You flirted with me too

Your eyes. gosh. From the first moment I saw them, I knew I was in trouble. And you were so friendly. Seemed a bit shy at first. I think “shy” is my type.

Starting a new job is scary. I don’t like being “the new girl”. I didn’t know anyone there. We had two shifts together. That’s all it took for me to fall for you. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always looked at peoples lips when they talk. The eye contact is too much. But now, because we’re wearing masks when we’re working I can’t do that. So I look at your eyes. And they make me weak. Your gaze is intense. There’s something here. I feel it. You feel it too right? So I casually flirt with you. Nothing too obvious. You flirted with me too.

You were done with your shift 30 minutes before mine. You came over and stood by me, making a list while we talked. I thought you looked a bit nervous. I thought you were going to ask me for my number. I would’ve given it to you. I asked you when you were working next. Turns out we were both working the day after but you had the morning shift and I had the afternoon one. You laughed said that it sucked because you wouldn’t have anyone to talk to during your shift.

We had an overlap of 90 minutes. I came in earlier so I could talk to you. Just you. I blowdried my hair because I think you like my hair. I got to work and couldn’t see you anywhere and I didn’t want to ask anyone about you. I’m new. I didn’t want them to know I liked you. That’s who I would become “the new girl who likes (you)”. I started my shift and thank god for the masks, no one could see how upset I was that I didn’t see you. Where were you? Our 90 minutes were running out. I wasn’t scheduled to work for the rest of the week. I didn’t know when I would see you next. I already planned out the conversation we’d have when I saw you. 60 minutes pass, I still didn’t see you anywhere. I gave up. I figured they changed your schedule and you weren’t working today. My heart sank. I wouldn’t get to see you for a while. Then just before your shift was supposed to end, I saw you. And then I saw her. You didn’t see me. You walked with her to buy something and went to pay for it. Then you left. On your way out I looked at you and you saw me. You waved and I had the quick conversation I planned out while she stood behind you. Waiting. You gave me a small laugh. And you looked uncomfortable. She smiled behind you and said bye to me. And you left. With her. I watched both of you walk to your car and drive off.

The rest of my shift went by in a blur. I couldn’t wait to get home. I felt stupid. So stupid. We never spoke about being in relationships. You were being nice and friendly to the new girl. I thought you were flirting with me too. I thought you felt something too. Did I really just imagine all of that? Did I say something that put you off? I’ve replayed all the conversations we’ve had together, every glance from across the room and every moment you looked at me and I felt the butterflies in my stomach. I haven’t felt like that in the longest time. I almost forgot what that was like.

I don’t know when I’ll see you next. I don’t know how to act around you now. For my good, I need to distance myself from you. But how can I? When all I want is to look at you and I want you to look at me. With those gorgeous eyes.

Letter to my First Love

There are some things that I have to express and they’re confusing. The girl I used to love (and still might just a little), how do I even begin to describe her? I met her when I was 11 or maybe even 12, an age where I was so bitter and angry that when she approached, heart on her sleeve, hands reaching out with friendship all I could do was recoil and spit venom at her. With most people, they would have seen the violence in my eyes and given me up as a lost cause but somehow you must have seen something else because you never stopped approaching me with nothing but compassion in your eyes. Sometimes I wish you would have stayed away, maybe I wouldn’t have hurt you then.

At a speed I could not have anticipated you became my best friend, not that I would have ever admitted it to myself, and I would go to you with girl problems and I never noticed that even then I was hurting you.

And then we fell in love, and that was the beginning of the end for me, everything revolved around you, I swear that it was like gravity shifted and I was caught in your orbit. I don’t know if you ever felt like I loved you less than you did me, but it’s not true.

I loved you with everything in me, in spite of everything in me. I swear it was like I was drowning, the way I loved you felt like I was always on the cusp of imploding. It was violent and my heart tore at my chest to offer itself unto you.

When we kissed my skin felt like bursting into flames and lightning charred the inside of my veins and I was lost, lost, lost in you.

I loved you so, which is why I couldn’t keep going, I burnt out, I couldn’t keep up. I made you unattainable when I already had you. But I was losing myself and I couldn’t afford to.

But the worst part, is that it wasn’t always passion and burning.

The moments I miss more are the ones where you would become unbearably human. Memories of sitting on your feet because you thought your toes would fall off. Memories of shampoo in my eyes that you would tenderly wipe away. Of gel and hairbrushes and your capable hands taming these wild curls. Of snow days spent watching movies. of handholding that would light up my soul. Of drawings that you would make of the two of us. (I wonder if you make them for him) Of gentle singing when you were focused. Of earth-shattering worship that would bring down the Kingdom. Of tight sock buns and even tighter hugs. Of front lawn conversations in the dark. Of slow dancing, of learning how to dance because I wanted you to have a partner in me. We fit, you made me feel needed in a way I craved, I was ready to give up everything for you.

Suffice to say, I miss you. Today more than others. And I’ll probably never stop loving you in some capacity, you were my first love, but I hope you aren’t my last.

