For Paul C

The only reason I’ve put my actual real name on here, is so that you know it’s me. You don’t actually know how important it is to me, to get this message to you. If I could reach you by phone, I would. I suppose I could have written you a letter, but you might not even live at that same place anymore. I promise myself, you, and J, that I was going to always be here for you both. I only said what I did, in that last text message, because of grieving. I hope you can both forgive me. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind, so I just instantly made up some excuse to get rid of anyone who wanted so much as a decent conversation with me. Don’t worry. Other people have had this same bizarre behaviour from me. At least you weren’t the only one, so please don’t take what I said, personally. I can see why you would, but I think you know deep down that I would never want to upset you, or to break your heart. Maybe these words mean nothing to you. I’m not actually with him who I mentioned. Grief can be a nightmare to deal with. Hopefully, you’ll understand. If not, well I’ve tried to apologize, and I want to meet up with you in person, again. We have so much in common. I still love you to the moon and back. I still want to marry you, etc. I’ve never really stopped wanting to. Me and you made a lovely pairing. It would be devastating to never give it one more try. I don’t give up easily. Especially not on someone I’m engaged to. I also miss talking to H on the phone. She’s always been so friendly to me, but I don’t have her phone number anymore, as I’ve got a new phone. I had no choice but to buy a new mobile phone, recently, because of some incident that I can’t mention on here. I will tell you about it, if I hopefully ever get the chance to see you again. Sorry if this letter sounds long-winded. I just needed to get this to you. Not sure if you’ll ever find this. If I haven’t made you feel too angry, lets meet up for a coffee or something. I miss your hugs. You must be fed up of me by now. I don’t want you to feel angry at me, or resentful. I respect you too much to want you to hate me. I guess time will tell. Try not to hold a grudge against me. I dread my future without you in it. And stop holding your damn stomach in, dude. 😄 You’re allowed to breathe. You look athletic ENOUGH. I worry about you. ❤️

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