Letters I'll Never Send

Scott,

I may look weird but I can kick your ass at Jeopardy and even if I can’t outsmart you, best believe I can out dumb you.

For 25 years you were my best friend and you had my love in all circumstances, you literally could do no wrong. A hero and inspiration.

Ever notice how I never get lost on my own or when it’s somewhere I want to go? Not going out there to be homeless with me? Neither am I and who the fuck said you were invited any way? I’ll never stay with you again? Well no fucking shit Genius. I’m divorced, ma is dead and there is nothing that could drag me back across the Mississippi and you made it even simpler. I never did anything to improve my life? Fuck outta here. 3 different times, I had it made, world by the balls. The common denominator in the failure equation? Yep. fucking with people from Hills. You. You fucked up OR, my marriage, and AZ. “OOOHHHHHI’m Mr Responsible. I don’t drive after I open my 1st beer so I can’t give you a ride home.” then proceed to rag my car out drunk driving dope fiends all around hells half acre while I sat around cuz I don’t deserve to do 5 flat, fucking pussy cut your wrist to the bone after 5 days in city jail.Your not an ‘Anarchist’ you’re a dick that breaks meaningless laws. Circle A tattoos and OFFER to wear a wire before there’s even any charges filed. Snitch motherfucker. Trying desperately to be accepted my the most fucked up people in any county. All baby rapers, wanna be cops, prison guards, inbred, stuck in 1983, weirdos. Well, you did glom onto the Gen X Jim Morrison, another dead junkie that slapped some words together and other brain dead junkies thought “with the lights out it’s less dangerous, here we are now enter anus,a mosquito, my libido, a denial, a denial’ was just profound. Hey, maybe if wear some faggot goggles and a different Nirvana shirt, the hillbillies and pedos will accept you as a Cobetto’s regular. You made it. You are one of them. And your brothers thought you should have ditched me years ago? The same pussies that fuck up way worse, couldn’t make it 24 hours in my life before crying, literal tears, “Mommy get me out of here. The streets are scary.” Do they remember the time we pulled out of IGA and I was sick of it all? At the tracks, I looked left, opened the door, said “My ride’s here” grabbed my pack, jumped out and y’all didn’t hear from me for 2 years? It was 4 days in 18″ of snow and a windchill -25 before I found a dumpster with edible food. Didn’t cry to mommy about my decision. Haven’t improved my life. What buying a trash heap and using band-aids to hold it together, committed to dying in Hills., waking up mad as hell you are alive again today? Having a full hissy over dropping a socket? Actually curious to see what adventure tomorrow holds? That kind of improvement?
You know how you all sit around bitching and crying about how bad roofing sucks, the blown knees, bad back, and you’re about to do it again because y’all lack the imagination to conceive, or the brass balls to do anything else?
How you call me dumb for not knowing how to roof? Jackass, you simpletons think I can’t put a roof on? I don’t advertise because roofing sucks, tears you down, and I see you guys. I can always ride the Luck Plane right past y’all. Same with plumbing, cars, and cement work. I’m dumb, not stupid. Send me to find a left handed screwdriver or a board stretcher? I’m looking for 4 to 5 hours on the comedian’s dime. Fuck outta here.
I figured you’d turn into a complete Bobbie. Preach the gospel like you’re in on the joke when you are , in fact, the joke. Then you ARE a biker. Scumbag, lying, thieving, back stabbing piece of shit. Gotta wait til I go make arrangements to get out then you gotta lie, say you sold the cabin and put my shit in storage. Fucked me out of my tattoo, car, the little I had of my mom’s, 17 years worth of pictures, then won’t take my calls. Coward. I hope the winter was cold, that wood was expensive and hard to come by, that you were out of people to keep your electric on. That is how you chose to go out. As a shit-fuck White. You made me feel this way. I was going to catch you slipping one day and get you on the phone, or better step out from around a corner and tell you this to your face but you stole every idea I had and passed it off as yours including the one where I die first.
You not only, don’t have to hear it, don’t have to answer for it, you died high, you fucking junkie.

That’s what hurts. My hate list was down to 1 and only because I enjoy hating shit-fuck harper now, I hate and there will never be closure.

Well I was doing some stand up comedy last night and I was just trying to do my act, and I started getting heckled. I reacted poorly and said some pretty nasty stuff to a group of Afro-Americans who were in the audience. I’m not a racist, that’s what’s so insane about this. I’m really busted up over this.

