheer me up.

I’m so sorry I fucked everything up between us. I’m sorry I had to end our friendship and I’m sorry I had to walk away.

I hope you’re happy in your life, I hope your work is fulfilling, I hope your family is loving. I hope you live long and love and are loved.

I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you. And I don’t think anything will ever fill the you shaped hole in my heart.

I wish I could, though, because until i do I’ll never stop hurting. And the worst pain is knowing you never cared as much as I did.

My life’s story

How will anyone understand the torment that I have in my heart. If you want to hear about my condition, then listen to my words.

I’m looking for that reality which shines even in extreme dark conditions. Since I first gazed upon you, I haven’t looked at the world. Since I have loved you, I haven’t thought about myself. In meeting you this is life and losing you is death … and there is nothing to my story other than this.

A(M)

One More Day

Can I have one more day with you?
Just so I could wake up in your arms again
One morning to wake up to your kiss
One morning just to stare at your face

Can I have one more day with you?
Just so I could hold your hand
One more road to cross while I’m scared
One more time for you to grip my hand tighter

Can I have one more day with you?
Just so I could see you study again
One more time to admire how well you do
One more time to cheer you on for your dreams

Can I have one more day with you?
Just so I could say “let’s go to bed”
One more time for you to laugh
One more time for you to give in to my requests

Can I have one more day with you?
Just so I’d realize I wouldn’t want it to end
One more time I’d say I love you
One more time to hear you love me too

Can I have one more day with you?
Just so I could experience it over again
One more day to be with you
One more day to be in love with you

Can I have one more day with you?
Just so I could make it up to you
One more day to make it last
One more day closer to being together, forever

The Lie of Life

A,

I’m here again, amidst the agony and pain. My life is a lie — all of it. You were the one that kept me grounded in reality. You made my thoughts tangible so that I could manipulate them with my hands, allowing me to form them into something discernible and understandable.

I sacrificed my heart for security and have been left with neither. The rest of my life has been built upon this lie using the salvaged remnants of my character and integrity, leaving me with only an aberration of who you had helped me to be.

The loneliest feeling in the world is being surrounded by those who just couldn’t really care less. Life is a competition with everyone striving to come out on top in their own little world. As twisted as it sounds for me to say it, I thought I was making an even trade. I know, it doesn’t justify my actions in the least, but in my moment of transparent weakness, I panicked and made a choice I felt obligated to, and I chose oh so wrong… Now, instead of having one person who actually gives a damn, I’m just damned…

I’m seriously messed up, A. My mental health has been in a tailspin these last few years, and the ground appears closer than ever. And nobody sees it. I can’t let them. I can’t let them in. I’ve gotten so good at fabricating a facade that even I can’t tell what is real or not anymore, if anything is. I miss you and all the healing conversations we’ve had, whether they were serious, deep, spiritual, or just silly. We were one and the same…. Now we’re anything but…

I do continue to wish you the best, especially in this most difficult time, given your profession. I think of you daily and would be praying for you if I could even remember how. Who knows? Maybe I’ll figure it out again, but I’m not holding my breath.

Sincerely,
E