Month: March 2023

How do I make you respect yourself?

Darling, respectfully, your life is a fucking disaster. At least the last 7-8 years you have literally made every terrible decision you could. And yeah, not jumping at the chance to date me is one of them, but really that pales in comparison to the ways you damage yourself on a daily basis. You love to think that you’re a shameless Fiona but really I know you are secretly ashamed and you probably should be. YOU JUST LOST YOUR DOG FOR THE SAME REASON YOU LOST YOUR CHILD YEARS AGO. On that J***** shit. And you want her back but you will NEVER get her til you get your shit together. You literally had two pets, you let your asshole gay boy abandon the first til I saved her, and you lost the other one a couple weeks ago. How do you lose a pet that’s supposed to stay in its cage all day???? You are irresponsible, immature, unstable, maybe the least reliable person I have ever met. You can’t even admit any of this shit to me after me knowing enough at least for months. But you’d rather push me away time and again than actually grow up and start acting like an adult. Thats why all the people you hang out with are POS’s….it’s no mystery babe, you are too. And it makes you comfortable to spend all your time with people as shitty as you rather than to be with me where you will be constantly reminded what a fuck up you are. You said you wanted the meanest N**** alive….count your blessings I have grown and I care about you too much to actually show you this side of me. Like you said “ask my ex”. Someone I trust told me I’d probably have to wait until you’re 30 until you’re mature enough to be the kind of partner I need you to be. Honestly, I don’t think you’re gonna still be alive then if you keep going down this road. Regardless, hun, I’m gonna be long gone before then. I’ve got things to do. I’m here rn paying for my sins, and I’ve paid dearly. But while you’re watching MY HBO with the guy who can’t even fuck you without prostate stimulation much less rock your world like I do every time, I’m out here making moves, building connections, saving your ass from behind the scenes, and generally just grinding. I don’t belong here. While you were busy getting knocked up by your AB husband and getting addicted to hard drugs I was busy giving up my entire life to start a new one in a place where I can take my considerable talents and compete against literally the best in the world. It wasn’t my choice to leave, I didn’t have a choice. While I’m here I will always love you and protect you. Have I ever not shown up for you? If you can get your shit together soon, I WILL take you back there with me and you will have a life you could never have even dreamed of. I’ll get your kid back too. I can literally do whatever the fuck I want if you haven’t noticed. You’ve got to actually change. Forget respecting me, I know that’s not gonna happen for awhile, you need to start respecting yourself. So you stop making all the self-destructive choices that are whittling you down day by day. Idk how to get you there, but I am trying to figure it out love.

Until next time.

This world’s an ugly place, but you’re so beautiful to me

Every stolen sacred kiss,
Every opportunity missed,
Every eternal second apart,
The million ways I know your heart…
The myriad pillowless pillowtalks
The sweetest passion, more fierce than a hawk…
The prayers
The dares
Peel the onion, revealing the countless layers.
That is to say in a way as unsubtle as a whore:
I am yours.
I am yours.

Spring Break

The drive to my hometown is nice but long. We take stop in historic Georgetown to peruse antiques and craft chocolates, and make multiple supply stops on account of there being such limited variety once we get to town.

Day 1 I attend a service for a cousin in the LDS church in Vernal before they are sent to Missionary work on an island in South Africa. He’s a kid but he actually speaks pretty well to the point of ministering his word and faith through kindly actions to neighbors.
The young lady that spoke after him was not so to the point or understandable in regards to her trip to west Virginia. Neither knew how to close up shop when it was time.

We meet some of my moms husband’s family at his sister’s house afterwards for lunch. There are big paintings of Jesus and religious sites on the wall, but it is a nicely furnished space. I haven’t seen his sister’s since my babyshower years ago.
We are welcomed to a bounty of food left over from the previous nights party for Sage, and it isn’t long before the house fills up withextended family and their friends. There’s a conversation about Sage’s Trump shoes.
For me there is a moment of cringe when as one of the tie clad young men is departing, he is saying his goodbyes to the lady of the house and states that he’d much rather be there than working with a bunch of Mexicans. The lady, responding with that’s right!
My kid eats a bunch of pizza and has a dance party in the hallway, resulting in her throwing up in the hallway on the pristine carpet. The auntie is kind about it, highlighting how she knows how kids are and has experienced it as a mom more than once herself.
I thank them all for their hospitality.

Later I pick up my grandma and we all drive out to my brothers farm where we get to check out his new baby chick’s, before visiting with the ducks,chickens,peacocks,and horses out back. It’s very relaxing. My brother and his partner suggest me helping with a mural they want to set up in their kitchen later on. I immediately start obsessing over it. He’s gotta cover material cost but I think it’ll be a fun project, and my largest yet if this talk develops further. I’m thinking old west town and carriage type deal with their horses. I overhear some concerning stuff

I end the evening dropping my grandma off at her apartment where we scratch some lottery tickets and I leave with plans for lunch and shopping the next day.
It really hasn’t been quiet at all, and despite my misgivings at some of the things I’m hearing.

For Once

For once

For once I want to experience what it’s like to be the girl who’s important

Important in another person’s life romantically

The girl they’re actually scared to lose

The girl who’s opinion matters, the one who they actually listen when I speak

I want to be the girl who someone pays attention to every little detail because to them I matter

For once I want someone to care, to care if they hurt my feelings

To care to know how my day is going

For once I’d like to be the girl who is a priority and not an afterthought

For once I want to experience what it’s like for someone to be so intrigued by every little thing about me

For once I’d love to experience romance and not just be a pretty accessory

I wonder what it feels like to be seen?

For once I want to know I bring excitement to another person

For once I want to feel like I’m not the underdog in every situation

For once I want to experience genuine love.

For once.

Darkness and an uncertain sunrise

I have to face the facts
That you don’t want to know me anymore.
Truth be told, I feel like I haven’t wanted
To know me either for most of my life.
There is courage in walking away
That I admire about you
And there is bravery in me trying to love
Someone who feels so unlovable.
Perhaps getting to know me is more important
Than your forgetting.
I have run away from myself for so long.
It’s time I greet myself as a friend.
Softer, lighter and casually with good intentions
And then..