Day: March 6, 2023

Dear Jamie,

Hi Whore! I have been wanting to confront you since the day I found out. I think you are the worst human being. I wish you nothing but misery and destruction in your life. I find you to be a deplorable human being. How do you live with yourself? How do you look your children in the eyes and advise them on anything moral? You are the worst type of human being. I wish you would just go away and never come back. You have hurt me more than words can explain. I know you were one of two individuals responsible for this pain. I have forgiven him because I love him. I don’t have any feelings but HATE for you. You should be ashamed of yourself. Why would you do this? Why would you risk everything? There is a special place in hell for people like you. You are disgusting. I used to wonder what you had that I did not have. You have absolutely nothing. You are a giant zero. I also realized I do not want anything you have. You are the type of person that would cheat on their husband and break their vows. I would NEVER EVER EVER do anything like that. I am a good human being. You are not. I am kind. You are not. I am smart. You are not. I am pretty inside and out. You are not. You are just a disgusting human being. You should be ashamed of yourself. You should also not be parenting girls. I would hate for them to grow up to be whores like you. I guess I will not be surprised when they turn out to be two gigantic whores. Their mother is a whore so the apple probably won’t fall far from the tree.

I used to think about you all the time. What did he say to you? What did you do with him? I don’t think of you very often anymore. I can go days and sometimes even weeks without thinking of your pitiful existence. I was recently triggered by seeing your number on his phone. The white trash bitch group texted. I bet she did that on purpose. She is nothing but a liar and a cheat just like you bitch. Two lying and cheating bitchy cunts. I hate that I am still triggered like that. I hate that you did this. I hate that my marriage will never be the same. I hate that I don’t trust my husband fully. I hate that you still work with him. I wish you would just go away. My mind would settle if that was the case, but alas that is not the case. I want you to suffer. I think about emailing or calling your husband all the time. He should know what you did. It is not fair to him. He does not deserve to be lied to and made a foul of. I hope that you came clean to him. I am guessing you didn’t because you are a giant LIAR, CHEATER, and WHORE.

Wishing you nothing but misery,

The Wife

The only reason I’ve put my actual real name on here, is so that you know it’s me. You don’t actually know how important it is to me, to get this message to you. If I could reach you by phone, I would. I suppose I could have written you a letter, but you might not even live at that same place anymore. I promise myself, you, and J, that I was going to always be here for you both. I only said what I did, in that last text message, because of grieving. I hope you can both forgive me. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind, so I just instantly made up some excuse to get rid of anyone who wanted so much as a decent conversation with me. Don’t worry. Other people have had this same bizarre behaviour from me. At least you weren’t the only one, so please don’t take what I said, personally. I can see why you would, but I think you know deep down that I would never want to upset you, or to break your heart. Maybe these words mean nothing to you. I’m not actually with him who I mentioned. Grief can be a nightmare to deal with. Hopefully, you’ll understand. If not, well I’ve tried to apologize, and I want to meet up with you in person, again. We have so much in common. I still love you to the moon and back. I still want to marry you, etc. I’ve never really stopped wanting to. Me and you made a lovely pairing. It would be devastating to never give it one more try. I don’t give up easily. Especially not on someone I’m engaged to. I also miss talking to H on the phone. She’s always been so friendly to me, but I don’t have her phone number anymore, as I’ve got a new phone. I had no choice but to buy a new mobile phone, recently, because of some incident that I can’t mention on here. I will tell you about it, if I hopefully ever get the chance to see you again. Sorry if this letter sounds long-winded. I just needed to get this to you. Not sure if you’ll ever find this. If I haven’t made you feel too angry, lets meet up for a coffee or something. I miss your hugs. You must be fed up of me by now. I don’t want you to feel angry at me, or resentful. I respect you too much to want you to hate me. I guess time will tell. Try not to hold a grudge against me. I dread my future without you in it. And stop holding your damn stomach in, dude. 😄 You’re allowed to breathe. You look athletic ENOUGH. I worry about you. ❤️

Pretty green eyes.

Never seen eyes that shine and sparkle as much as yours did. They were like stunning pale emeralds. The colour of the sea. Just stunning. I know this might make me sound shallow, but I’ll be damned. I’ll never find anyone with those kinds of amazing eyes again. Oh and do you remember when we did that dance together in thr back yard? And remember when you broke that table? I wonder.

That was the year I met you. When I first moved into the same building as you. My ex had passed away from cancer, in July of the previous year. So no wonder I wasn’t looking forward to 2018. I didn’t want to leave 2017 behind, as that was the final year I seen him. Life felt very blank without him, once he’d died. I felt like I couldn’t even think straight. I was like a robot. I didn’t expect to fall for another guy ever again, but I met YOU, in february 2018. And……………….

Alcoholism is a heartbreaker. I was so selfish to want to feel companionship again. So foolish to think this would play out any other way.

Missing you is like
Missing a language no one knew but us
And try to speak it
In a classroom or a world where
It can’t be taught anymore.

I emailed this to you before I remembered that you take forever and a day to respond.

I didn’t see your comment until just a few days ago… You want me to show you that I still care. Shall I mudwrestle your wife? I may be short, but I’m scrappy… I’d send you flowers, but the necessary subterfuge would defeat the purpose. So instead of that, you get raw prose. Which is what you really wanted anyway.

And, by the way, I knew you were a redhead.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art far more rigid and elusive. No summer’s day, you. Thou art a still winter’s night in a frozen and forgotten forest, with shimmering white banks, each a trove of hidden depths.

Sorry about banishing you before… suffice it to say that I have a soft spot for neediness. He is ever one to exploit my weaknesses. I suppose I have a type.

I envy you, asleep in your bed right now. By the time I manage to get sleep, you’ll be waking up for the day.  Reminds me of a Glassjaw song.

Anyway.

I miss you.

B

I saw one of my favorite people on Monday to get a selection of one of his pre drawn designs tattooed on my leg. It’s a detail oriented Barn Swallow with some golden framework that I thought would fit in nicely with the rest of the nature pieces.

I’m able to show him the first two tattoos I performed myself and while the little gem pattern on my middle finger will certainly need a little working over, that was expected on my end. The one I did on my husband definitely healed better and my artists has a few kind words and suggestions for me as we move along. I watch what I can as he gets to work on my right leg trying to absorb the timing of the strokes, pressure.

Conversationally we shuffle through various topics and catch up that I’ve been excited to hear about. I arrive at the shop around 3 in the afternoon but don’t exit again until the sun has set and its well passed 8 in the evening with a gorgeous new forever painting taking up a good half of the leg landscaping.
The days following I’m pretty foggy mentally and more than a little tender. Now here we are on Friday and the pains subsided but I’m now really , super itchy and lotion only does so much to put out the fire.

He spoke of another world.
It was on the edges of his pursed lips and
Sunk in between the dips of a wave pool
In the center of her glazed eyes.
He spoke of the other planet as her original home and his too.
The origin story was filled with
Bravery and inter-galactic warfare and triumph.
This made her earthly landing
On earth’s soil make perfect sense.
Her father smiled.