Miller Time

You’ve been coming into my job for some time now. Watched me hit on your female partner, and fail on account of her being straight. You and another partner stick around for hours on end, talking about nothing really. Seemingly unimportant nonsense about our nightshift jobs. We can stand there and laugh for hours some days, and others you’re right back out the door.
I’m not quite sure when I started taking you in more. The green flecks in your honey brown eyes. The way you seem to stick to me as I move about my various tasks. The smile when you see me that first visit of the night. The glimmer in your eye when I get that mischievous grin about a sly comment one of us has made. The curiosity and intent you have when you listen to me babble about absolutely nothing….and I listen to you with the same wholehearted curiosity… But since when…
I haven’t found myself attracted to a man since my ex walked out on me, while I was so sick I couldn’t walk myself. That was 3 years ago…
I’ve presented as lesbian ever since, because I’ve dated women since jr high, yet….here you are… Making me question things.
I close my eyes and I see you staring back at me, smiling. My mind likes to imagine what it would be like for you to run your hand over my skin. It’s torture. It’s all so confusing, and exciting, and stressful. I want to give you my number, but how do I even begin to make that happen. My anxiety has me convinced you, nor anyone, could ever like me. Truly. Honestly.
I’m terrified of rejection. That could have something to do with it. It being the reason I haven’t given you my number, or even asked how you feel about me. I’ve been trying to work up the guts to ask you tonight, because it’s Monday night, I know you’ll be at work….but I doubt I’ll be able to. I’m such a coward

I guess this is me letting go

T,
I guess this is me letting go. My mom told me you got engaged today to your HS girlfriend. I think a part of me had some hope that into our thirties and after your first marriage didn’t work out, you would somehow reach out to me and rekindle our romance. I was wrong, and the dream I had a few years ago will never happen. It’s stupid of me to continue this hope of anything picking back up.

I am officially letting you go, and I wish you all the happiness in the world. May you have a long and, healthy, prosperous life and marriage. I wish you and your future bride all the best.

Love,
Your Amore, Your Love, A

August 21

Jens birthday is in Castlerock in the evening, and my neighbor Jade does a dress swap with me so that I’ll have something to wear. I give her a cute little purple and black plaid killstar dress that resembles something Wednesday would wear and in return she gives me a lovely little peasant dress dotted in sunflowers, perfectly enough it resembles my maid of honor outfit for the birthday girls Halloween wedding and it looks nice on.
When we arrive at Jens house a few other guys that I recognize have arrived before us. Greetings are made, wine is poured and her fiance is starting the burgers.
Jen tells a tale of being haunted by a poltergeist lately, and of objects moving without external force. I take that as my queue to bring Nate into the conversation. Jens friend Nate once worked at Domino’s, a wife, child and was murdered one night on the job. The killer then used his uniform to disguise themselves as an employee of domino’s to gain access to, shoot and kill a parole officer. Nate body was abandoned in a meadow. At the end of Jens retelling of Nates life being abruptly thieved too soon, I give a toast to honor the memory of the friends unable to be here with us.

After some lightly charred burgers, David pulls a magnificent little cake out of the fridge designed to appear as a gold dragon resting on flaming curls of frosting. The bakery did a masterful job on the strawberry champagne flavor of the recount. Afterwards we end the night around the patio fire surrounded by fairylight , recounting various concert and friend adventures that we’ve had together and various plans for future courses for fun. Jen threatens me with the amount of bustle I’m going to be having to help her button up on her 3k wedding gown.
I leave my friend with two board games I picked up the night before from 2nd and Charles, The call to Adventure and Key to the Kingdom. One box depicts a woman holding her sword to face the horizon of a fantastical landscape and in a like manner the other box illustrates a man carrying his sword to face the horizon. They like having game nights and it seemed appropriate. It was a pleasant night.

Vaarin means Wrong in Finnish

I thought Brittania was an exemplary depiction of the savageries that set in motion great cycles of change that would eventually lead to attempted safety networks like child services, or any other organization built for the sole purpose of protecting ,providing security, and even light hearted distractions to children of trauma.

Also the actors are all quite excellent in the history of such dark matters.

Who am I?

I’ve been working in the operating room. It’s safe to say it’s not my calling but I tried. Who am I really? What gifts do I have that can lead me to that lifelong career that’s fit for me? I look around and so many people my age have it figured out. Money I know is everything. But what’s truly rewarding is helping people out. That much I know. I looked up sonographer and I’ve done some research. How do I know for sure though?