No real purpose for posting here. Just venting. An ex sexually assaulted me years ago. Turned BDSM play into rape. And really it damaged me and my life. I loved him. And in the aftermath I was so confused and wounded, and really mentally damaged by it. Convinced it caused a mental breakdown then. I’ve never really gotten over it. And he has a good time, good life, good career. And for me, it just completely obliterated me. My life. Goals. Identity. Aspirations. Career. Relationships. All damaged. An in therapy. I figure in hindsight it was a mistake not to take him to court or hold him publicly accountable. People think the metoo movement is over, like all the goals have been kicked. They haven’t. Even that is smoke and mirrors. There are people with powerful positions and careers, and people aware of their actions that say nothing. That show them support. He has support. I’m just ranting. But feel like I had to. We were through a process of supposed reparations. Really he just used thag window to retraumatize me and gather his assurances that he could protect himself if and when. I exposed him or took him to court, something I would have never wanted to do. Now I’m not so sure. Kind of want to name him now. But then that’s all my life would become. Me taking on the guy with the profile and more tha. Likely being publicly vilified for all my reactions to the sexual assaults. It’s gross. Just sharing. Sharing because it’s better to share here than just start screaming it into the world like my body seems to want to. I don’t want anyone to have control over dictating my future, but it seems for now, no matter what I do, it’s always a consideration. Even In Intimacy with others he’s like a ghost lurking in the room, like nosferatu or something. I guess I’m just saying I know, from experience the metoo movement hardly scratched the surface on the amount of men with profiles who do what they like. I really hate him. I never knew what it was to hate someone before. Rambling. Is what it is. I just wanna overcome it. Horrible to know this is the risk we, women take when we enter relationships, amongst many risks, I could never have foreseen extreme experiences of sexual assault as being a risk I was taking. It’s fun to be playful in sex, with boundaries and limits, it’s terrifying when someone takes all those boundaries and limits away until the point where words like no and stop mean nothing. Can’t explain it better than this. No one unless they experienced anything like this could ever understand. Oh well. I won’t be posting about this again. I just needed to vent it somewhere.

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