Spring Break

The drive to my hometown is nice but long. We take stop in historic Georgetown to peruse antiques and craft chocolates, and make multiple supply stops on account of there being such limited variety once we get to town.

Day 1 I attend a service for a cousin in the LDS church in Vernal before they are sent to Missionary work on an island in South Africa. He’s a kid but he actually speaks pretty well to the point of ministering his word and faith through kindly actions to neighbors.
The young lady that spoke after him was not so to the point or understandable in regards to her trip to west Virginia. Neither knew how to close up shop when it was time.

We meet some of my moms husband’s family at his sister’s house afterwards for lunch. There are big paintings of Jesus and religious sites on the wall, but it is a nicely furnished space. I haven’t seen his sister’s since my babyshower years ago.
We are welcomed to a bounty of food left over from the previous nights party for Sage, and it isn’t long before the house fills up withextended family and their friends. There’s a conversation about Sage’s Trump shoes.
For me there is a moment of cringe when as one of the tie clad young men is departing, he is saying his goodbyes to the lady of the house and states that he’d much rather be there than working with a bunch of Mexicans. The lady, responding with that’s right!
My kid eats a bunch of pizza and has a dance party in the hallway, resulting in her throwing up in the hallway on the pristine carpet. The auntie is kind about it, highlighting how she knows how kids are and has experienced it as a mom more than once herself.
I thank them all for their hospitality.

Later I pick up my grandma and we all drive out to my brothers farm where we get to check out his new baby chick’s, before visiting with the ducks,chickens,peacocks,and horses out back. It’s very relaxing. My brother and his partner suggest me helping with a mural they want to set up in their kitchen later on. I immediately start obsessing over it. He’s gotta cover material cost but I think it’ll be a fun project, and my largest yet if this talk develops further. I’m thinking old west town and carriage type deal with their horses. I overhear some concerning stuff

I end the evening dropping my grandma off at her apartment where we scratch some lottery tickets and I leave with plans for lunch and shopping the next day.
It really hasn’t been quiet at all, and despite my misgivings at some of the things I’m hearing.

For Once

For once

For once I want to experience what it’s like to be the girl who’s important

Important in another person’s life romantically

The girl they’re actually scared to lose

The girl who’s opinion matters, the one who they actually listen when I speak

I want to be the girl who someone pays attention to every little detail because to them I matter

For once I want someone to care, to care if they hurt my feelings

To care to know how my day is going

For once I’d like to be the girl who is a priority and not an afterthought

For once I want to experience what it’s like for someone to be so intrigued by every little thing about me

For once I’d love to experience romance and not just be a pretty accessory

I wonder what it feels like to be seen?

For once I want to know I bring excitement to another person

For once I want to feel like I’m not the underdog in every situation

For once I want to experience genuine love.

For once.

Darkness and an uncertain sunrise

I have to face the facts
That you don’t want to know me anymore.
Truth be told, I feel like I haven’t wanted
To know me either for most of my life.
There is courage in walking away
That I admire about you
And there is bravery in me trying to love
Someone who feels so unlovable.
Perhaps getting to know me is more important
Than your forgetting.
I have run away from myself for so long.
It’s time I greet myself as a friend.
Softer, lighter and casually with good intentions
And then..

Next door

The place where the guy offed himself, the lady that moved in swears its haunted. Though as she’s expressed to me could be explained off as psychotic depression from ongoing stressor in her own day to day, ranging in severity from auto accidents to general insomnia, a job that deals in frequent mortality. Teacups show up in places she never placed them. Noises cause her disquiet.
She’s had me sit at her place for a good half day to help her meet with an inspection guy for her landlord. For the most part it was quiet, her cat napped on me. There was some thumping upstairs, but I didn’t investigate, I posited it off as potentually sounds of my own cats from the other side somewhere.

I’ve seen the guy that lived in that space before both of those families for more than a decade a good a handful of times since we attended his daughter’s funeral , but the impressions haven’t been great.
Last time he met my husband at a metal show with his friend, my husband offered them a ride home and the friend puked all over the back seat from drinking too much.
The time before that he was doing some holiday stop by, drove to our place drunk and was way too affectionate to my comfort. Making requests for me to come give him kisses and being grabby. My husband noticed too and was also put off by the interaction but we discourse on an appropriate response, which was to maybe keep him away from our place but be of amicable disposition. We’ve tried to talk to him about his habits before but it seems to only make him want to double down on them, to the extreme risk of his health and legal life and the greater potential for his actions to ripple out with fatal consequences. I think he mentioned being in therapy but as of now I’m keeping a bit of a distance for personal concerns.

My other neighbor is also convinced the place is haunted but she won’t say what explicitly convinced her. She’s been in that weird in between space of planning for a new baby and having to say goodbye to a beloved dog, Aesop has been such a well loved community buddy and its sad for us all.

I’ll be heading off in a few days to spend spring break with my mom in our hometown. The kid is looking forward to it and I get to pay my family dues by chauffering grandma around for a week. Maybe get my next round of projects set up and enjoy being somewhere a little quieter just for a bit.

