Anxious Thoughts

I feel so utterly alone. It’s not that I “need” someone to pick up the slack or take care of me; I have proven to be independent. If not the need, why the want? Why do I desire and crave a person that made me so unhappy? Was I the problem? Should I have settled? He is a wonderful man and he will make a great husband for someone else. I know there was a reason I left, but I’m having so much trouble remembering why. When I do remember our fights I put so much blame on myself. The anxious thoughts keep spiraling … “It’s your fault that he lied.” “It’s your fault he was anxious.” “It’s your fault that your marriage fell apart, you were the one that left after all.” Because I carry so much regret for the yelling, hitting, running away, and fighting, I can’t help but feel it was me who ruined everything. That he was a broken man who needed to be loved and instead I broke him even more. The look on his face when I left replays over and over in my head and it shatters me. I want to hold him and tell him everything will be okay. I want to return to him and try to compensate him for everything I have done. I know I left, and because I did, it wasn’t all good. But was that because it wasn’t good? Or because I had a distorted perception of the relationship? Was my leaving a juvenile mistake that I should have rectified? Was my unhappiness rooted so deeply in myself that I projected it onto a man who was only trying to love me? Right now I don’t even crave the love I deserve; good love. I crave him. I don’t know if these feelings and depression are classified as “rock bottom,” but it sure as hell feels like it. How can I be okay? How can I live with the guilt? The regret? I don’t know why I feel addicted to him. Is it love? A sign I should go back? A trauma bond? Or just guilt? I believe so hard in “gut” feelings and intuition. I don’t feel those “gut” feelings anymore. I am so depressed that everything is a blur. I’ve sought the help of podcasts, self-help books, daily affirmations, prayer, journaling, therapy, and so much more. I am desperately clinging to the phrase “Things can be hard and heavy, and still be right.” However, nothing feels “right” anymore. My life feels so wrong; out of place. How can I find happiness? How can I be okay? I just want the feeling like I’m drowning to stop. I want to emerge from these depressive waters I am in. I want to see the silver lining. I want hope. Please, let me have hope.

One thought on “Anxious Thoughts”

  1. Oh my god. 2020 me resonated so much with what you feel. You’re correct. That’s trauma bond. I didn’t understand it up until I real “The Places I’ve Cried in Public” by Holly Bourne. I hope that in time, would realize that whatever you feel right now was just you not yet used to the freeing feeling of being out of all that toxicity. Hoping for healing and peace for you.

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