I miss You W.A

I was thinking of you the other day.. Especially on the day of your birth 17th July ,a day I will never forget even tho I think that you think that I did lol .Some of my passwords are still your birth date I just never bothered to change it after all this time. 1707

I am sure you had a very happy and blessed birthday with those that you love and who loves you. You have 1 of the kindest souls I have come across in my life. A Strong woman that can overcome anything life throws at her. I really miss you sometimes, not for what but just the talks we use to have and the laughs or stupid arguments.

You are unforgettable! ❤ 1 Of The Greatest Love’s I have ever known. You will always hold a special place in my heart.

I hope you keeping safe with all that’s going on with the coronavirus and your family is doing good and well..

I will and have always Loved You. ❤
N.Carter

Game

It’s such a shame. There is most certainly a tragedy here. I said what I said for peace, not because you are deserving of It. You weren’t. But how long would I let you think you had the upper hand? Even though you did. Even though sadly , I let you have it. The worst part is that never should have happened. You are just not who I thought you were. You are not who you led me to believe you are.

Oh and I lied. I said I am ok with it all now and I sounded fairly good, didn’t I ? It is only because I have no choice. I choose me. I should have chosen me all along. I see what you do. What you are still doing. Seeking an endless supply of attention. How many women can make you feel like you’ve still got it, throw you a bone. How many can you get into bed? How many can you con like you did me? The possibilities are endless , because there isn’t an iota of thought in you for who is on the receiving end and what your shit does to them. Only how you feel, how you benefit , how you get your needs met.

I could never be like you and I am so beyond happy for that. I truly care how I treat others. It’s important to me. For you, they are only casualties of your war. The war inside your head that you deny to others exists. You divulge nothing, making it seem like everything is ok. You imply that if life weren’t so tough on you with responsibility, you’d be great. You make it everyone else’s fault, then fill the emptiness with attention, the women, the lies. Instant gratifications that are fleeting , or faking real substance only to tear into the soul of someone who truly wants to be there. Once you’ve killed and captured the prey, game over.

Yes, there is a tragedy. It was for me anyway. That this is how you are comfortable living and I let you catch me. I thought I would be loved. Instead it’s as if you cut off my head and mounted it on the wall with the rest of the forgotten trophies. It really was game. I was game.

Same Old

Do you ever listen to yourself? This is what I hear. “Nope, not my fault, that’s the way the universe wants it.” “Nope, none of my concern, you brought it upon yourself.” “Nope, I’ve never affected or influenced your life in any way, that just a product of your sick mind.” Basically, deflect all blame, accept no responsibility, and merrily carry on just like the president would.

You know what would help me? Hearing you say “Sorry”. Once. 8 years not once have you ever expressed contrition or remorse for anything. Not your vindictive punishments when you don’t get your way. Not for all the times I’ve been cursed out by you and your family. Not for never ever doing anything to support me. Me, crying at my graduation because you didn’t come, but went to another one instead. Me, crying at my mother’s bedside because you wouldn’t talk to me. You, calling me weak minded and refusing to be a part of any solution that doesn’t require me doing all of the work and shouldering all of the responsibility. I don’t have any problem accepting 50% of the blame for the things that have happened and will happen, if you can even accept 1%.

I’m sick of it. Your sanctimoniousness. Your condescension. We may be very different people, raised differently, whole different experiences and situations and people we encountered throughout our lives, little epiphanies and bits of wisdom we picked up along the way. But I’ve always valued that about you and seen how it could complement me with you as my partner. You don’t recognize any of my value. Its painfully obvious the way you absorb absolutely nothing at all that I say and turn around and criticize pretty much everything about me and expect me to change. And its literally been that way since day one. You don’t see me as anywhere close to an equal, and that really hurts me a lot. You don’t get to tell me otherwise. I am not going to ignore the negativity you’ve injected into my life because its easier for you to only focus on the good.

That’s it, rants over. You can go back to pretending that I don’t exist.

Pop

I miss you. I miss having someone to talk to, even if only one night a week. I miss looking forward to that night throughout the week. I miss the way I felt when I was with you. Being with you made me feel special, but not like in a ‘hey everybody, look at me’ kind of way. More like an everybody fades away and its only us kind of way. Those brief moments felt timeless to me.

But that was a long time ago. You don’t make me feel special anymore. You make me feel like a loser. You’re unavailable emotionally. I feel entirely unheard anytime I try to say anything to you at all. There’s never a time, a good time or a bad time, when I feel like I can go to you. I don’t think you even like me anymore, you don’t ever act like you do.

I don’t see any kind of clear path forward for us. All this time I’ve tried to become more mature, more patient, more understanding, less angry. I thought maybe I could reach some enlightened level of growing up where you would finally respect and value me. But things are more or less the same. And Im getting tired of expending time and energy on this when you could change everything by pushing a few buttons. Of everyone who orbits around your life, I think you actually treat me the very worst, with the most disrespect, or maybe even contempt. Whatever, I’m more used to being alone at this point, I don’t really need you to exist, and you clearly don’t need me to live your best life.