Author: Anonymous

I thought that the words would come to me when I decided to write this. I thought I would become a poet of sorts, sobbing over words that truly told how I feel. The truth is, I am not sure how to feel. You were my best friend, or so I thought. Now I know the proper term was grooming. Do you know how long it took me to understand that? Do you know how long it takes a child to come to terms with that broken trust? I hoped I would have some powerful statement that would make you think back and realize how truly evil what you did was. I am lost. I try to pretend to be strong. That I am a survivor of CSA. Truthfully I do feel like a victim. I spent the years you were in prison separating the child you abused from the person I was becoming. Now I am a grown woman, with an identity crisis who cant come to terms with the fact that little girl IS me. Why did you do it? Did you not think about me? Did you think that I would just get over it? I trusted you. I trusted you. I trusted you. I TRUSTED YOU. I want to scream it. Sometimes I think that it would be more bearable if it was a stranger that did it. Sometimes I think it would be better if I wouldve just not told what you were doing. SA is weird. They say to let the abuser face justice, however the victim is the one who continues to pay. I cant go where you chose to work. I cant go where you chose to live. I cant get past what you chose to do. There is a reoccurring theme there, huh? YOU get to choose, and I get to pay. Maybe someday I will have stronger words. I will write a letter like this that is empowering, shows strength.

But for now,

Tomorrow is the silent auction fundraiser Arise! Being hosted at one of my favorite crafty nooks and tattoo parlors nearby ( I met the husband and wife duo and each a respective owner of the different shops and a circus themed birthday party some years ago) .

I messaged the shop owner after receiving their call for artists to donate their works to the auction benefitting The Colorado Doula Project. I sent her a picture of a few of my paintings to choose from and she picked my not quite finished Jurogumo . My husband wasn’t too keen on her pick, he was wanted to keep the spider lady around a little longer.
Ultimately I felt this was a fitting means to part with her , though I’d recieve no monetary gain for her sale she will be among other peers exceptional works for display before a significantly sized audience. If she recieves any bids,her sale will benefit womens & wellness.

So I took a few days to polish her up before delivering her to the location. The people that tecieved her were very kind and thankful and I was able to pick up my personal favorite Fiddlers Green Magazine while I was in the area.

I’ll be able to catch the tail end of the auction tomorrow, as my husband will have the car for work. I talked a few lady friends into going with me and I’m excited to see what other contributions will be on display.

It really sucks knowing that all you want from me is friendship & sex… I get the friendship I could’ve settled at that eventually but now I just feel used..

I cant be your friend, it’ll never happen this way.. I care about you in a whole different way than I do my friends. I think you know this too..
I know you want me to be your friend because you think I’m always going to be in your corner.. and I would be, but that means sacrificing so much of myself for you, and I already have wasted so much time waiting for you to hopefully see that I’m good enough? But obviously at the end of the day it’s not me that you want & likely never will.. you just want someone who will love you unconditionally and be in your corner..

I honestly don’t know how to do this anymore, I can’t keep keeping my feelings in and being hurt by being your friend.. eventually we’ll be “friends” and you’ll meet someone and I’ll still be the friend watching it happen and hurting.. that’s how it goes.. I need to have you completely removed from my life so I can move on and hopefully meet someone that I won’t compare to you everyday ..

You have so much of me, it’s insane.. you have my love, my dads love, my kids love and even my moms love.. I’m never going to get that in someone else, I struggle with dating because I look at their lips & wonder if their kiss will ever compare to yours or if they would hold me with the same intensity that you did before.. I wonder how am I even supposed to move on when all of these feelings are all so very much at the surface, even 3 years later.. I don’t know but I think its time to try.

I never expected a relationship from you right away either… I liked taking it slow, just as long as we were on the same page and showing consistency and the end game was being together.. I don’t know why relationships are so scary to you, but maybe it’s the same reason dating is for me now .. I never expected your undivided attention, or 24/7 conversations, being together everyday even.. I like my space, I just expected similar effort to meet, plan dates, message or call every other day to say hey I didn’t run away…

Who knows… I just know that I’ll never be able to be your friend, not right now and not for a long time at least

All those damning secrets buried in your garden….

Does it ever get lonely, watching the wildflowers wilt one by one?

Or do you revel in the secrecy?

Tongue tied, I am deciding to leave the enclosed stone wall

For a babbling brook, or ducks who arrive in Winter,

Or even a silver frosted forest.

I’d rather be shivering these days then keep warm

And pretend to know what flowers you like most.

That’s how much the Arise event raises for The Colorado Doula Project.

One of my lady friends showed up with her friend at 9 am to get on the list for a tattoo once the event opened up at noon, even arriving early there was still a line around the building. They got her down for a deposit but unfortunately the artist tapped out right before her and the events close at 7:30 that evening.
I was able to show up around 5:30 while there was still a pretty good show of people. Their gardening houses were opened up as a bar and dj setup with a vegan food truck set up behind that. I see a few familiar faces when I arrive, attending to business and business is booming.

Another one of our friends joins us closer to 6 .Our little posse hangs out in the book nook for a bit perusing the broad selection. The ladies drop a pretty penny on books while we wait for two of them to get called up for tattoo time.
We spend some time taking in a beautiful evening out front for a bit, my own painted contributed painting directly behind us as we chit chat, before they get called up for the bad news but they handle it gracefully. One girl has them forward her deposit on to donation.
After spending all day at the event, and there being only a few minutes left until closing time, we reckon its a good time to head out for the night but make plans for future crafty nights and housewarming parties at our different homes in the future.

I try so hard to believe the words I write

But sometimes I admittingly fall short

And I am left deciding between knocking on Death’s doorstop

And reciting the mantra “change can be beautiful”

A few thousand, life altering, times.

Tonight I am a queen throwing a tantrum party with glossy eyes

And misty, tangible fears.

Tomorrow I will put on my favorite dress and lipshade

And sing a hopeful prayer.

Death storms in, flabberghasted that my thickness, my

Soft spoken voice, and my poor decisions has not thwarted me off course.

In truth I feel alienated even though I am causing the issue to

To forgo an earthly landing.

I feel sick to my stomach. The fire has been wiped out of my

Chest, and most days I sit in rooms where everything should feel beautiful

And all I can see is the damage.

Death keeps playing cryptograms with Kindness and

Behind their togetherness, an exhausted me

Is trying to decode the next step.

Most days I feel like ashes and embers.

Somehow though, the fire still roars

Even miniscule as it is.

Somehow, I keep going.

Please read!! Sarah L**d is the best fiancé that you will ever have. You’ll never find another like her. The way Sarah treats you with such care and compassion is second to none. You’re very lucky to have her. I hope you don’t go having sex with other women behind her back, because I highly doubt that she’d cheat on you. Don’t take Sarah for granted. You never know when she’ll not be here on this earth anymore. None of us live forever. I know you are all too easily influenced by some of your male friends, but genuine friends wouldn’t manipulate you into sleeping with other women, and drinking tons of alcohol, and anything else that’s demoralising. They’re not your “friends”. They’re just people who live in the same building as you, who get a kick out of manipulating you. They want you and Sarah to split up. Pleas don’t get yourself into behaviours you’ll regret for the rest of your life. You need safeguarding from them so-called “friends”. Especially J and C. You don’t see the manipulation coming, but I start to sense it. Also, Rosemary is beginning to manipulate you, and Theresa. They’re not friends. They’re cunning con-artists and trouble causers. You know who your REAL friends are.