Regret

I don’t expect anything to come from this – I would like that to be known from the start. I just have to get this off my heart and hope it is received well. I have run from, pushed away, and ultimately denied myself the kind of unconditional and unrelenting love you never hesitated to give me. I never believed I deserved it, and I really didn’t back then. I didn’t appreciate what was right in front of me, I didn’t see that what we have is something so rare, so special, and so unwavering. I was blinded by my own pain, my own self-doubt and false beliefs about myself. I didn’t realize that everything I ever wanted was in one person right in front of me. Instead, I kept searching for what I thought I needed in others instead of looking at myself and realizing what was missing was something only I could give myself – and ironically, what you were giving me all along – unconditional love that most people only dream of experiencing. You are the most incredible person I have ever known. The one with the heart so strong you’d say it was made of gold but that you’d also say is so tender with pure love and genuine care. I am so sorry that I didn’t appreciate that as much as I should have, as much as I truly do now as I grow and mature. You have always deserved better; more than I could give you. What does a girl who doesn’t believe she is worthy do when she meets and is loved by someone so absolutely good-hearted and deserving? Well, naturally, she runs. She runs until she can’t run anymore, until she’s tired of running from herself and the things that have haunted her.

I know I am probably too little too late, and you’re thinking you’ve heard it all before only to be completely let down by me. And I absolutely have let you down in every way I could. But you are my missing piece. I have learned an incredible amount about life, love, and myself the past few years to know that I am tired of mediocre, of settling. I want a life of deep love, a life of adventure, a life of joy, and I know that no matter what we’ve been through or what we might go through, you are the one I want all of that with, the one I HAD all of that with.

I know this seems sudden, but it has been on my heart for longer than you even know. I know you have moved on and this is probably so selfish of me, but I can’t go on without it being said and knowing I gave it one last shot to really be, if it’s meant to.

I’m not naive to the fact we have to meet each other again, learn who we are now as people since so much time has passed and events have changed us. If I have that honor of relearning, I will never take that for granted. I know I will only love you more for who you continue to become.

That is all for now..

Forever loving you…

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