Dear Jamie,

Hi Whore! I have been wanting to confront you since the day I found out. I think you are the worst human being. I wish you nothing but misery and destruction in your life. I find you to be a deplorable human being. How do you live with yourself? How do you look your children in the eyes and advise them on anything moral? You are the worst type of human being. I wish you would just go away and never come back. You have hurt me more than words can explain. I know you were one of two individuals responsible for this pain. I have forgiven him because I love him. I don’t have any feelings but HATE for you. You should be ashamed of yourself. Why would you do this? Why would you risk everything? There is a special place in hell for people like you. You are disgusting. I used to wonder what you had that I did not have. You have absolutely nothing. You are a giant zero. I also realized I do not want anything you have. You are the type of person that would cheat on their husband and break their vows. I would NEVER EVER EVER do anything like that. I am a good human being. You are not. I am kind. You are not. I am smart. You are not. I am pretty inside and out. You are not. You are just a disgusting human being. You should be ashamed of yourself. You should also not be parenting girls. I would hate for them to grow up to be whores like you. I guess I will not be surprised when they turn out to be two gigantic whores. Their mother is a whore so the apple probably won’t fall far from the tree.

I used to think about you all the time. What did he say to you? What did you do with him? I don’t think of you very often anymore. I can go days and sometimes even weeks without thinking of your pitiful existence. I was recently triggered by seeing your number on his phone. The white trash bitch group texted. I bet she did that on purpose. She is nothing but a liar and a cheat just like you bitch. Two lying and cheating bitchy cunts. I hate that I am still triggered like that. I hate that you did this. I hate that my marriage will never be the same. I hate that I don’t trust my husband fully. I hate that you still work with him. I wish you would just go away. My mind would settle if that was the case, but alas that is not the case. I want you to suffer. I think about emailing or calling your husband all the time. He should know what you did. It is not fair to him. He does not deserve to be lied to and made a foul of. I hope that you came clean to him. I am guessing you didn’t because you are a giant LIAR, CHEATER, and WHORE.

Wishing you nothing but misery,

The Wife

The only reason I’ve put my actual real name on here, is so that you know it’s me. You don’t actually know how important it is to me, to get this message to you. If I could reach you by phone, I would. I suppose I could have written you a letter, but you might not even live at that same place anymore. I promise myself, you, and J, that I was going to always be here for you both. I only said what I did, in that last text message, because of grieving. I hope you can both forgive me. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind, so I just instantly made up some excuse to get rid of anyone who wanted so much as a decent conversation with me. Don’t worry. Other people have had this same bizarre behaviour from me. At least you weren’t the only one, so please don’t take what I said, personally. I can see why you would, but I think you know deep down that I would never want to upset you, or to break your heart. Maybe these words mean nothing to you. I’m not actually with him who I mentioned. Grief can be a nightmare to deal with. Hopefully, you’ll understand. If not, well I’ve tried to apologize, and I want to meet up with you in person, again. We have so much in common. I still love you to the moon and back. I still want to marry you, etc. I’ve never really stopped wanting to. Me and you made a lovely pairing. It would be devastating to never give it one more try. I don’t give up easily. Especially not on someone I’m engaged to. I also miss talking to H on the phone. She’s always been so friendly to me, but I don’t have her phone number anymore, as I’ve got a new phone. I had no choice but to buy a new mobile phone, recently, because of some incident that I can’t mention on here. I will tell you about it, if I hopefully ever get the chance to see you again. Sorry if this letter sounds long-winded. I just needed to get this to you. Not sure if you’ll ever find this. If I haven’t made you feel too angry, lets meet up for a coffee or something. I miss your hugs. You must be fed up of me by now. I don’t want you to feel angry at me, or resentful. I respect you too much to want you to hate me. I guess time will tell. Try not to hold a grudge against me. I dread my future without you in it. And stop holding your damn stomach in, dude. 😄 You’re allowed to breathe. You look athletic ENOUGH. I worry about you. ❤️

Pretty green eyes.

Never seen eyes that shine and sparkle as much as yours did. They were like stunning pale emeralds. The colour of the sea. Just stunning. I know this might make me sound shallow, but I’ll be damned. I’ll never find anyone with those kinds of amazing eyes again. Oh and do you remember when we did that dance together in thr back yard? And remember when you broke that table? I wonder.

That was the year I met you. When I first moved into the same building as you. My ex had passed away from cancer, in July of the previous year. So no wonder I wasn’t looking forward to 2018. I didn’t want to leave 2017 behind, as that was the final year I seen him. Life felt very blank without him, once he’d died. I felt like I couldn’t even think straight. I was like a robot. I didn’t expect to fall for another guy ever again, but I met YOU, in february 2018. And……………….

Alcoholism is a heartbreaker. I was so selfish to want to feel companionship again. So foolish to think this would play out any other way.