Author: Anonymous

Trilogy

I haven’t posted anything here in years. A post about a movie trilogy reminded me of you. Time has proven that I was and am the dysfunctional one. An unfortunate combination of character traits, bad decisions, and genetic serious mental illness means I never would have kept you happy in the long run. We both know you deserve better. I’ll be watching the newest film and thinking of you, but also continuing to keep my distance because you deserve a better life than I could have provided. A better partner too, who you found, and I’m happy for you in a bittersweet way.

Cycle braker

Like everyone else I’m not proud of alot of things I’ve done and have my fair share of flaws, faults, sins and demons

But I am proud of one thing, I am cycle braker not just in the sense of I got away but in the fact that a child I repeat a child who experienced and put up with deragration, prejection, “physical disapline” and reminders of how much of a pice of shit I was in the eyes of my father and we are talking from 6 years old from what I remember. Still checks himself as a 35 yearold grown man. To Not be a product of his environment that he experienced first hand. Actually stops to think of the emotional and psychological healthy way to deal with the everyday problems that everyone faces.

When I was younger did I speak to my own mother , sister and ex girlfriends in a similar way I will admit yes but I regret all of that and I now check myself before I speak….or ever will speak to them again. In that matter.

Like I said before everyone has their demons and their deepest darkest fears Mine is obviously clear. This is why I honestly thank God that I’m just an alcoholic degenerate. Who just needs to check him self in the ways of speech because I can be a hell of alot worse.

Oh that pice of shit is now a 66 year old lonely old man who Wonders why his own family his own blood doesn’t want to have anything to do with him. Fuck him he got his karma and I’m leaving him to the big man upstairs.

I am a Cycle Braker in all aspects the word and that is my healing and my therapy and as I said before I am proud of who I am.

Dreaming of yoj

Hey old man
I dreamt of you last night – it was so vivid, so real. I could see your beautiful smile, I don’t think I ever told you how much of a beautiful smile you have.
I met your girls, they were a bit hesitant at the start. I apologised, told them I was sorry I didn’t handle the situation better. I didn’t know how to handle things as a parent at the time & that I’m better now.
The little one hugged me & I burst with love & joy.
I wonder if you still think of us and hope that one day we’ll finally get our happy ever after?
I do. Everyday.

I took your advice and went to the dentist

You told me that I looked like shit and that I needed to fix my teeth. You wouldn’t let me hang out in the basement with you because you thought I looked so bad with my teeth the way they were. You called me “chiclet-head” and you threatened to punch me in the teeth. You told me to go to the dentist and if I didn’t then I couldn’t come play at your house any more. You told me to stop airing out my filthy mouth because the sight of my rotting teeth made you want to retch. You called me “fuck face” and screamed “go to the God damn dentist” at me in public and embarrassed me in front of my minister. You asked me if I could eat corn through a picket fence. You asked me if I flossed with a beach towel.

Well guess what? I went to the dentist and he told me I had severe periodontal disease. He told me I had the worst case of periodontal disease he had ever seen in his life. He also said my tooth decay was outrageous. He told me he was going to try a new technique on me. He said I was a lost cause. He pulled all of my teeth out and then he nailed all the hairs on my pubic mound and he kicked my ass up and down the street while his staff cheered and clapped.

