Toi

Je ne sais pas ce qui s’est passé, ce qui s’est passé, cela fait si longtemps. Je devrais être guéri maintenant mais je ne peux même pas voir nos amis car tout revient, tout a basculé, un stress incontrôlable, un vide dans l’estomac, tout le monde me manque, y compris toi. Pourquoi as-tu fait ça, je ne sais pas quoi faire.

I almost sent this to you

Til dig,

I first met you when I was sixteen and I paid no attention to you for eight years. Eight years I have known you and never once before now had I considered you as anything but my friend. And then one September night we danced until 3 am, long after the party was over. And then in November, you watched the sky waiting to see Northern Lights while I watched you.

Gratitudes

Every day I make space for a few daily gratitudes. Things that I value and miss when they’re lost, a nice warm shower, a pillow that’s soft, food for the soul and a healthy body. When company is good, I like that too and I’m grateful for kindness and all forms of its beauty. Some days are better than the others, but I’m grateful for hearth and I’m grateful for shelter. As a maiden I was wreckless, impervious as Iron. As a mother I’m of a more firm mentality,guarded and grateful of the days that end smoothly, a drill sergeant of sorts, but I find they don’t mind, I’m grateful for the I love yous that temper my mind.I’m grateful for the time and grateful for the place. I’m grateful for the order, when it is not always so.

How do I make you respect yourself?

Darling, respectfully, your life is a fucking disaster. At least the last 7-8 years you have literally made every terrible decision you could. And yeah, not jumping at the chance to date me is one of them, but really that pales in comparison to the ways you damage yourself on a daily basis. You love to think that you’re a shameless Fiona but really I know you are secretly ashamed and you probably should be. YOU JUST LOST YOUR DOG FOR THE SAME REASON YOU LOST YOUR CHILD YEARS AGO. On that J***** shit. And you want her back but you will NEVER get her til you get your shit together. You literally had two pets, you let your asshole gay boy abandon the first til I saved her, and you lost the other one a couple weeks ago. How do you lose a pet that’s supposed to stay in its cage all day???? You are irresponsible, immature, unstable, maybe the least reliable person I have ever met. You can’t even admit any of this shit to me after me knowing enough at least for months. But you’d rather push me away time and again than actually grow up and start acting like an adult. Thats why all the people you hang out with are POS’s….it’s no mystery babe, you are too. And it makes you comfortable to spend all your time with people as shitty as you rather than to be with me where you will be constantly reminded what a fuck up you are. You said you wanted the meanest N**** alive….count your blessings I have grown and I care about you too much to actually show you this side of me. Like you said “ask my ex”. Someone I trust told me I’d probably have to wait until you’re 30 until you’re mature enough to be the kind of partner I need you to be. Honestly, I don’t think you’re gonna still be alive then if you keep going down this road. Regardless, hun, I’m gonna be long gone before then. I’ve got things to do. I’m here rn paying for my sins, and I’ve paid dearly. But while you’re watching MY HBO with the guy who can’t even fuck you without prostate stimulation much less rock your world like I do every time, I’m out here making moves, building connections, saving your ass from behind the scenes, and generally just grinding. I don’t belong here. While you were busy getting knocked up by your AB husband and getting addicted to hard drugs I was busy giving up my entire life to start a new one in a place where I can take my considerable talents and compete against literally the best in the world. It wasn’t my choice to leave, I didn’t have a choice. While I’m here I will always love you and protect you. Have I ever not shown up for you? If you can get your shit together soon, I WILL take you back there with me and you will have a life you could never have even dreamed of. I’ll get your kid back too. I can literally do whatever the fuck I want if you haven’t noticed. You’ve got to actually change. Forget respecting me, I know that’s not gonna happen for awhile, you need to start respecting yourself. So you stop making all the self-destructive choices that are whittling you down day by day. Idk how to get you there, but I am trying to figure it out love.

Until next time.

This world’s an ugly place, but you’re so beautiful to me

Every stolen sacred kiss,
Every opportunity missed,
Every eternal second apart,
The million ways I know your heart…
The myriad pillowless pillowtalks
The sweetest passion, more fierce than a hawk…
The prayers
The dares
Peel the onion, revealing the countless layers.
That is to say in a way as unsubtle as a whore:
I am yours.
I am yours.