Trying to change something I can’t change

If I could change anything about myself it would be

My mental illness.

If I didn’t have it

I’d probably still want children.

I’d still believe in marriage.

I wouldn’t have said my first two I love you’s while sick.

I’d have higher self esteem.

I wouldn’t do strange things.

I wouldn’t have wanted to die so much after recovering.

I would live more recklessly.

I would feel absolutely free.

Maybe I wouldn’t have been fired.

Maybe you would have loved me.

Maybe I would have gotten my graduate school degree.

Maybe I would have better self esteem.

If only, if only.

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