A sacrifice

Did I ever tell you about the time I was offered up as a symbolic sacrifice?
On a rare night I had a babysitter a few years back, my husband and I went to an Axeslasher show at the Hi Dive. I had been warned ahead of time that the singer very often used a prosthetic disembodied head to spray fake blood into the crowd, so I prepared my very best attire. I wore a powder blue sweater with a giant 1950s snowman on the front.

They saw. Halfway through the set, there I am front and center , and I see the singer hold up the head and aim right for me.

I’m walking out of there looking like a slasher flick dripping with blood splatter. Good Times.

News

My oh my, how the tables have turned honey. Mom showed me your post from yesterday. You provided an update on your situation. I know I shouldn’t be elated but I guess that’s what happens when you begin breaking hearts to marry that whale. However, I feel for you bc I know this is having a deep effect on you and your children. I really do hope y’all come up with an amicable solution for the sake of the kids. But bro, I told you she wasn’t for you. But you ain’t want me. God forgive me but I need to know what happened. Funny enough that I have been having dreams with you after not thinking of you for quite some time. I was getting these signs.

Nevertheless, I still think you’re my soulmate and that we will end up together but you and I have to get our shit together. I really am aiming for two years. Year 30, let’s get it.

I need to chill bc y’all could end up back together but idk this time.

I lied

Dear J,

You asked me a couple weeks ago if I still believed that one day we would end up together. I told you that I did not believe that any longer.

But I lied. I guess I thought that making me say that aloud would make me believe it, that I didn’t believe in us anymore. But the truth is, you are still the only person I imagine my life with. I have been seeing a few different people. Some I really liked and was smitten by. But at the end of the day, I still envision you. I made a promise to myself that I would stop believing you when you would say things like “I want to see you more, lets hang out more again” and “you’re my person” “I still love you,” etc. I know you mean well and I think you truly mean those things at the time but theres just something that makes you keep running away and for my own good, I’m going to just stop believing you. It’s not fair to me. I need to at least try to move on. I have already begun imagining my life without you. Possibly with someone else, or just on my own. I have goals and a lot I want with my life and I don’t need to end up with anyone even if I’d like to. But even after all of that, I still see you. I see you after you have figured your shit out. I see you remembering that we are meant to be. I see you loving me and our little girl. It’s probably not healthy–which is why I’m changing my perspective–but some days, my gut just won’t shut up about you. When I meditate and I’m completely not thinking of you, you somehow still pop up. Maybe this is just my brain and emotions messing with me and returning to old patterns. But maybe its not. Maybe we will end up together. So yes, I lied. I do still think that we will. I hope that you do too.

With my love always,
Jos

Happy Birthday

Hey,

It’s your birthday today. It’s been almost two years since we broke up and you’re happy with your partner and I’m happy with mine but there’s still something in me that makes me miss you. Maybe it’s because you’re the first person that I saw forever with and then you left me with a hole in my heart and even though I’ve moved on, it hurts when the wind blows through just right.

I feel wrong for even feeling this way. I’m engaged to someone else. You’re with someone else. I’ve moved on. I’m in love again to someone who can give me things that you couldn’t. You’re in love with someone else that can give you things that I couldn’t. But I woke up and pulled on the Warp Tour t-shirt you gave me and suddenly all those suppressed feelings came up. And now, I’m on this website before hopping onto a zoom lecture trying to understand why things are the way they are.

There are times where I wonder why. Why I dated you. Why I let myself love you. And then I think of the year 2018 and I think about how I couldn’t have gone through any of that alone. I begin to think that maybe that’s why you came into my life. That’s why I was so willing to lose your sister-in-law as a friend to flirt with you at her and your brother’s wedding. It’s not just that I think I couldn’t have gotten through it alone, I don’t think I would’ve wanted to. My fiancée makes fun of me sometimes because there is such an age difference between us, but that never mattered to me. It still doesn’t. I’d go back and relive every good and bad moment.

When we were in the midst of the initial break-up, you said something to me: you said, “if you really love me like you say you do, you’d let me go. You’d let me be happy.” I can’t ever say that I’m going to stop loving you, so I hope you’re happy now. I hope you’re in a better place now.

Happy 21st birthday, I hope it’s great.

Love,
Your first ex-partner

Happy

I had trouble being happy long before I met you. Its not fair to blame you for that. But I want to be happy. I mean, who doesn’t want to be happy! And I want you to be happy too. Ideally, I’m a reason for that.

I know that, when I am most happy, it usually has something to do with you.

Strange Wish

just once in my life I’d like to be loved
for me
and not just the strength I seem to have

just once I would like to know what it feels like to be seen for who I am inside
and loved for it

doesn’t even matter
because of it or regardless

the good & the bad
I know who I am
but who else really does?