If I could change anything about myself it would be
My mental illness.
If I didn’t have it
I’d probably still want children.
I’d still believe in marriage.
I wouldn’t have said my first two I love you’s while sick.
I’d have higher self esteem.
I wouldn’t do strange things.
I wouldn’t have wanted to die so much after recovering.
I would live more recklessly.
I would feel absolutely free.
Maybe I wouldn’t have been fired.
Maybe you would have loved me.
Maybe I would have gotten my graduate school degree.
Maybe I would have better self esteem.
If only, if only.