Yesteryear

I’ve made so much progress.. you saw me last year. Heard me cry on the phone, saw the depressed statuses everyday, read the endlessly-long love letters I’ve only ever written to you. You know how much improvement there’s been.. simply because now I can talk to you without sobbing. I can see you without it all rushing back to me…but there’s not been that much of an improvement.

As I write this now, there are tears streaming down my face and I don’t care enough to act happy to anyone, even to my boyfriend. He knows I think about you far more than I ever should. He must see that I will never move on enough. Will never think upon my wedding day without a subconscious flicker of the image we planned for ourselves… of the children we planned to raise.. of the life we planned to have.. together. You were everything to me, more so than anyone can ever be again.

I’ve just seen pictures of you with her. That’s what got this all started once again. I know she’ll never compare to me. I was your first, and you were mine. First kiss, first love, first everything. No one will ever know you in the way that I do.. before you changed. Before you became tainted by the world, the alcohol, and the ”friends,” who’ve done so much damage that I’ve wished them all dead, once upon a time. She doesn’t even know what she’s missing. She’s too dumb to recognize that there’s not even a soul in you anymore. You’ve cheated on all of us, I’m just the only one who you’ve ever told the truth to.. you knew that only I deserved the truth. That I expected the truth, even with the devastating consequences it has left in its wake.

Why? Despite every scar you’ve left on me. Despite the billions of tears I have cried for you. Despite the pain I have inflicted on myself when you would never sacrifice for me like I did for you… why do I still love you? Better yet, why, if there is anything good left in this world, why do I still want you so very much? That’s the million dollar question. I’ve spent years trying to figure it out…and know he will spend years cursing you for it.

Am I a masochist, or is this what true love really is?

so lost

i lay down on my bed, staring at a computer until the early morning. Secretly, i wish it were you. I’m attracted to an asshole that understands me better than anyone else. Not one birthday spent together, not one new year, no gifts. & i’m tired of being the only one trying. Everything is hurting me right now, and either way it’ll all end up the same. I want to go to an island, disappear, and emerge a new, happier person. I don’t know what to think sometimes, my heart gets the best of me. i am a very sad person.

hurt

Really? I can’t believe that was all there was. We had such a connection or so I thought. After the weekend I spent with you I really thought things were going in the right direction and then you come to visit and WOW I’m still not sure what happened. You left town and that was it. I’m trying to deal with what you say are issues you had to deal with your “demons”, but really not another from you..
Really????

Twisted Love Choices

Well..im so dang confused rite now..im involved with a man that ive been with for almost four years..very sweet but just doesnt have the qualities im lookn for..i bet ur sayin then why have i been with him for so long..its because its most def a one in a million guy..he is very honest, supportive, loyal and very cute and man is he great in bed but he can be a little to sensitive at times..i tend to like hard core guys for some reason..the negatives are that he is six years older than me and already have two kids, no education, and no car.. rite now im caught in between a rock and a hard spot..i still got love for my ex..i was with him for almost 5 years and we still talk til today as friends which makes it 11 years..he has no kids, and good job, tall, sexy, but not that good in bed..he recently was released from prison for drug charges but he got out and got a job with the quickness..i still love him for some..maybe its his thugness and is that were my heart have been all along..he still wants me and have been waiting on me even though he knows i have a man and he have friend girls from time to time..my man wants me to marry him but for some reason my heart doesnt want me to..should i follow my mind that is saying yes go head what are u waiting on or my heart that is saying no dont do it..it will be the biggest mistake of your life..i just wish i could turn back the hands of time..i wouldnt change much about my choices but the have made better career choices and stayed on my ex way harder than i was..maybe we would of still been together bc he wouldnt of went to prison..sigh..im just so confused rite now..

i want it soooo bad…

its been almost 8 freakn month since i had sex..im doing this because i have finally decided to change my life around..my man have been sticking it out with me at least i hope so but he keeps having wet dreams so thats a good sign..im doing this till i make my mind up about marrying him..sigh..im bout to just hop on him now and go to town on that rod..man do it be good and i sure do miss it..big juicy fat long hard one..i love the taste of it to..i know ur saying what da but these are my thoughts..i would rather put them on paper than to be actually fornicating..my life is good because i have my father in heaven over it..but he made some rules that we all need to follow and im trying my best to do so..right now im shacking which is a big no no..hopefully me and him work things out becuase its either i marry him or he got to get da heck up out of here..cant keep living in sin.

Confusion is an enemy all it’s own

I really don’t know how to go about this…

It’s not that I don’t love you, because god knows just about how much
I truely do.