My illusion and delusion

An agony and a death akin to the one I have ever felt. My soul ripped and torn at the thought of losing you to someone else. Slipped, slipped and fell I did into the depths of oblivion. Slipped, slipped and fell did I into the pits of darkness. The agony and pain trudging me on to dig myself into a deeper darker hole of hell itself. Lost myself did I in my pain and agony. Tug, tug, tugged at my soul till I could bear it no more. There was no one to whom I could turn to, no one who could understand for none have felt as I have and if they had I had not met any. Fell from grace did I. Lost my wings to darkness I did. I cannot bear the pain that I have caused you for I know that was not me nor would I in good conscious from the depth of my soul have done that to you. I awoke from the depths of darkness by the mercy of something else and saw the carnage I had done, horrified at what I have done and become, I shrank like a piece of paper consumed by fire. Burned, burned to ember was I and turned to ash I flowed away with the wind as it scattered the parts of my soul into darkness. This was not me. Why, why did I do that. Can I call that love. That is not love. That was something else. This was not who I was. For the longest part of my life I was naive to believe I was good to the core of my soul but little did I know that something dark lurked in me waiting for the right time and situation to break out and take hold of me. But never did I forsee that all this would have been because of love. I did not know of my own darkness for I had never been faced with one. Hurt I did, hurt I did the one I love and I live with that burden every day of my life. I cannot get back my wings and my judgement awaits me for my sins. On the day of my death I will face my judgement with pain, agony and misery and accept it for I am at fault. I should have died to save you anymore pain of my existence just as mine own enemies wanted and planned. For death is surely a friend of mine now. For I had the fortune of meeting him and he came to me like a thief in the night driven by mine own enemies. Death stood before me ready to take me for sins not of my own but those of mine own enemies. For who knows what drives an enemy if not by their own insanities. Their force and energy culminated into a creature of it’s own, all working in unison for my destruction. Raged their souls did like sulphur and fire, laughing like a pack of hyenas, hungry like a pack of lions and ready to rip my soul to shreds. Life ebbed away from me, my lips shut off from prayer and prayer scurried away scared by the darkness before me. Alone I was in my turmoil for none could understand what was happening to me except for myself. My life was being taken from me by others. Their wills, their words, their feelings, their force, their energies and their thoughts. I should have let myself die. I should have let go and let the wills of mine own enemies take over. I should have let go. Maybe you will have had the peace you needed from the realisation of my death for had I not then become like mine own enemies unto you. My love, my life, the one I most treasured. Still my soul would have been haunted by the state of my unrest and bitterness. For the bitterness of my soul would have raged threatening to burn out hell itself. Yes now I had come to understand that then, insane, insane I had become like mine own enemies and understood did I at the easy corruptions of the soul in it’s many forms and ways. Their reasons insane but I understood their darkness. I have lost faith in my own goodness, for never in my life had I thought myself capable of such darkness that which I had always frowned upon myself. I have lost faith in the goodness that exists in this world. My vision is taken from me and all I see are grey clouds and monsters dressed as angels. I have been trying ever since to fight my way back to the light and back to my redemption all these years, even though I know my wings are lost to me forever and understand that consequence. I have been fighting to find my way back home to you all these years. My dreams of you are like an oasis in this desert soul of mine giving me visions of my own fears and hopes. But lately you come to me in my dreams full of so much care and love. I have no hope but something wills me to hope and have faith even though there is none. For does not hope and faith will us to live by some small grace of something bigger than us. For now I live, I live for the hope of you. It has always been my wish to make it up to you even with the sacrifice of my very own life for love of you. Whether or not this will happen Life requires that I move for life does not care about anyone but for it’s own purpose. Life is not hindered by pain or regret but only time, time that which quantifies that what life is to us. Life is a friend to none and a lover of none. Still I believe that you belong with me and I with you. Fear threatens to pull me back always. The what ifs and what nots. I realise that there may not be forgiveness for me from you but only love, hope and faith wish it. I don’t deserve to be in your life even though I wished to be in it. If I were to exist in a state of none existence it would have been a worthy price to pay for your peace of mind and in spirit. Still I love you, still. Whether for the good or detriment of my soul, I love you. That pain and agony unfortunately is my truth and both my illusion and my delusion.
#womanwalksalone

My illusion and delusion

Waiting, yearning for you to make a move but silence, silence is my only true friend. He greets me and embraces me more than a lover because you don’t want to make a move. This is the place where you belong, beside me, as I belong beside you. Maybe you don’t want to ruin our friendship but it never was, was it. We have always loved each other always, me more than you. I have let the lantern burn inside me hoping you would make a move towards me. But no, you’ve been all around spreading your spirit thin to a point were I only saw a shadow of you. Burned, burned it did inside me until it drove me crazy. Burned , burned it did until it almost destroyed me and destroyed you. I don’t want to go back there. I have never felt so much desperation and agony at the thought of you belonging to someone else. Maybe someway, somehow we developed a soul tie, I don’t know. The tug at it almost killed me and no one knew how to help me. Crazy that’s how I felt. The thought of losing our connection, overtaken by something that I could not understand. An agony and a death akin to the one I