Letters I'll Never Send

A,

I’m here again, amidst the agony and pain. My life is a lie — all of it. You were the one that kept me grounded in reality. You made my thoughts tangible so that I could manipulate them with my hands, allowing me to form them into something discernible and understandable.

I sacrificed my heart for security and have been left with neither. The rest of my life has been built upon this lie using the salvaged remnants of my character and integrity, leaving me with only an aberration of who you had helped me to be.

The loneliest feeling in the world is being surrounded by those who just couldn’t really care less. Life is a competition with everyone striving to come out on top in their own little world. As twisted as it sounds for me to say it, I thought I was making an even trade. I know, it doesn’t justify my actions in the least, but in my moment of transparent weakness, I panicked and made a choice I felt obligated to, and I chose oh so wrong… Now, instead of having one person who actually gives a damn, I’m just damned…

I’m seriously messed up, A. My mental health has been in a tailspin these last few years, and the ground appears closer than ever. And nobody sees it. I can’t let them. I can’t let them in. I’ve gotten so good at fabricating a facade that even I can’t tell what is real or not anymore, if anything is. I miss you and all the healing conversations we’ve had, whether they were serious, deep, spiritual, or just silly. We were one and the same…. Now we’re anything but…

I do continue to wish you the best, especially in this most difficult time, given your profession. I think of you daily and would be praying for you if I could even remember how. Who knows? Maybe I’ll figure it out again, but I’m not holding my breath.

Sincerely,
E

I feel like a flower wilting away
Slowly dieng
Petals slowly falling off, one by one by one
I know that there is a lot at stake
I know there are a lot of sacrifices that need to be made
Especially for you
I know you may be stuck in your own mind
I know you don’t want any part of hurt
I know you don’t want to lose face
But can you just focus on me
Truly focus on me
See in and through me
The soul that makes your soul whole
The soul that makes your soul heal
Don’t we deserve that
Looking at you hurts
Even far I see in and through you
I feel your vulnerability peek out at times
You may not think anyones sees
But I see
And even as I see, it hurts
It hurts to see you hurt, incomplete
All I want is you
All I want is to love you
I am not like the other women
I am not into games that people play
I think I have been patient enough waiting for you
I just want you to save me
I need to feel complete because I finally found a missing piece of my soul in you
Can we please at least try
I want to fall like the leaves in Fall season
Fall with you and never get back up
I want to love you with all my being
Without any walls
Without any boundaries

From the one your soul aches for too

I hate you.
I hate that you made me feel unlovable.
I hate that I couldn’t ever be sad or scared or sick.
I hate the worse I get, the less you care.
Never an apology.
You say I never hear you.
Hard to hear, what’s never been said.
Intimacy is a joke.
I give and give.
I’ve always known something was wrong.
It’s been 7 years and it’s the same.
I’ve grown. Am still growing.
And now recognizing I allowed you to do this to me,
Because I didn’t love myself. And most of all you do t love yourself.
You were a reflection of how I treat myself, but in human form.
It took for the whole world to crumble to know it’s not just me.
You never cared. And aren’t capable of it.
I’m done with feeling alone. Glorified roommates. Less than.
I deserve intimate, love, and passion from my partner.
Sucks it took for my entire world to burn to rise again from its ashes.
Emotional Unavailability is real. you are not alone. you are not crazy. You just deserve better. Someone wants to give you Better. Love YOURSELF.

Beautiful
The hardest part about missing you, is knowing I can never trust you again.

Old man

I’ve really wanted to reach out over the last month. I’ve missed you and your smile like hell.

I’ve missed your company. You’re something special and I was always so happy when I was around you. I was happiest when we were just hanging out, even if you were always late.

But it’s been a while now. I know I could blame myself, but it takes two.

Would you meet me half way?

I’d love to talk to you and catch up on things. I just want to know you are ok.

So I guess what I really want to know is; can I call you? Can I text you? Would you even answer?

Maybe when this pandemic is over we could grab a drink and start over. Maybe we could be better to each other this time.

Where are you on nights like tonight?
Where is your heart?
Who is it with?
Does it beat for me anymore?

I wish you’d be here
I wish I could spend time with you
I wish you’d want to

I think of you

Lovers entwined.

Family of origin

Slowly dissolving

Into new landscapes.

Trying to paint

My own artwork

As if I am Claude Monet.

Dead ends and scratched

Out stencils

I throw our backdrops

Out and go on to the next

And the next.

You can’t hush an artist.

Scribbling out faces

Aching for you.

Aching for a family

Of creation.

Dabbling the colors

Trying to paint

My own work

As if I am

Completely in control of

Destiny.

Wanting to draw

Lovers entwined

A brush of fate.

To You,
They say that you never miss your ex you just miss the company but I find that hard to believe considering how I feel about you. It’s been 7 months since we broke up and I still cannot manage to go a day without thinking of you. I know you do not want to think of me or ever see me but that is okay. Even though you hurt me and I have a million reasons to hate you, I still cannot find one that will truly make me hate you. You came into my life when I least expected it and I never realized the power you had. My emotions soon relied on you. Never in my mind would I have thought that I could have loved someone as much as you and here I am, sitting in my bed writing a letter to you that you will never see. I miss hearing your voice whether it was over the phone or through replayed audio messages. I miss your enthusiasm for things that you are passionate about like sports. I remember being excited to see you play because I knew that you had a strong love for basketball in the way you played. I miss being your number one supporter and being able to watch sports with you. I look back at the moments we shared and wish I could go back. I miss your laugh and how you lit up every room. To others, you were just another person but to me, you were my entire world. You made me realize things about love that I never thought possible. I never truly understood the importance of having that companionship until I met you J. The compassion and love that I have for you after being broken up for so long scares me. It never crossed my mind that we would break up but when we did, it was the worst thing. Not only did I lose my boyfriend but I lost my best friend. You were a part of me and when you left, you took that part of me with you. You left a hole in my heart and I have yet to find something or someone that fulfills me the way you do. I wish you would have given me that second chance to show my love and appreciation for you. When you hurt me repeatedly, the last thing I ever thought of doing was breaking this. Your first move when I messed up was to just break it off. Was I not worth it enough to you? I think of what we could have been and it saddens me. I miss you more than you know. I miss spending days with you no matter what we did even if it was just cleaning out your massive collection of cards. I miss the moments we shared and I will cherish them forever. Moments spent with you have ultimately turned into memories which I struggle sometimes to remember clearly. I wish I could go back and just hug you one more time. I wish the last time I told you was not the last. I want to go back and be in your arms. I want to tell you that I love you, but that I cannot do anymore. I wish the best for you no matter what happens in this life. I love you more than you know and I hope one day we can reconnect. I will love you from afar and continue to pray for you every night. I miss you.