It’s really about what a human being goes through in life, I think probably everyone has it happen at least once. My heart, no matter how much I want to it, to contain it, to rule it’s every beat and desire, will not fully listen to me and my head. I want, honestly, to love and want only you. That’s right, just you. But no matter how I go about it, I still secretly, and shamefully, want someone else. I have to be frank here though, it’s really not about sexual needs or things pertaining to that. Honestly, I have wanted this person for years. Before I met you. How do I tell you that?

I think about leaving you because it’s not fair to you and your heart for me to be safe and selfish. I want to be able to have that chance with him. To be able to prove to myself that through all those years of hopeless yearning and fantasizing, that I was completely insane for believing that I would be enough for him. I know I’m not. He is far too young to be ready to settle, which is what I want from now on. I have had too many flings and misshaps hoping it would turn into more. I hope that I would turn into more when him and I see each other. But in all reality I know it won’t end up that way. I might get the touches that I have wanted from his hands, and I might get those looks of want from him, hell, I might even get that incredible kiss that I have been aching for for so long. And if I’m lucky, more where that came from…I know it will not happen though. That’s the thing…

Even though I know I’m not enough for him, even though I know it would be a short little romance, I want to try for the sake of being wrong. The problem is that I have so much to lose. If I didn’t have a child with you, if we didn’t have such a long history, if I had no attachments with you whatsoever, this would be so much easier. I could just say hey, we need some time apart, I could explore my dumb ass fantasy, and if by sone chance you happened to still be single or were willing to give it another shot, we could try again.

It’s hard to explain…I want to be with you because even though you sometimes upset me, anger me, down right make me want to kill you, I know I still love the hell out of you. We have fun together when we decide to try, we have conversations, and most if all we have a child that we both adore.

But I feel like something isn’t right if I so badly want to have something else with someone else, regardless of what’s going on between you and I.
It must mean that I am not happy, or that something is missing for me?

I don’t know really, except I know what I want…
It’s so complicated…
I wish I could get him and I over with and see that I was such anwasfe
kf my heart to, in all honesty, fall for him…
I’m a stupid girl, I know that.
But I am human, and I want to say that I am so sorry for what I may do to us here I the future…
I may change my mind but I won’t know that till the time comes.
I love you though…that’s what’s so hard about this all.

And I can never say this to you eiher. So I hope whatever happens is what ends up being the best for the both of us, and that we can do whatever needs to be done for our child.

I’m so sorry, in advance, if I do anything that is worth an apology.

Unrequited

I still can’t forget the day you broke my trust. My scream was not just out of anger toward your possible infidelity, but from the fact that I had finally trusted another human being and had been let down in the exact same way. Sure, you say it doesn’t count because you didn’t actually do anything — but you did, dear. If you hadn’t sent those pictures or flirted with those women, she would have never been after you. It counts.

I often think about how things would be different had I chosen your friend over you, or had I gotten back together with my ex. Guess  it’s a little late for that, seeing as how we still have 9 months left on our lease. Still, it’s a common fantasy. Things aren’t the way I want them to be, and I don’t know that they ever will be.

I love you, I do. But I can’t trust you after what happened, and I’m not sure you’ll support me, or even if I’m safe with you.

I’m sorry.

Life Isn’t Fair

I THOUGHT I WAS READY TO GET REJECTED. I’ve LOVED YOU FOR SOOO LONG. YOU’VE BEEN GONE FOR SO LONG YET I’m STILL HERE STUCK ON YOU STUPID.. THAT NIGHT. I ASKED YOU TO MEET ME AT THE PARK.. YOU DROVE PAST ME… I THOUGHT YOU WERE DONE WITH ME COMPLETELY I THOUGHT YOU JUST DIDN’T CARE AND I WAS RELIEVED!!! BUT AS SOON AS I WAS ABOUT TO LEAVE, YOU KALLED ME… I GUESS I WAS IN THE WRONG PARKING LOT. SO YOU KAME TO ME… WE TALKED. WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE TOLD ME YOU DIDN’T MISS ME. WHY COULDN’T YOU SAY THAT I WASN’T IMPORTANT TO YOU? WHY COULDN’T YOU JUST KEEP DRIVING AWAY? WHY COULDN’T YOU JUST DITCH ME. I WAS READY FOR IT. I WAS READY FOR REJECTION.  I WASN’T READY FOR WHAT YOU TOLD ME. I WASN’T READY FOR YOU TO TELL ME YOU LOVED ME I WASN’T READY FOR YOU TO TELL ME YOU MISSED ME AND I WAS DEFINATELY NOT READY FOR YOU TO TELL ME TO NEVER STAY AWAY FOR THAT LONG. I’m CONFUSED.  I KNOW I LOVE YOU. SO WHAT SHOULD I TELL MY BOYFRIEND?
LMEC