Category: To You

dear alex and jack,
i understand now why you felt the way you did before you did the irreversible thing you can never undo. i know now they emptiness and loneliness and depth of feeling hopeless. i find myself needing reminders of the good things, of how this too shall pass and this pain is only temporary. i feel my head in my hands as though i were going to pass out and i am a child and floating. i wish i could shirk all responsibilities, could leave it all behind, could float. yet i cannot do such an unchangeable thing. i know i am loved. i know there is good in people. i am good. i am people. people are good.
time will let this go, and in a few months it will be gone to the wind. things will get better. i will make it through.
hell, in a week it should be better. i know alex, i know jack. im sorry. ui understand the pain now. im sorry i could not stop it for you. i can stop it for me. i love u both immensely. this will pass.
thank you for your lessons to me.

Why won’t anyone love me? I’m just not good enough, and I am a fool to ever think otherwise.

No real purpose for posting here. Just venting. An ex sexually assaulted me years ago. Turned BDSM play into rape. And really it damaged me and my life. I loved him. And in the aftermath I was so confused and wounded, and really mentally damaged by it. Convinced it caused a mental breakdown then. I’ve never really gotten over it. And he has a good time, good life, good career. And for me, it just completely obliterated me. My life. Goals. Identity. Aspirations. Career. Relationships. All damaged. An in therapy. I figure in hindsight it was a mistake not to take him to court or hold him publicly accountable. People think the metoo movement is over, like all the goals have been kicked. They haven’t. Even that is smoke and mirrors. There are people with powerful positions and careers, and people aware of their actions that say nothing. That show them support. He has support. I’m just ranting. But feel like I had to. We were through a process of supposed reparations. Really he just used thag window to retraumatize me and gather his assurances that he could protect himself if and when. I exposed him or took him to court, something I would have never wanted to do. Now I’m not so sure. Kind of want to name him now. But then that’s all my life would become. Me taking on the guy with the profile and more tha. Likely being publicly vilified for all my reactions to the sexual assaults. It’s gross. Just sharing. Sharing because it’s better to share here than just start screaming it into the world like my body seems to want to. I don’t want anyone to have control over dictating my future, but it seems for now, no matter what I do, it’s always a consideration. Even In Intimacy with others he’s like a ghost lurking in the room, like nosferatu or something. I guess I’m just saying I know, from experience the metoo movement hardly scratched the surface on the amount of men with profiles who do what they like. I really hate him. I never knew what it was to hate someone before. Rambling. Is what it is. I just wanna overcome it. Horrible to know this is the risk we, women take when we enter relationships, amongst many risks, I could never have foreseen extreme experiences of sexual assault as being a risk I was taking. It’s fun to be playful in sex, with boundaries and limits, it’s terrifying when someone takes all those boundaries and limits away until the point where words like no and stop mean nothing. Can’t explain it better than this. No one unless they experienced anything like this could ever understand. Oh well. I won’t be posting about this again. I just needed to vent it somewhere.

Dear Simon,

It has been 365 days since I have seen your face. Touched your hand. Been kissed on the forehead by you. I knew we were struggling…you had lost attraction to me. You had not been the partner that I needed…you weren’t working, you weren’t trying to better yourself…you weren’t ready to be the father I needed you to be to have children with you.

I miss you. We could have figured it out. If you had talked to me sooner, we could have worked on…I could have worked on my body image…if you had been willing to work on your work ethic. If you could pay my dad back for my ring…..if you could have just gotten your drivers license…if you could just have applied for jobs after graduation.

Why couldn’t we make it work? Why wouldn’t you just be the things I needed? We loved each other so much in the beginning. You then claimed that you were forced into being with me. Forced to marry me. I thought that was what we both wanted….

I miss you … I miss what I thought we were….

I wish you would call me.

It wasn’t when I hit puberty. It wasn’t when I realized some of the shit my father tried to tell me actually made sense. It certainly wasn’t when I decided to just start telling the truth and treat my father with respect and my wooden form became human flesh like some Pinocchio allegory bullshit. It wasn’t one woman, who stuck by my side no matter what until I matured to the point she actually wanted to be a permanent part of my life.

It WAS when I started taking accountability for my actions, even when I knew I was right. It WAS when I stopped blaming everyone else around me for problems I had, that I could have completely avoided by a different set of actions. It WAS when I started actually listening to women and stopped judging them. Mostly, it was when I put aside all the bs “woe is me” and started deploying my considerable abilities to help all those around me that I could who were vulnerable and could not help themselves.

THAT is strength. That is power. That is what being a man is all about. Praying to God that he gives you the strength to Shoulder the burden upon yourself to impact someone else’s life for the better. Girls are forced to become women by the time they have their first period. Boys 2 Men?? Not even ever guaranteed to happen in a hundred year lifetime. I’ve seen several times the light finally click on for someone in their 70s or 80s after they were told they were gonna die soon, they finally figured it out.

But that’s the cost, to be a real man, to be a good man, is you have to accept that your life is secondary to the lives of all those you care about, and you have to pay that price every damn day.

But, hey guys, its soooo worth it.

In the last 72 hours or so I have had 3 people ask me to save their life. One of them I was able to help, almost at the cost of my livelihood. The other 2, I really don’t know right now if they are ok. I care about both of them a lot and I am freaking out. This has been my life for the last few months, esp. since Christmas. It’s just nonstop. Calls at 430 am . I’m safe for now, but I’ve been barely sleeping or eating, my hair is starting to fall out. I can’t talk to anyone about everything that is going on or I will lose everything. I have asked everyone I can think of for help and most people have either completely ignored me or literally screamed at me and told me I was a pos for trying to help these people that have no options left. Not everyone. There are two very special women who dropped everything to help me help someone else who was in crisis. That’s what’s keeping me going right now. Barely. I feel the walls closing in on me, I wish I could talk to you A. I really feel like I need to pull the ripcord on my whole situation pretty soon.

To Robin Williams,

First I want to tell you that I’m sorry. Years ago after having heart surgery, you posted on social media that you were getting better, I commented. I don’t remember my exact words but it was something like I’m glad you are recovering. You responded to me and said thanks for the good wishes. I thought it wasn’t the real you, I thought it was a troll and I replied by saying something nasty, telling you off for trolling and to go get a life. I didn’t find out until after you had passed that it was the real you who thanked me for the good wishes.

I’m sorry I was mean and nasty to you. I’m so sorry.

The second thing is I wanted to thank you. I learned humour from you and your humour always cheered me up when I was down. Thank you for sharing your gifts and talents with the world and thank you for your humour.

I wish I could have met you and thanked you in person. You are truly missed and there will never be another like you.

R.I.P Robin Williams

Happy Birthday!

No, I did not forget. I just… I believe it’s the best if I avoid to text you or call you again. I don’t wanna hurt you anymore.

I really hope you have a beautiful and blessed day. I hope you are super pampered for your family, your friends… and her.

I wish you all the best. I really wish you heal your anxiety… and heal, in general. I really hope and pray you achieve all of your dreams and the ultimate happiness. That happiness you couldn’t achieve with me.

So, I set you free.

Because I love you, I always do. I still miss you. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough.

-L.