Letters I'll Never Send

I wasted so many poems
On him that I forgot
What is was like to write
The lines realistically.
Like how you spoon fed
Promises
While I stayed up late
Every night at our cathedral
Hoping you would
Come here my prayers
Instead of floating
Down the river
With your other lovers
And our broken promises.

Missing
Sips, tomfoolery banter
Repetition of songs
And the way you dance.
I miss floods being drained,
The full tone of the television,
The quick witticisms
Of semi drunk apostles
Arguing over trivial philosophies.
I miss the cathedral where I prayed
To be found
For awkward dancing and
Lowlights.
Mostly I miss
People being people
A room reminding me of humanity
And the flush of love
As rivers through my arteries.
Resurging my heart with
Undiminishing hope.

Loving you was pure madness

And it absolutely terrified me

Even before insanity crumbled

And especially after.

I could not help to mourn the ways

Collision courses and roadmap signs

Diverted time after time.

All I wanted was you

But I was irreversibly terrified

Of the ways you reached me

And of all the ways

I took I knew

I could never reach you.

You know, they say when you’re constantly thinking of someone it’s in part bc they’re thinking of you. Not sure why? Or how you do? Given your current setup…do you think of me? If so, is it often.

I often think of you and have many dreams with you but I’m not sure what they mean.

I would love some clarity.

I hope to hear from you when I’m right and ready to do so.

It wasn’t easy giving into my feelings, I admit I fought hard with every fibre and sinew to resist the lure of your words and the allure of your charms. I fell, I fell hard because I knew I had fallen in love with you. I knew I wanted you, all of you. The perfections, the flaws I wanted it all. My dreams and longings were filled with together, forever; I fell deep into the happy ever after story. That’s why it hurt so much when after all we had been through you suddenly gave up. You found new ways to destroy all we had and you wielded them like a warrior wields his weapons, I became the victim of trust. The trust that allowed me to place my heart in your hands but you refused to see, to even care about all you were throwing away. I wish the world could see you now for who you are and the way you made me feel, me who shared just about everything with you in this one sided love affair. I wasted my time I guess they would say, strange though it doesn’t seem that way to me because I’ve seen the inside of your heart and there is still a part of me that will always yearn for what we shared.

I see only a shadow of who I once was. I see no reflection in the mirror; I can’t speak the words that betray my pain. Each day feels like an endless highway as I walk its crooked trail. Where are you when the sun goes down? Where are you when blue skies turn to autumn gray. Seems like only yesterday we were laughing like a couple of kids but just look how soon you changed.

Nothing stands still and so now I find myself with no fight left in me, it hurts still; yet I accept you are gone. The broken in me finally understands that your words were just a means. I filled some invisible void and now you no longer need me I am relegated to just someone you once knew. Time will force us further apart and on the final crossroads we will depart and never meet again. Still every once in a while my soul feels restless and my thoughts turn towards you. In solitude I spend the time missing you, remembering you, dreaming of you.

am

I’m sure you’ve heard it a thousand times from a thousand guys, but I want you to know that I think you are such a babe. I wish you were mine.

We flew to Colorado for old times’ sake
(All I ever wanted was for
Your kisses to keep me warm in those mountains)

We drove to Rosie’s under the trees
And instead of talking about her,
You told me it only took three dates
To fall in love with me

Please don’t tell me
That I’m dreaming