You accept the love….

I hate you.
I hate that you made me feel unlovable.
I hate that I couldn’t ever be sad or scared or sick.
I hate the worse I get, the less you care.
Never an apology.
You say I never hear you.
Hard to hear, what’s never been said.
Intimacy is a joke.
I give and give.
I’ve always known something was wrong.
It’s been 7 years and it’s the same.
I’ve grown. Am still growing.
And now recognizing I allowed you to do this to me,
Because I didn’t love myself. And most of all you do t love yourself.
You were a reflection of how I treat myself, but in human form.
It took for the whole world to crumble to know it’s not just me.
You never cared. And aren’t capable of it.
I’m done with feeling alone. Glorified roommates. Less than.
I deserve intimate, love, and passion from my partner.
Sucks it took for my entire world to burn to rise again from its ashes.
Emotional Unavailability is real. you are not alone. you are not crazy. You just deserve better. Someone wants to give you Better. Love YOURSELF.

Could we start over?

I’ve really wanted to reach out over the last month. I’ve missed you and your smile like hell.

I’ve missed your company. You’re something special and I was always so happy when I was around you. I was happiest when we were just hanging out, even if you were always late.

But it’s been a while now. I know I could blame myself, but it takes two.

Would you meet me half way?

I’d love to talk to you and catch up on things. I just want to know you are ok.

So I guess what I really want to know is; can I call you? Can I text you? Would you even answer?

Maybe when this pandemic is over we could grab a drink and start over. Maybe we could be better to each other this time.

Everybody could use somebody

Lovers entwined.

Family of origin

Slowly dissolving

Into new landscapes.

Trying to paint

My own artwork

As if I am Claude Monet.

Dead ends and scratched

Out stencils

I throw our backdrops

Out and go on to the next

And the next.

You can’t hush an artist.

Scribbling out faces

Aching for you.

Aching for a family

Of creation.

Dabbling the colors

Trying to paint

My own work

As if I am

Completely in control of

Destiny.

Wanting to draw

Lovers entwined

A brush of fate.

in my head

To You,
They say that you never miss your ex you just miss the company but I find that hard to believe considering how I feel about you. It’s been 7 months since we broke up and I still cannot manage to go a day without thinking of you. I know you do not want to think of me or ever see me but that is okay. Even though you hurt me and I have a million reasons to hate you, I still cannot find one that will truly make me hate you. You came into my life when I least expected it and I never realized the power you had. My emotions soon relied on you. Never in my mind would I have thought that I could have loved someone as much as you and here I am, sitting in my bed writing a letter to you that you will never see. I miss hearing your voice whether it was over the phone or through replayed audio messages. I miss your enthusiasm for things that you are passionate about like sports. I remember being excited to see you play because I knew that you had a strong love for basketball in the way you played. I miss being your number one supporter and being able to watch sports with you. I look back at the moments we shared and wish I could go back. I miss your laugh and how you lit up every room. To others, you were just another person but to me, you were my entire world. You made me realize things about love that I never thought possible. I never truly understood the importance of having that companionship until I met you J. The compassion and love that I have for you after being broken up for so long scares me. It never crossed my mind that we would break up but when we did, it was the worst thing. Not only did I lose my boyfriend but I lost my best friend. You were a part of me and when you left, you took that part of me with you. You left a hole in my heart and I have yet to find something or someone that fulfills me the way you do. I wish you would have given me that second chance to show my love and appreciation for you. When you hurt me repeatedly, the last thing I ever thought of doing was breaking this. Your first move when I messed up was to just break it off. Was I not worth it enough to you? I think of what we could have been and it saddens me. I miss you more than you know. I miss spending days with you no matter what we did even if it was just cleaning out your massive collection of cards. I miss the moments we shared and I will cherish them forever. Moments spent with you have ultimately turned into memories which I struggle sometimes to remember clearly. I wish I could go back and just hug you one more time. I wish the last time I told you was not the last. I want to go back and be in your arms. I want to tell you that I love you, but that I cannot do anymore. I wish the best for you no matter what happens in this life. I love you more than you know and I hope one day we can reconnect. I will love you from afar and continue to pray for you every night. I miss you.

I forgive myself completely

You always elude me

Even in daydreams .

I need softer kisses with

Lips flushed and cheeks blushed

And your name on my tongue

Finally being sputtered out

And your voice among the sound waves.

But you often elude me

Except in nightmares

Where I am reminded

Of the monster

Inside me.

But there is a new trend

I am learning

New perspective

New mountainsides

As I give out a battle cry

I decide

My head will be

A temple,

My forgiving

Heart its holy land.

Your name will

Not provide guilt

Any longer.

I will write the verses

Of my own bible

And learn to forgive myself

Completely.