Category: To You

I don’t expect anything to come from this – I would like that to be known from the start. I just have to get this off my heart and hope it is received well. I have run from, pushed away, and ultimately denied myself the kind of unconditional and unrelenting love you never hesitated to give me. I never believed I deserved it, and I really didn’t back then. I didn’t appreciate what was right in front of me, I didn’t see that what we have is something so rare, so special, and so unwavering. I was blinded by my own pain, my own self-doubt and false beliefs about myself. I didn’t realize that everything I ever wanted was in one person right in front of me. Instead, I kept searching for what I thought I needed in others instead of looking at myself and realizing what was missing was something only I could give myself – and ironically, what you were giving me all along – unconditional love that most people only dream of experiencing. You are the most incredible person I have ever known. The one with the heart so strong you’d say it was made of gold but that you’d also say is so tender with pure love and genuine care. I am so sorry that I didn’t appreciate that as much as I should have, as much as I truly do now as I grow and mature. You have always deserved better; more than I could give you. What does a girl who doesn’t believe she is worthy do when she meets and is loved by someone so absolutely good-hearted and deserving? Well, naturally, she runs. She runs until she can’t run anymore, until she’s tired of running from herself and the things that have haunted her.

I know I am probably too little too late, and you’re thinking you’ve heard it all before only to be completely let down by me. And I absolutely have let you down in every way I could. But you are my missing piece. I have learned an incredible amount about life, love, and myself the past few years to know that I am tired of mediocre, of settling. I want a life of deep love, a life of adventure, a life of joy, and I know that no matter what we’ve been through or what we might go through, you are the one I want all of that with, the one I HAD all of that with.

I know this seems sudden, but it has been on my heart for longer than you even know. I know you have moved on and this is probably so selfish of me, but I can’t go on without it being said and knowing I gave it one last shot to really be, if it’s meant to.

I’m not naive to the fact we have to meet each other again, learn who we are now as people since so much time has passed and events have changed us. If I have that honor of relearning, I will never take that for granted. I know I will only love you more for who you continue to become.

That is all for now..

Forever loving you…

Trying to love salty tears

And less of hopeless causes.

Trying to love new music

And forget ballroom dance routines.

Trying to love what is placed in front of me

Instead of looking in the rear view.

Trying to get rid of Nostalgia

While making out with her right now.

Trying to saw off the parts of me

That loved and lost

And keep a lid on the madness that comes

With caring so deeply and recklessly.

Mostly, trying to time warp

To a beautiful centerfold

Where it all makes sense to me

And I am not left in the dark.

Someone said darkness can be a gift.

I wonder if they ever thought like me

That darkness is where

A star relearns what makes this

Dull throbbing, ordinary fucked up place, absolutely

Beautiful.

All I have known are lessons taught over and over again

And somehow I can’t read the fine print.

Trying to make the Last 10 years

Seem less like wasteless paper with scribbles written on it

And more like a beautiful mold

That built me.

I just can’t see it now.

The mysterious workers performed their whatever repairs they needed to restore water function to the sizeable area of impact within a reasonable timeline, with success by the morning. What a relief! But you ever see the stuff that comes out of your pipes when they haven’t had anything running through them in a minute? Nasty black debris you have to run for a bit to clear out.

As I write, we gets an email about another water shut off in a few days as a water shut off valve is replaced at a nearby homeowners.
Someone else must have had a really rough night.

Sometime around 7:30 my neighbor calls me to ask if my water is working because hers is not. At this time I also discover ours is completely off as well.
My husband goes down to the garage to see if there is a pipeline burst anywhere. As he does, my other neighbors chime in that they too have been affected with the water outage.
Within an hour recieve an HOA email explaining that there is a broken pipe somewhere and suggest that it may be a number of hours before water returns.
We discover on our neighborhood app the outage extends multiple blocks away.
I frustrate my husband talking about the possibility of attack on the water grid based on an article I had read a few months back about a hack that had been intercepted at a water treatment plant within a proximity of concern. He calls it panicking. I call it , troubleshooting while I assess the necessary concerns to prepare for based on the longevity of the inconvenience.

It’s been so long since I wrote on here, years! I was very sad when I used to write on here and had things I wish I would of said. Sometimes I would be delusional and think some of the Anonymous post or posts are about me. The hope I carried. I guess I’m trying to say is that I am hurting again and filled with words I can’t say to you anymore since we no longer speak. I miss you so much, I see how I was wrong but I wasn’t ready either and didn’t do you wrong, you said that I will realize things later on but little did you know I already knew all that. I don’t know how much longer I have left but regardless just know, I’ll see you on the other side bb

You really hurt me, I don’t think it’s been a long time since something hurt me so much. I never thought you were capable of hurting me like that, you destroyed my self-esteem, you made me feel like the most morbid and disgusting person in the world, today I feel better but insecure, vulnerable and sad. You have to leave behind so many toxic precepts you have and respect people and be impeccable with what you say to them so you are not irresponsible.

Im letting you go.
Not sure why just now but its a good a time as any. I won’t look at your Instagram, won’t see what woman you have fooled. Won’t worry about her mental health, think about her crying with her back against the door. I won’t want to warn her to run or save herself. Thats not my path now.
If I write this to you then it will be true. Your power had gone a long time ago, but still as you promised, you have haunted my thoughts.
I see you’re working with teens now. Really? Sarah – it’s not your path – you can let him go.
I could write and write and write, about all the wrong and spread the blame, enveloping everything you are. But hat has brought me no joy in almost 9 years. Maybe one day I could forgive you. That could give me some real peace. But for now you can fade into silence. That silence that heals and births new life.
Yes, I could do that. Once day.

Through out the days, weeks, months, now years, something always seems to bring me back to you. Cacophony. Im reading a new fantasy themed book series and the word cacophony threw my head and heart into a frenzy. But not like it used to, where I’m ultra depressed and missing you like my heart had been stolen and drowned at sea never to be seen again, no. This time it was joyous. I smiled at the thought of our cacophony moment. It was a twilight smile, genuine and joyous. I remember it like it was a heart skip away, we were cuddled up in bed and the blankets were a mess, all tangled up in between us. You were complaining and called it a cacophony. You were clearly sleepy but I couldn’t hold my laughter back, oh the taunting after that. I couldn’t stop giggling and asking what In the world you meant. We looked up the definition just to be sure of the meaning and you were far off. The was the first time I head that word. One of the hardest giggle fests I’d ever had. You were always the best for that. You made my heart sing and laugh and feel deeper than ever. This is the first time I felt genuine happiness while looking back at us In over 2 years. I don’t believe I will ever love anyone even half as much as I loved you. The acceptance of that is difficult. They always talk about how time heals all things but that’s not entirely it. The time allows you to separate and accept. It’s a cradling ancestor that will never leave, will allow you to walk for as long as you need in the depths of solitude until you are ready to re-emerge. It’s the acceptance that heals. When you’re finally able to accept this new reality, that is when you truly begin to heal, to move forward, to try bolder things.
I miss the you I knew, but the monster I tore myself from, know I hope you find peace. A healed mind and peace.

You were what my intution told me.