Cheers to you

People ask me all the time if I have forgiven you and my answer has always been vague. Yes and no. Yes, I forgave you in a sense that I don’t let you have that effect on me anymore. Whenever I see you post, I feel nothing. I don’t feel angry for your happiness but I don’t feel happy either. I forgive you just so I could have my peace of mind.
But on the other hand, I didn’t forgive you. The cheating, lying, emotional abuse, and sexual assault you did was not forgivable. I was not some toy you could use all you want and replace for a shinier one. I was a person with feelings. I was a person who loved you so deep I forgot to love myself. I was the person you promised you would never hurt because you said I was as precious as a ruby.
So there’s that. Maybe in another lifetime where I did not feel like ending my life because of the pain and damage you have caused me, I will forgive you fully. But not in this lifetime.
In this lifetime, I will continue to wish the pain and damage you have caused me would haunt you at night. I hope it would haunt you in a way you’d question yourself why you did that to us, to me. In this lifetime, you would never have my forgiveness because you never deserved it.
In this lifetime, you would be the person I loved too much even if you did not deserve it and you would be the person I loathe too much because you deserve it.

Unstable Conditions or The Promise of ‘Bob’ Fulfilled


I may look weird but I can kick your ass at Jeopardy and even if I can’t outsmart you, best believe I can out dumb you.

For 25 years you were my best friend and you had my love in all circumstances, you literally could do no wrong. A hero and inspiration.

Ever notice how I never get lost on my own or when it’s somewhere I want to go? Not going out there to be homeless with me? Neither am I and who the fuck said you were invited any way? I’ll never stay with you again? Well no fucking shit Genius. I’m divorced, ma is dead and there is nothing that could drag me back across the Mississippi and you made it even simpler. I never did anything to improve my life? Fuck outta here. 3 different times, I had it made, world by the balls. The common denominator in the failure equation? Yep. fucking with people from Hills. You. You fucked up OR, my marriage, and AZ. “OOOHHHHHI’m Mr Responsible. I don’t drive after I open my 1st beer so I can’t give you a ride home.” then proceed to rag my car out drunk driving dope fiends all around hells half acre while I sat around cuz I don’t deserve to do 5 flat, fucking pussy cut your wrist to the bone after 5 days in city jail.Your not an ‘Anarchist’ you’re a dick that breaks meaningless laws. Circle A tattoos and OFFER to wear a wire before there’s even any charges filed. Snitch motherfucker. Trying desperately to be accepted my the most fucked up people in any county. All baby rapers, wanna be cops, prison guards, inbred, stuck in 1983, weirdos. Well, you did glom onto the Gen X Jim Morrison, another dead junkie that slapped some words together and other brain dead junkies thought “with the lights out it’s less dangerous, here we are now enter anus,a mosquito, my libido, a denial, a denial’ was just profound. Hey, maybe if wear some faggot goggles and a different Nirvana shirt, the hillbillies and pedos will accept you as a Cobetto’s regular. You made it. You are one of them. And your brothers thought you should have ditched me years ago? The same pussies that fuck up way worse, couldn’t make it 24 hours in my life before crying, literal tears, “Mommy get me out of here. The streets are scary.” Do they remember the time we pulled out of IGA and I was sick of it all? At the tracks, I looked left, opened the door, said “My ride’s here” grabbed my pack, jumped out and y’all didn’t hear from me for 2 years? It was 4 days in 18″ of snow and a windchill -25 before I found a dumpster with edible food. Didn’t cry to mommy about my decision. Haven’t improved my life. What buying a trash heap and using band-aids to hold it together, committed to dying in Hills., waking up mad as hell you are alive again today? Having a full hissy over dropping a socket? Actually curious to see what adventure tomorrow holds? That kind of improvement?
You know how you all sit around bitching and crying about how bad roofing sucks, the blown knees, bad back, and you’re about to do it again because y’all lack the imagination to conceive, or the brass balls to do anything else?
How you call me dumb for not knowing how to roof? Jackass, you simpletons think I can’t put a roof on? I don’t advertise because roofing sucks, tears you down, and I see you guys. I can always ride the Luck Plane right past y’all. Same with plumbing, cars, and cement work. I’m dumb, not stupid. Send me to find a left handed screwdriver or a board stretcher? I’m looking for 4 to 5 hours on the comedian’s dime. Fuck outta here.
I figured you’d turn into a complete Bobbie. Preach the gospel like you’re in on the joke when you are , in fact, the joke. Then you ARE a biker. Scumbag, lying, thieving, back stabbing piece of shit. Gotta wait til I go make arrangements to get out then you gotta lie, say you sold the cabin and put my shit in storage. Fucked me out of my tattoo, car, the little I had of my mom’s, 17 years worth of pictures, then won’t take my calls. Coward. I hope the winter was cold, that wood was expensive and hard to come by, that you were out of people to keep your electric on. That is how you chose to go out. As a shit-fuck White. You made me feel this way. I was going to catch you slipping one day and get you on the phone, or better step out from around a corner and tell you this to your face but you stole every idea I had and passed it off as yours including the one where I die first.
You not only, don’t have to hear it, don’t have to answer for it, you died high, you fucking junkie.

That’s what hurts. My hate list was down to 1 and only because I enjoy hating shit-fuck harper now, I hate and there will never be closure.