Category: To You

When I’m not feeling well or need a pick me up I think back to camping trip to Zion. I wasn’t feel well one of the days so while everyone went to the Zion visitor center I stayed behind at the camp site. When you came back you told me a very sweet story. When you were little you would get stickers when you were not feeling well. So you got me a sticker from visitor center to help me feel better. That was such a sweet and it did make me feel better.

I think the time has come to go our separate ways. Fully, this time. If you can’t be bothered with it, then neither should I. I’m sure you’re just stringing me along. Whatever you’re getting out of this, must be hilarious to you. Well good for you, but it’s not really doing anything for me. What’s the point of keeping my phone number if you can’t be bothered then? You’re ex girlfriend was telling me a few days ago that she actually thinks that you’re not worth the trouble. I actually believe her though. You’re only putting in half-hearted effort. Glad I didn’t hold on to that ring after all. It doesn’t matter if I remember you years down the line, it won’t stop me from being with another lad. It’s the truth. Memories are just that. Memories. It’s not as if I would die without you. I just think it’s a shame, but never mind, life goes on, and I always move forward.

I’ve only just realised that I’d forgotten your birthday. Don’t scold me for it. It was with all of the hype about christmas, and what with your birthday being in December, well it does clash with christmas a bit. 28th December. I have remembered your birthday every other year, apart from THIS year. Hope you’re not angry with me. I would never mean to do that. I even forgot my aunty’s birthday, because her birthday is in December aswell. Her birthday is on christmas day, so yeah. I will just get you a late birthday card and a late birthday gift. I wouldn’t forget your birthday on purpose. There’d be no point. xxx

I have always had a thing about you. You’re impossible to please. You’re the bad one. The one who has all the qualities but you’re also a f up. You’re my one that got away.. and you went down this path of horrible consequences. I would have given so much to be yours. I believed in it, dreamt of it, prayed for it. The first time I saw you I thought “yep they will be mine” and you were but you were also always out of reach. I’ll never know if it was me. You’ve apologized more times than I can count. I never can believe it. I wont ever believe it. I have a note in my phone of you telling me you loved me. And I read it sometimes and wonder how true it really is or ever was. I wish I could have been what you wanted before you ruined your life. I wish things could have been the way i wanted. I hear songs on the radio and think of you. I have this weird connection where I can literally FEEL when you’re thinking about me… and when you’re going to reach out. I dont know why with you. I wish I could turn it off. I wish the ONE single time we were both available for something it would have worked. Instead you turned into a junkie and left me standing there with a broken heart, a load of doubt about what is wrong with me, and a lot of unanswered questions. Maybe one day things will be different. Maybe not. I do love you though. Deeply. Truly. Stupidly. You taint every relationship I have because all I want is you. Whatever we had, it was powerful and messed me up and continues to.

Do you feel my longing?
I am sure you have forgotten
As if I had slipped out of a chasm
And into the dwelling of my own tears
While you floated away, unaware.
Locked in a prism of yearning,
The spectacle of light keeps me entranced.
But you have moved onto more shiny people
And I am still collecting poems written on walls of glass ceilings, unwilling to shatter
The mirage, the veneer of false possibilities.
It is not your fault you cannot love me.
You have always preferred wildflowers and sunny skies
While I have thought myself less of summer skies but a little more like Spring.
I am nothing like the poems you write
Of bold, intangible, undefeated women
And their intoxicating allure.
I think the best part of knowing you
Was that you helped me heal from things
I feared every day of talking about outloud.
And the worst part was knowing
You would never come close.
Do you hear the violins orchestrating another love ballad?
No, you have not.
This time though I hope you have deaf ears
And feel freedom wedged between the chapterbooks.
I know I am trying to find the purpose nestled in between each volume.

I watched the movie love, Rosie and it made me wonder if we have love like that but just keep missing each other. I don’t want to end up in a marriage like that. I want to be with someone like Alex.

My heart will always be long to you. Who has your heart?

– S

As a final goodbye to my first love,

There is no pressure that could have led you to your decisions, and I hope that one day you’ll realize that your actions are no one’s but your own. An obligatory, defensive apology does not suffice. It breaks my heart every day to know that your apology was entirely disingenuous.

And I know- there shouldn’t be any “fighting” for a relationship. Of course our relationship had many ups and downs. I am not denying that I have done you wrong in the past. I still have a pit in my stomach thinking about February. Because you know how it feels to be betrayed, I thought you would never want to make someone else feel the way you felt. I sure as hell never want to make ANYONE feel the way I have felt for the past month. And unfortunately enough, this is why your actions feel intentionally hurtful. I could never imagine you invalidating a month of dates, sleeping over, going to a concert, and telling each other how grateful we are for each other. I guess it really did mean nothing to you- as you have told all of your friends.

