From Your Squeaky Wheel

I miss her all the time but right now I could not miss her more

Is it everything that’s happened

Is it my loss of home

Is it the fact that that piece of my heart reached out to me

I felt cared for in a moment where the heaviness was taking me under

My phone rang and it was that Pittsburgh area code, I was prepared to hear her voice on the other end

She said that they’ll call me, that she’s out for a few days

That angel has immune system problems

If this virus touches her I will find it and end it myself

I miss sitting with her

Laughing with her

I hate that I can’t tell her about any of it, in our old time in depth ways

I miss her faces, I miss her obsession with t rexes.

How to feel…

I’ve liked you for a while now. You like me too.
After spending hours with someone daily for weeks, that’s bound to happen.
But I wonder if you realize the extent?
Like, can you tell that I’m falling head over heels for you, fast?
Do you see me staring at you? Admiring your muscles, seeing new scars here and there, noticing the paths your veins take, taking in the shape of your strong jaw line?
Do you feel the sparks that I feel when we kiss? The drunken high that leaves my head spinning almost every single time?
Do you get the same butterflies that I get when I’m on the way to see you, when you’re on the way to see me?
I’ve never had this strong urge to say I love you to anyone but you.
Because sometimes, when we are laying in bed, fully clothed, staring into each others eyes for what can feel like forever…or when we are watching a movie and sit in my dark ass living room holding hands…that’s all I want to say because in those moments, that’s the only feeling I have. Pure joy, peace…love.
You make me forget about the outside world; my job, financial issues, family stress…it’s really like nothing else matters when I’m with you.
I love that you speak your mind and that you open up to me, like a man never has.
I love that you pass the blunt slow to me because you know I can’t see shit.
I love that you don’t give a fuck but you do give a fuck, simultaneously.
I love that you don’t judge me for being the sensitive person that I’ve always hidden. I love that you actually talk to me.
You ask about my days, you tell me about yours, you ask my beliefs and my opinions like you really want to know and actually care.

I genuinely love you.
I have loved before, so I understand the risk I’m taking by saying this.
But I have never loved someone like you…as incredible as you.
I don’t know if this will ever lead to anything more than whatever we are.
I don’t know if we will ever fall deeply in love and create an empire together.
I don’t know what the fuck is going on half the time, in most situations tbh.
But I know how I feel.
I know I love you.
I know I never want to miss you.
I never want to lose you.
I never want this to end.


With the present situation
I become more aware
of my own mortality
human live
time so precious
how fast it few by

I am not really scared
if my time shall come
so be it
no regrets

In moments like this
I think of you, too
Would you even know
if I were gone?
If so, what would your thoughts be?

What if you were first to go
I’d find out by some media
wow, just now i feel this ache
and I won’t even go there

Guess it doesn’t matter
it matters what we do while
still being able to breathe

What silly thoughts I’m having..
time to divert and numb them
with some Comedy on Flix

Letter to myself

I am sorry that with every guy that you meet, that you think you both can have a chance , don’t see you worthy of patience, love, care and respect. I am sorry that they don’t want to get to know you. I am sorry that all they want is to lie and sleep with you, leaving you empty. I am sorry that every word you utter to them is a joke. They don’t see you as someone who is valid and has feelings and ideas. I am sorry that they are selfish people . They don’t deserve you. They don’t deserve your time or your friendliness. They deserve nothing from you. You deserve better and miracles of blessings find you now under grace in the most perfect miraculous ways.

Unrequited love for an old man

Dear M Sensei,

How are you? I wonder what you’re doing right now. I can imagine that you’re on your table, doing office work, being completely dull looking as usual. 

I wrote this letter to tell you that I love you. Seems a bit shocking is it not? After all, although you’re unmarried, you’re almost 60 with balding hair and a thin, frail body. Not exactly the strapping young man that I typically get into.

The truth is I don’t know how it started. It was definitely not love at first sight. When I first started working with you I only saw you as a coworker. I’m even a bit scared of you. After all, you’re the same age as my mom. That can be quite intimidating.

However, throughout our meetings I started to know you. You’re more than just some old man. I discovered the way your mind works, your sense of humor and your opinions on things. You make me laugh when I am sad. You try to tell me that I am needed, that my job is important and that I can make a difference. I know it seems a bit silly to you but those words are what kept me going when I feel like I will never be happy again.

Before I knew it I also noticed small things like the way you eat your lunch just before 4th period and how you choose to eat it in a separate table and not on your desk. I noticed that you didn’t talk to other people much. You just try to blend in the background and in company parties you go home first. 

I will never forget that time when we were having our meeting at the tea ceremony room. There was a sudden earthquake. It was so strong I felt like the windows were going to break. You hugged me so suddenly. I felt like my heart was going to burst! I didn’t know how long we stayed like that. 10 seconds? 10 hours? I honestly don’t know. When the earthquake stopped you asked “Are you okay?” and I felt my face getting hot. My head must have looked like a tomato. How embarrassing. I don’t even know how I responded. I just remembered mumbling some weird excuse about how I should go and getting out of the room with a feeling that I can’t explain. Like I’m invincible and I can do anything but also I wanted to run and hide. 

