Today is one of those days

I wonder why I can go through some days with no problem at all,
no distractions,
no extra thoughts or daydreams,
just peace and joy,
contentment and fullness

While other days I am so wrapped up in thoughts of you –

how it’d feel to hold your hand,
caress your arm,
hold onto you,
undress you,
feel your lips on mine and the warmth of our bodies together;
wondering where your thoughts are,
if you’re craving the same love that I am,
if you’re lonely tonight, and
if I can be more to you;
hoping and longing,
wishing and dreaming,
silently loving,
hungry for you

– that I can’t even remember to eat dinner

Hurt

I don’t know if I love you anymore. If I had know things more clearly I wouldn’t have left to be with you. I know you do everything for me but I can’t get over the fact you betrayed me. You keep in touch with ex girlfriends. One in which kissed you and told you in messenger she misses you. Would she stay if she knew all you do is game-drink-smoke. On top sex every two weeks cause you’re too messed up. You don’t ever want to move. Traveling is not your thing nor is going out on dates. I thought it was me but like you said you went out only when you had to or felt obligated. I feel less of a person. I was introduced to another female as someone that lives with you after ten years. The fact your father was there when you hung out with the ex that kissed you…hurts my heart. Apparently I am not that important. I changed my life to be with you. I feel I’ve wasted my time. After ten years and promises of marriage I’m losing hope. I’m not your mother. I thought I was your future. I feel like I’m at the bottom of you list. You have written poems and songs for ex girlfriends you’ve told me about but couldn’t even get me a card for Valentine’s Day. You are so comfortable in the fact I’ll take care of you and you can relax. Cake and Ice Cream. How is going to be when I start working more? My options are open now. If ex girlfriends are a thing and we are not at least engaged we are roommates. I now just owe you money. I’ll give us two more years. After that I’m walking away. I know my worth. I would never do anything to hurt you. You on the other hand think I’m ridiculous. Why? Because I’m hurt knowing you tell other ex girlfriends our issues-you hang out with them-call them and message them out of the blue. Find someone else that will put up with that. Maybe it’s my fault. I give to much of myself. Maybe I am a joke. I hope you know I had other prospects but I choose to be with you. Don’t worry I want tag you in anything best to keep your social apps looking like your single. Here’s to another two years…

Love hurts

Dear desperate lonely people,
I hate feeling this way, constantly thinking about him… or that idea… that glimpse of the idea of love i wanted, that i gave up on… then you suddenly show up out of no-where. Yes, you… out of all people i was not expecting you, you showed up from no where and just accepted me fully. I just had been hurt before. I was happy and content, i’ve come to terms and peace with never being in love again and not experiencing that feeling. That increased dopamine levels that make you forget to eat or the butterflies in your stomach that everytime you get when you see that person. Forget about all of that, it’s the way that this “relationship” could have been so healing ut i never got to experience it… its not fair..its the way how things unfolded …. its that idea that i desperately wanted. Its not fair that, i have to leave right after i realize i was falling for you, the need to express it is so strong…It hurts and it still does because i don’t know if ill ever experience that again. It hurts that i held back so much, i was scared of love. I just want to let go and give all for love but i don’t know if ill find someone whom i can love again. You’ve made me realize how essential, deserving and monumental i am… thank you for loving me or at least in my head you did. Regardless i

When you’ve been broke, you hold on to love the hardest or even the glimpse of it makes you crazy. When you had to fight for love, it becomes so special and so hard to ignore. That’s one of the downsides of falling in love.

Finding Love

There are four kinds of men in life.
I have called them Winter,
Autumn and Summer.
Summer being my least favorite
Months where the passion is too bright
And burns out fast.
Winter being men of snow who melt
In between the floorboards before you can keepthem.
And Autumn the perfect cast of shade
Who remind me how beautiful dying for something is.
I am Spring as I am always awakening
And they are forever changing.
But there is only one called Love.
And he is calling to me.

Button to Button

Dear Button,
This is a letter that will probably never reach you. It’s been about two weeks since we last talked. But it’s been even longer since we had real conversation. I still miss you so much. I miss you because we shared such a strong, good connection. I felt as though you were my best friend, not just someone I had feelings for. That is what makes this so difficult. I didn’t just lose someone I felt strongly for but someone who was my best friend. I could tell you anything, you supported me in a way I’ve always needed to feel from someone. I hate how this all ended. I can’t believe this all ended in such a horrible way. You used to let me in, tell me anything. Something so big happened and you pushed me away. You wouldn’t let me in at all. I couldn’t support you, talk to you, listen to you, I couldn’t do anything. I just don’t understand why we couldn’t of figured it out together. There is always a way to work it out. Couples work through and make a plan together all the time. I’m sure it must of felt scary. I’m sure you wanted to just jump in and fix it. I’m sure it drove you crazy that you couldn’t fix it. The unknown is scary, I know. Apart of me wishes I could take that night back that you picked me up. I wish I hadn’t of gotten out of the truck. Instead I wish I would of made you talk to me. I’ve never had you shut me out. We’ve always been so open and honest. My thoughts and feelings have been all over the place. I don’t know what to think or do. I don’t know if I should try again, if I should leave you alone, show up at your house and tell you how much I need you. But I tried, right? You kept shutting me out. You said you wanted me but yet you abandoned me. I don’t do well with abandonment or silence. It feels like it was all mistake to you. It feels like another heartbreak I had to suffer. I spent so much time hoping my wish would come true for once. The wish that I finally found a good one, the right one. The one who wouldn’t give up on me, who wouldn’t leave me, someone who was kind, smart, funny, hardworking, etc. You were those things to me and a lot more. I loved how we would build each other up, talk to each other, let each other in, support each other. Why did that have to change? I still want to do all those things we talked about doing together. Visiting haunted places, traveling, cute dates, cooking together, building your business up and just finally being happy together. I feel so silly expressing all these things in a letter. It sounds so crazy but I feel so depressed. I don’t know why this feels worse than any other relationship I’ve had. Perhaps, I just felt something more. I hear people say after a break up, “if its meant to be, it’ll be.” but I really just don’t believe anymore. Not just in that but in love. I’m trying so hard to act like you didn’t hurt me. I’m trying to pull myself together. I feel like I fell for another guy that his words were just lies again. You were suppose to be different, you were suppose to be my button in life. You felt like my button in life. I felt so strong, together, happy, everything about me just felt better. I just feel weak, stupid, a mess, depressed, and so so not better. I thought on V-Day you would show up or send flowers. Sometimes I hope you’d show up at my door or even write a letter. But no, I’m wrong, aren’t I? I’m always wrong. I told you about that dream I had. Where we messed it up again and we ran into each other and you had your daughter and we tried again. That dreams probably wrong too, because I’malways always wrong.
I wish things were different.

Two things I’m certain of, you’ll always have a piece of my heart and I’ll always wish the best for you. Even though you have hurt me, I do know your heart. I know it’s gentle and sweet. I hope you get out your toxic situation because you deserve better. I also hope you’re little girl grows up to be healthy, strong, smart, and kind. I’m sure she will because she’ll have you!

Always and forever,
Button

P.S. Maybe the point of it all can be for another life time….