I knew that our love had entirely run dry the moment I looked into your eyes and saw no remorse. The Charlie I had known was gone forever, and the person who had loved me for a year was completely unrecognizable. He had become a total stranger, and in those moments of vulnerability I could not help but wish I had never met you.

Every place is a memory of you. My bed, my shower, my closet where I cried on the floor, songs, the restaurants, my car. My own body is a constant reminder of every inch you have touched and how much of it I gave to you.

My initial reaction in your car that Saturday was because I thought everything would be okay- if you could love me through a year of ups and downs I could love you forever.

I lost my my best friend for a year, someone whom I thought I knew like the back of my hand. I just still cannot wrap my head around the idea that hooking up with the girl made you want to lose me entirely. Maybe it is good you finally made me realize who you really are- or else I would’ve had an inkling in the back of my mind for the rest of my life that you were supposed to be the one.

I will never forget the feeling of walking past her sorority house that Monday and balling my eyes out. Feeling sick to my stomach and not eating for days. Calling my mom on the phone at 3 in the morning in total despair. All I wanted in those moments was to be with the old you- who was gone for good.

I thought, until that Saturday, that you would be in my life forever. I opened the time capsule that was under my bed in October and read your letter. I cried on my floor, knowing that I couldn’t be with you now if I wanted a future together.

There were so many nights in September and October that I would hover my finger over the call button, staring at the phone as tears streamed down my face, wanting to be with you. Resisting the temptation to see you- wanting so badly to have you back. But I knew that at that point of my emotional maturity, I needed to be alone. I couldn’t hurt you again. I knew that if one more bad thing happened between us it would be done forever- and I never thought it would be your doubt in our relationship that brought us so far past any point of return.

I used to think “We’ve been through so much, this must be what love really feels like.” I really did love you. And I know I had trouble voicing that throughout the relationship, but I always meant every word I said. Saying “I love you” was never something I said to reassure my feelings for you- I knew those feelings were true. Saying “I love you” meant I was committed and wholeheartedly put my trust in the palm of your hand.

I thought there was a reason we kept being drawn to each other- some fate that told us we were meant to be together. There was a certain resilience to our love- one that brought us back time and time again.

I’m not sure I will treasure this relationship. What I have done since is grieve the loss of a boy I used to know. A boy whom I loved so simply, so easily, and so strongly. The C+C carved into that tree will never disappear. As will my love for that boy I used to know. But the pain in my heart will also never disappear. This engraving in my heart from a year of loving you aches, bleeds, stings.

I am grateful I met you on December 31, 2020. Now I know what it feels like to be loved- and I am one step closer to finding whom I belong with. I know what behavior cannot be tolerated, and I know what it feels like to truly be heartbroken. I know I should always, always trust my gut.

I was never going to give this letter to you, and I never will. There is no response I could ever get that could piece me back together.

No, I don’t ever want to see you again. Obviously it is unavoidable- but if you are going to act like I stranger I guess I’ll have to do the same. It is not a question of my maturity; I don’t ever want to feel the way I did that Sunday.

I really wish it didn’t have to end this way, I really didn’t. All I wanted was for you to check in, for you to at least be a friend to me. But that is entirely gone now, too.I just hope that one day there will be even an ounce of you that will realize how much you really hurt me. I am excited to start a new life without you in it. Create a person you don’t even know. New friends, new clothes, new perfume, new hobbies, new ambitions. Right now, it’s a distraction. Soon, it’ll just be me. Somebody you will never, ever get to know.

Goodbye for good,
C

You left me alone. Too often. I don’t trust you anymore.

A kiss & a heartfelt hug at midnight new year’s eve….
from you

Sigh, you know I dont spend a lot of time on the past anymore. But I do wonder about you sometimes. Im not mad, at you or anybody, for anything really. I just have everything I need. Blessed beyond measure.
When we had dinner last, you cast an impressive shadow, in all the ways a woman. You were a stunning prescence. And it was beautiful to witness. Like, maybe I hadnt been as terrible for you ad I thought.
Then the very last time I saw you, you looked, at least to these unfamiliar eyes, somewhat sullen and defeated. It felt sad to me. Im far too humbled these days to assume I know what trials or triumphs brought you back here. Im sure you had your reasons.
My hope is that you have found your way back to that strong confident woman I sat across the table from, whatever the path you took.
My path has been a twisted one but has led to a personal paradise. I cant ever be mad at the road that brought me to a beautiful destination.
Just know, there is no hatred, no harsh feelings of any kind. But there is an echoing wish that you have everything you need as well.