I thought that the words would come to me when I decided to write this. I thought I would become a poet of sorts, sobbing over words that truly told how I feel. The truth is, I am not sure how to feel. You were my best friend, or so I thought. Now I know the proper term was grooming. Do you know how long it took me to understand that? Do you know how long it takes a child to come to terms with that broken trust? I hoped I would have some powerful statement that would make you think back and realize how truly evil what you did was. I am lost. I try to pretend to be strong. That I am a survivor of CSA. Truthfully I do feel like a victim. I spent the years you were in prison separating the child you abused from the person I was becoming. Now I am a grown woman, with an identity crisis who cant come to terms with the fact that little girl IS me. Why did you do it? Did you not think about me? Did you think that I would just get over it? I trusted you. I trusted you. I trusted you. I TRUSTED YOU. I want to scream it. Sometimes I think that it would be more bearable if it was a stranger that did it. Sometimes I think it would be better if I wouldve just not told what you were doing. SA is weird. They say to let the abuser face justice, however the victim is the one who continues to pay. I cant go where you chose to work. I cant go where you chose to live. I cant get past what you chose to do. There is a reoccurring theme there, huh? YOU get to choose, and I get to pay. Maybe someday I will have stronger words. I will write a letter like this that is empowering, shows strength.
But for now,