Ok so you said we’ll talk, and I have a sinking feeling I know what that means.
So here I will lay out what that will be, then show you I predicted it.
So the why you think we need to talk is, the e-mail.
You think that I think you secretly like me but won’t admit it.
Well newsflash, I know you don’t.
What I said, was simply about the fact you felt bad, when you told me what you did, well I just wanted to be clear, you need to forgive yourself.
And when you did find a person, don’t put that pressure on just you.
I find that you are an amazing woman, so I believe anyone would be crazy to not want to matter to you and earn your trust and respect. It is why I said, tell them the rules and if they won’t play, say bye.
Quite simply, if I was lucky enough to be the one (and again, I know I am not) I would wait for you, because I absolutely respect you, I absolutely support your beliefs.
Oh and the ironic bit?
Years ago I prayed-If you are real, then find me someone who makes me happy, excited, who I would love to share my life with. And I said, look, I will adopt a faith if you do this, there is only one being who could, so either make me love who I wish I could, or find me one who ignites a fire in me, then I believe.
Then you came along, oh the amusement to find out your belief. But I said, ok god, I love being around her, I respect her, I am happier in her presence, so, if she wants me, I will wait, but that she wants me, well it matches everything else.
But it’s a joke because the original prayer was when I realised I just am trying to do the right thing but i forgot as my faith waned.
When I added on to that prayer, it was because I still did not believe but kind of wanted to.
Now how I know you aren’t interested? Well because we both know your reasons fall flat.
Even the converting, because I would be a better one than most others, and that’s absent faith, with the faith definitely.
But it does not matter, you know all the things I could say, you haven’t any doubts on what person I would be, willing to do the thing you said (the naughty thing) willing to support you, be there, you know I’d be faithful, that I would be willing to wait for you before doing anything, that I want to know you, that nothing you do could be shameful and that i would listen and care.
But it doesn’t matter, you can no more force yourself to feel than I can force myself to switch it off.
But make no mistake I know you don’t, as such I won’t be pressuring you, hinting or asking, that was why I said, if you ever change your feelings, just say.
On the assumption that just wont happen, of course I am gutted, you are gorgeous, funny, entertaining, exciting just make me happy. So, I will shut my mouth and take what I can get
Except I will because I have no choice because no one cares what I think. Someone in my friends group says the ‘chess instead of checkers’ phrase ad nauseam and I could point out that saying that doesn’t make you cool if you don’t actually know how to play, but no one will care because he makes a lot of money and could help them get a job and I can’t. Ditto the guys who wish violence on every prominent Republican, as though their policy views alone set them apart from the Maga trash storming the Capitol right now. Or the maga trash wearing their stupid red hats at the grocery store instead of a mask more than a year after covid started. My God this country is so broken. We are all fucked if there’s ever another world war or an invasion or anything that requires Americans to sacrifice for the greater good cuz millions of people won’t even put a fucking mask on or wash their hands like youve got a constitutional right to be a disgusting germ factory. Hillary was absolutely right with her ‘deplorables’ comment, but she was also right about going high when they go low, which is pretty much paraphrasing the Bible. But integrity? Morals? No one gives a shit. I don’t understand how even before 2016 one couldn’t look at Trump and his complete absence of character and know what a disaster it would be if he was ever given real power. But I’ve had to sit by and watch pretty much everyone I care about getting sucked into q anon and tucker Carlson and covid hoaxes and guns and ‘all lives matter’ bullshit because it has so many YouTube views or tv ratings or abortion non sequiturs or just because it’s how they were raised and they don’t have the fortitude to formulate their own beliefs. But what do I know? I don’t have a fancy job or a German luxury car or even a real girlfriend, why should anyone listen to me? I guess that’s why I write here because all this anger needs to go somewhere or I’ll explode. Rant over. Y’all can go back to pretending like you care about things until it personally affects you.
A Love Letter
I told you I had fallen for you. Not in the way I wanted to. It was a passionate moment and it just slipped out of my mouth. I couldn’t stop it. I told you I wanted you and you asked me why, the only thing my body, mind and soul would allow me to say was that I was falling for you. I’ve wanted to tell you how I was feeling for a while now but my tongue would swell and stop me from telling you. I’d overthink it and say something silly when you asked what was on my mind. I think you feel the same but I know you’re bad with feelings so I won’t press. And I’ll never show you this. I just wish one day you’ll say it back.
You’re not happy. What can I do to change that?
Did I live before in a different time, a different body? Will I live again in the future? Have I learned from my mistakes this time around?
I yearn for things long gone from my marriage – desire, intimacy, respect. I fell so far from my ideals, and I cannot find the will to get out of these depths. If I don’t manage it in this lifetime, will I have a chance in another? Please Universe, help me find the will.
Who am I, what does anyone care, and why do I bother? I work hard, I give as much as I can, I love as much as I can, but it is all taken for granted and sometimes I wonder if it is all worth the suffering and effort. The answer is, absolutely yes. I don’t work hard for me, I work hard for my family. Do they always appreciate it? No. But as long as I can last long enough to see them all grown up and happy, I’ll be happy. Although life can get you down sometimes, hang in there. In the best way, it’s not about you. It’s about them. Those precious, innocent lives that rely on you to guide them and support them. Life’s hard, and the best way to prepare them for it is to stay tough and show them that, whatever life throws at you, you are unmoved and in control. I want my children to be better equipped than me, and that means I have to be better than me. Rise above yourself, and the very best person you can be
It’s been ten years and I can still feel the you-sized hole in my heart as though our last kiss was yesterday. I can’t help but cry when I think of you and how I haven’t felt complete since then.
Things have a way of working themselves out. I hope you’re having a merry Christmas.
Dear Aunt Jo,
Your niece and I had been dating just about three months when you passed. We call it our week of hell. For her there were a lot of work mishaps and for me I lost my job in the midst of the hardest finals week of my life. I will never forget the phone call I got the morning after you passed. Your niece in utter distress. Me not trusting her to drive to her family 45 minutes away. I will never forget how this event was the thing that got me to walk into your brother’s home for the very first time. To sit with him, your sister-in-law, and your nieces. I have lost people in my lifetime, but the way they talked about you. The way you loved, the way you cared, the way you would’ve done that to me. But I am thankful for you, grateful.
If it wasn’t for you introducing my now father-in-law and mother-in-law, I wouldn’t have my wife. I wouldn’t have the person who fill the emptiness of what I thought was my cold heart. I have you to thank for that. And if any of what was said at your memorial was true, I really wish I could have met you. My wife and father-in-law, your niece and brother, keep telling how much you would love me and I don’t think I have the words to really express how much I would love you. I would be here, sitting in my wife’s childhood bedroom on Christmas Eve if it wasn’t for you.
Thank you, I love you,