Category: To You

I try to talk to you. I try to share my perspective.
If my telling you my perspective is “playing the victim”, then what does that tell you?
You are the villain in my story because the story is being told from my side of things.
Have you seen Maleficent?
Do you even understand how perspectives work? the dictionary definition?
In simplest terms it means: a point of view.

I have never claimed to be a good person, or even a good Buddhist.
I try to accept things that hurt my heart and cling to my buddhist belief that
We hurt because we want things to be different from the way they are.
In order to end the pain we must accept the truth of everyone’s nature, of the nature of things.
The story of the woman nursing a snake back to health only to be bitten by the poisonous thing, that is the perfect story to make the point.
As she lay dying from the poisonous bite, she asks the snake why..
“I found you dying on the road and warmed your cold body against mine to save your life. Why did you bit me knowing your bit is poison and I would die. Why?”
The snake replied, “You knew I was a snake

I know where apostrophes belong.

All the pain, all the uncertainty, all the insecurity that children of addicts feel…YOU ARE IMPRESSING ALL THAT ONTO YOUR KIDS.
Dont you want them to feel differently than you do? Dont they deserve better, as you did?
I cant imagine what you went through as a child. And why you choose to subject yourself to worse as an adult is beyond me.
No, its not. Pain. Anything to numb the pain. It all just crushes my soul. What amazing potential you have. Look at your mother today. Look at your future if you dont choose another path.
Look, I know youve been on this ride for a long time. Long before me, during me, and ever since.
But you have never met someone who loves you like I do and who believes in you like do. (Eventhough if I didnt show very well at times.)

You need to stop. Old addicts dont age well, if at all. Your pets deserve better. Your family deserves better. Your children definitely deserve better. And more importantly, you deserve to look into a mirror and see what I see. A strong beautiful woman. A proud survivor. A comeback queen. Its in you, baby.
I just keep on praying.

Do you ever take responsibility for your actions? Or just constantly blame others? Neglected clients that were the most unsympathetic, but it’s another matter that you did it to their families. They still had hope, bc you offered them hope and then you ignored them after families gathered their money to pay your retainer. I had no intention to discuss this here. But you know why it’s here, you brought us, for the most unconscionable of reasons. You constantly blame other people as having harmed you, for pointing to the public records that clearly state you are not in good standing. Clients that went on record after petitioning to have you disbarred, not because you didn’t win for them, bc you disappeared and did not work their vases, blowing off court dates, not filing petitions. You play social media games with other Attys, other researchers whose research you stole. You demonized them, claimed they stalked you. No one believes it, despite your telling anyone willing to listen. That wasn’t enough, so you decided to take matters in your own hands and engage in cyber harassment and cyber stalk other people. All to silence people that stood up to your harassment and your blame shifting lies to other people. You hang out with people that have a history of stalking to help your cause. No one penetrated your devices, hacked your phone, called your family. These are your lies…but you got someone to do this for you to people you want to intimidate and silence. Do you have a place that you use to process grief with an unknowing audience? I did..and bc of your destructive behavior, you thought it funny to hijack mine after hacking my device and browser history. Spoiled my one reprieve. You claim your critics are boundary-less. No they stuck to public forums and disputed your lies with public info. You are the one without boundaries. I hope they prosecute you and put you in jail this time.

I miss you so much sometimes. And that shit drives me insane. You didn’t choose me, so why should I give a fuck about you. The irony is I’m friends with her now. I wish I didn’t like her but I do. And the guilt I feel in her presence eats at me. Every time she talks about you I feel a pang in my chest. But I shouldn’t miss you at all. You hurt me more than you know and as much as I want to believe you’ll be there for me, I don’t. When everything happened, somehow I thought of you. On the worst day of my life, I thought of you, and how much I wished you were by my side. But you weren’t, and you never will be. I don’t think you even knew how much you meant to me, but it doesn’t matter now. I don’t even care to know if you ever felt the same. I just need to stop missing you.

I’ve been thinking about you lately. Its hard not to when I keep having these dreams. Last night we were both graduating at the same time, me from high school, you from junior college. You didn’t even go to juco as far as I know, so doubt it means anything. Except you’re still occupying part of my brain. But yeah, I was thinking about you. And trying to put myself in your shoes, to the extent I’m aware what your road has looked like. I don’t know much, but enough to know we’ve had very different lives. And that’s enough to know that a lot of my judgment has been unfair. How can I be upset at the things you say and do, if, at best, I can put together a feeble guess as to the ‘why’?

Now about me. With everything said before, I still do feel like some of my anger is justified. Its occurred to me the reason my romantic relationships have so rarely worked out is because I have always needed a friend more than a lover. Not just a friend, a best friend. Someone I can share everything with, bounce ideas off of, celebrate happy moments with, vent to when I’m frustrated, someone who has my back when I feel threatened, and that I can reciprocate for when they feel under siege. I’ve had lovers before, but I’ve never had that. Not even close. And so, I think the base root of a lot of my anger is that I don’t think you’ve ever understood that this is what I wanted from you more than anything, what I needed from you, and if you did understand I never felt like you tried to fill the part. That’s enough about me.

We had a connection once. I can’t ever forget, no matter how hard I try, the way you used to make me feel. Like wherever we were didn’t matter because we were the only two people in the room. Someone nearby would try to intrude on our bubble, say something probably stupid, and you’d flash a little smile out the corner of your mouth that only I could see, and so, that moment was ours and no one elses. So often, nothing even needed to be said, I would just look at you in your eyes, and know that we were on the same page, and know that you knew that too. I felt so special being in your presence, just talking to you. We hugged a few times, and those hugs were the best hugs I’ve ever had that didn’t come from a baby (sorry, but babies give the best hugs!). Its no exaggeration to say that, for better or worse, very few people have made as much of an impact on my life as you, A.

There’s so much negativity in my life, and I’m stuggling to cope, but I don’t want you to be a part of that. I’d rather think about you through the prism of our happy times, and the way I used to feel so important to you. Because you were, and are, important to me too. You don’t want to be with me, you don’t even want to be friends, it hurts, but its ok. Maybe I’ll make peace with that fully someday, but even if I don’t, that’s not your fault or problem. What I want to leave you with is that I am here for you, however you need me, always available for a chat if you’re sad or angry or happy or anything in between. I would never betray your trust. You deserve to be happy.

Me

To see your post has nearly got 3 figure likes and it’s so cruel….
Seems all ‘your friends’ get you… clearly I don’t….
I’m logging off again….and staying away from all that and who is wrong with this world.

.. Talk to me

1. I gave u nothing? $140 for ur habit + $50 in drawers, in a month. pay for ur own shit
2. U have no job live with a woman who tolerates u 4 some reason & U talk shit about her
3. U want to dictate to me how I spend MY paycheck and bitch about how I expect u to throw the trash, wash the dishes, cook? hmm when u dont pay any bills & the only reason I have dirty dishes is because Im NOT buying take out for 2 when Im the only paying for anything, lights, internet, rent, TP, paper towels, soaps, etc.. literally EVERYTHING i pay for, then yes, pull ur weight. WTF is wrong with u? you think a woman is going to gladly pay everything bc she works 8 hrs a day while u play video games ALL DAY and then she’s supposed to cook ur ass dinner too, and wash the dishes?? omg youre insane.
4. You are an overgrown child, not a man. I will NEVER take orders from the likes of u. You dont own me, slavery is outlawed u racist asshole! I will never stop being thankful I finally got u out of my house and my life.

Stay the hell away from me. Never come back. Keep looking for someone to mooch off you waste of life, space, oxygen, and time!!!