I can’t help but wonder

I can’t help but wonder how it’s like for someone to point at you & say “this is my favorite person in the whole world”. To make you actually stand out of all their other close friends.
I never knew that feeling.
Yes I have best friends and yes I have people in my life who I know that they really care about me and want me to see me do well. But I can’t help but wonder if i will actually get to live the life i imagine in my own mind.
Like… you don’t get it I literally have a whole another “perfect” life inside my head that I want my real self to live. I’m this popular loved sweetheart that is always fun to be around and when she comes in the room , all heads turn around. She has these male friends that she’s super comfortable with (something the real me struggles with) , her & her friends always do these stupid challenges and travel around wherever they feel like going (thanks Vlog Squad for this:) )
She is a reeeeeal extrovert and she doesn’t mind letting everyone know what she wants. She’s a real flirt too.
I have this perfect scenario in my head that i do whatever i put my eye into. And when I get back to reality I’m just this insecure little nugget who doesn’t feel ready to put herself out there and whenever one of her friends show her a little bit of affection she gets weirded out by it. Because she can’t imagine for someone to actually give a f about her being. She’s so used to be there for people that when someone wants to be there for her , she pushes them away.
I can’t help but wonder if I will get to make it to be the brave independent girl in my own imaginary world.

I know i said ‘She’ a lot in this letter I’m sorry lol <3

The bar that saves me

Sips, tomfoolery banter
Repetition of songs
And the way you dance.
I miss floods being drained,
The full tone of the television,
The quick witticisms
Of semi drunk apostles
Arguing over trivial philosophies.
I miss the cathedral where I prayed
To be found
For awkward dancing and
Mostly I miss
People being people
A room reminding me of humanity
And the flush of love
As rivers through my arteries.
Resurging my heart with
Undiminishing hope.

Why? Or how?

You know, they say when you’re constantly thinking of someone it’s in part bc they’re thinking of you. Not sure why? Or how you do? Given your current setup…do you think of me? If so, is it often.

I often think of you and have many dreams with you but I’m not sure what they mean.

I would love some clarity.

I hope to hear from you when I’m right and ready to do so.

Vagabond heart

It wasn’t easy giving into my feelings, I admit I fought hard with every fibre and sinew to resist the lure of your words and the allure of your charms. I fell, I fell hard because I knew I had fallen in love with you. I knew I wanted you, all of you. The perfections, the flaws I wanted it all. My dreams and longings were filled with together, forever; I fell deep into the happy ever after story. That’s why it hurt so much when after all we had been through you suddenly gave up. You found new ways to destroy all we had and you wielded them like a warrior wields his weapons, I became the victim of trust. The trust that allowed me to place my heart in your hands but you refused to see, to even care about all you were throwing away. I wish the world could see you now for who you are and the way you made me feel, me who shared just about everything with you in this one sided love affair. I wasted my time I guess they would say, strange though it doesn’t seem that way to me because I’ve seen the inside of your heart and there is still a part of me that will always yearn for what we shared.

I see only a shadow of who I once was. I see no reflection in the mirror; I can’t speak the words that betray my pain. Each day feels like an endless highway as I walk its crooked trail. Where are you when the sun goes down? Where are you when blue skies turn to autumn gray. Seems like only yesterday we were laughing like a couple of kids but just look how soon you changed.

Nothing stands still and so now I find myself with no fight left in me, it hurts still; yet I accept you are gone. The broken in me finally understands that your words were just a means. I filled some invisible void and now you no longer need me I am relegated to just someone you once knew. Time will force us further apart and on the final crossroads we will depart and never meet again. Still every once in a while my soul feels restless and my thoughts turn towards you. In solitude I spend the time missing you, remembering you, dreaming of you.