Whenever we’re having meetings I still imagine that hug from you but I try to brush it off. Let’s be realistic. There’s no way I can ever be with you, though you are single I’m not. I have a boyfriend 6 years younger than me. I can’t leave him. He does love me and I don’t want to hurt him. He’s still very important to me. How strange. I’m with a younger lover but I’m secretly in-love with an old man. Usually it’s the other way around.

I always wondered, what would people say if they found out? That I’m trying to chase an old man for his money? I have too much pride for that.

I feel like I’m trash but I can at least do what’s best for everyone. I will not ‘rock the boat’. I will not leave my boyfriend and I will never tell you how I feel.

I hope you find your happiness. I will do my best too. Someday I will forget you. I’ll focus on the person who is with me. And so by writing this letter I hope I’m also burying  my feelings for you deep inside my heart. It will be hidden forever. 

Though you will never know, I will always love you.

I remember.

I love you, I have since aged 17, 10 years later, I love you just as much, if not more. I lost you, because I never thought you loved me. I ran away from you. I found my life, with another. We made a beautiful son. The ray of sunshine in all the madness, my cheeky little trouble making monkey boy, who makes my heart burst. Now you come riding back into my life now?
After everything? After I cried for you for years? Cried for a love that never was. Now, now you beg for me. Now, you take your walls down, you show me it all. But is it too late? Is my “true” love something I now deserve? After 4 years of having him? No, he never made me forget you, but he never hurt me. Yes, he tried to fill the void you left but never succeeded. He is a wonderful father and a loving partner, but just not for me. But after all that am I ALLOWED to feel these things for you still?
I remember how good you used to make me feel. How you convinced me that the world needed me and helped me through the darkness when it was threatening to swallow me whole. How you held my hand whenever I was scared. The pink fairy teddy that you brought me “because you sprinkle all your goodness over my world”. The one I still have sat at the end of the bed. When you sang to me down the phone whenever I was down. How you were my own personal little cheerleader, always celebrating with me, even about the small wins. How you drank way too much tequila with me and told me how our future would be, every last little detail. How we argued like cat and dog over the stupidest of things, but you didn’t believe in sleeping on arguments, so we always had to make up. How I got butterflies every time I saw your smile. How you would use your hand and trace words onto my back and make me guess things that you wouldn’t say aloud.
I miss it all. But, right now, do I deserve to? I have a whole other life now, but I know for sure, if you gave me one of your smiles? Hell, I’d be like putty in your hands all over again. I’m sorry for running.. I just needed more – I needed firm commitment and not pretty promises, that I didn’t know had any follow-up. I’m sorry for running.. I just loved you too much to stay and beg for someone who wasn’t ready. I always said to myself; give him time, if it’s meant to be, he will come back.. alas, you did not. I learnt to live without you – it took some time. But eventually I got better.
I made a life without you. It was void without you, but I tried. I gave life my all. I passed my degree. But it wasn’t the same, without my cheerleader there. I lost my Grandpa. You never got to listen to another one of his jokes you loved so much. I met a guy. It hurt, but he treated me right. He held me tight and he gave me his world. I allowed it. I wanted to feel loved, to know if it could feel that strong. It didn’t, but it was love, nonetheless. Then came our beautiful baby. The sleepless nights, the postnatal depression. Back to feeling numb and helpless. He helped me. He is a good man. A very good man. But he does not ignite in me, the passion that you do.
You once promised me that I would be the end for you. That no matter what it was me and you. But it wasn’t was it? So why my dear, why now do you sought to find me and pour your heart into me? Why do you come and tell me that you regret not being able to commit? Why do you tell me that you haven’t been happy all these years? That just like me, something was missing? Why do you remind me of such wonderful times? Why do you stir feelings in me that have been dormant for so long? Why do you say you yearn for me? Why do you bring all of these beautiful words and emotions to me, like they’re wrapped up with a perfect bow? Lord, why?
He knows about you, he has from the start and he does now. I am no liar and I cannot lie to a man who has been so good to me. But I can see it in his eyes, I can feel it in his hugs, he knows. And what hurts so much, is that he is such a good man, that he would let me go, to find my happiness. He always said to me, “a love like that only comes once”. He knows, because he lost his. I guess our souls met, because we both knew heartache.
How dare you come back now and do this to me? There’s a quote that goes – “if you love something, let it go, if it was meant to be, it will come back to you” – You certainly took your time, but does that make it anymore untrue?
I love you and I miss you. Right now, I’m remembering the day we went hiking – when I tripped over a stick in that ridiculous outfit I wore to impress you. I’m remembering how I cursed myself out because I then looked stupid and you said “Moo, you could wear a bin liner and I would still find every inch of you beautiful, because this is more than just physical attraction, its attraction of the minds”, that’s the day, the hour, the minute and the second, that I fell in love with you. The honesty, ingenuity and sparkle in your eyes, damn, I could live that day a million times over and still not be bored.
“I don’t know if I stole your love or if it was my fate. I only know it broke my heart to find your love too late.”
Oh my love, how disastrous this could be.