Day: September 9, 2022

Leaving you in the past

Next month it will be ten years since I walked into that store you worked at. That moment is seared in my mind, you in light wash jeans, and your hair black as your t-shirt. There was no denying the sexual chemistry between us. You came out that night to meet with our mutual friend. We kissed that night outside the bar and the following night I was lying naked in your apartment. You were only the second guy I had slept with. We went on to date for 3 months before you sent me a text ending it all. But not really because we kept sleeping together for at least another month.

There wasn’t anything special about our time together. You weren’t some great love that I can’t get over. We barley had a title to our relationship. We mostly hung at your apartment and slept together. But now you keep popping back up and I can’t seem to hold you in my past. You married a woman I have a mutual friend of and your wife’s sister works in my new office.

Sometimes I wonder if your wife knows everything I do or if she just knows the new you. The you that apparently found god. The you that’s married with a baby. Does she know that during a 5 year relationship you had a 3 year affair? Does she know you used to slept with a heroin addict? Does she know how many women you laid with before you got in her bed? Because I know all these things. I know how you lost your virginity. I know your mom had you dad go to jail for not paying child support. I know you were there when your brother cheated on this wife.

Maybe it’s just because now there are daily reminders that I keep thinking of you and our time together. I remember going to your stepdads retirement party and you fucking me on your kitchen table afterwards. I remember our last night in your apartment before you broke up with me, it was almost Christmas and we exchanged gifts.

Maybe it’s the shame from that time I can’t let go of. I didn’t tell anyone we were together. You were 7 yrs older and going no where in life.

But now we live in the same suburb. I’m married to a different man, a better man, a better lover. Someone that knows every hope, dream and fear my body holds. Someone I’ve built a life with. Someone I met 3 months after you.

I hope in writing this out you leave my mind. I hope if I ever run into you I can pass you without a second thought. Because I truly want to be done. You ended it then and I wasn’t ready. But now I’m choosing to let go of the things I wish I didn’t put up with… you.

Deep hurt

Can the universe give me a break or a bouquet of flowers for Christ’s sake?

Or tell me their sorry, and actually mean it?

Why am I always left bleeding, profusely apologizing for

Bringing love notes to their murder mystery party?

When will I get the invite for a brave New, Extraterrestrial world?

Reminder 1

Come help me learn this new dawn.

The colors are striking, and purpose is forming.

Three little words are unveiling.

The slogan is “keep soft even when the rest of the world is difficult to love.”

I am proud kindness grazes my lips.

I remember someone use to call it a weakness but they became a hard husk of who they were.

Life will keep beating you down.

Keep soft. Looks at sunrises when it’s too hard.

Look at how astounding the sky reaches on bleak days

Singing “I am limitless and so are you!”

MY EXPLORERS

I think it’s already been a week since I started talking with my friends again. I guess it’s not as bad as I thought. We even planned on making a film about friendship last week. And that’s when I realized that all of us has a burden of our own. I may not know what kind of burden my friends have, but I sincerely hope and pray that my friends will all live a happy and carefree life. I know that just like me, they also once felt left out in the group. They may not see my love for them, but I hope they can feel how much I care for each of them. I hope that they can find their way out of the darkness during tough times. And I wish that there is at least one person by their side when they feel like the world is turning against them. In this time of our youth, where future is always uncertain, I hope that whenever I remember this moment, I can always look back with a smile on my face.
–Zn

My cousin Tracy

She passed away a few days ago. My mom called to deliver the news .On Facebook the pictures on my cousins page radiated beautiful smiling faces and our dearly departed elderly, the news mom delivered to me over the years regarding her had been sad to put it lightly.She struggled with addiction and alcoholism, but was a mother of a few beautiful children. My mom when last she had brought my cousin up , had said the kids had been taken away by court order and from what was describedto me, there was child endangerment involved. Sometimes I wondered why mom told me, maybe she wanted me to reach out? Or maybe she was just relieved I chose to step away from my own extreme vices.

There was a considerable age gap between me and the rest of my cousins by about ten years give or take a few, and the distance that rests in between all of us could make it challenging for keeping updated on the dailies in each others lives.

The last messages I sent to Tracy were awhile ago, I had told her that I ran into a friend of hers getting a ride to the airport, and funnily enough my husband’s friend and coworker.

I think maybe I’ll always feel like I should have gotten in touch more. Our family is just so big, it’s mostly holidays, events, and the biannual family reunions that I get the change to reconnect.
I think I would have rather liked hearing about her finding a better space of being for herself instead, I would have liked that, it would have been better for the kids.
Can’t force a person to make healthier choices for themselves, but when they’re gone the loss feels unreal, a bad joke, and resolutions that never arrived.

The Monsters Inside All of Us

I know I will hear them again tonight;

This parade of filth rummaging through my auditory nerves.

It is the longest battle of my life

Trying to separate the monster making riddles

And having a soundless sleep.

Tell me what do you do when your demons are asking the jamboree

To tell lies in close proximity?

For me, I weep and make art collages and vision boards.

We do dancing on Sundays and whenever they are heard a smidgen more,

We remember smiley boys and where sunrises were born.

Reflection

Dear A,

There are so many things I could say to you. I’ll try to keep it brief. I know you are doing well, and I am honestly happy for you. Correct me if I am wrong, but you weren’t this happy when we met, were you?

You know, I can’t help myself from thinking about you quite often. Even now. I hear our songs everywhere. Idk if I ever thanked you for introducing me to some good music. I’ve had to disassociate your connection with it a little honestly because it is so good! And there was a long time it was just kinda painful.

I think it’s important for me to be clear and honest with you. I am still very angry at you. FWIW. But, believe it or not, I have actually been maturing a lot lately, and I understand now that many things I was angry about were not actually your fault. And I know I lashed out at you alot. I’ve been doing that to people I love my whole life. Im sorry, you didn’t deserve that.

Most of the rage I directed towards you was unconsciously intended to boomerang back to me, if that makes sense, or at least I’m stating to think. (You’re into all that Oprah stuff more than me tho lol). But that doesn’t mean there aren’t some things you did I think we can both agree were wrong. If you could even acknowledge that, or my right to feel that way, it would mean a lot to me. That’s as far as I’ll go, before your family decides they need to “crucify” me again. LOL, but not really.

The troll under the bridge

Wednesday I get a message from my husband.

“Strange thing happened this morning on my way to work. I was still in the neighborhood when a girl walking in the middle of the street flagged me down. She said she was lost, was wondering the neighborhood for hours, looking for Hampden and Estes intersection. I pointed the direction for her, then she asked me for a ride. I told her no because I was late for work and it was opposite direction where I was heading. Then she started begging and offering money. At this point I was sure it was some kind setup and drove off.”

The place the young woman is trying to get him to drive her to is a bridge where a number of ambushes have already occurred. Stranger still I think of a dream I’d had a few weeks back, it was from the point of view of a young women of Hispanic descent watching our house ans thinking about lure. I remember waking up relieved it was a dream and now I’m not sure sure. Whatever the situation, I warn him it’s likely our home is being watched given the absurd hour this occurred

The general concensus from neighbors and family with give the run down to is “trap”. They tell him next time to bring up the cops, at best they’d help a lady in need, at worst you’ve at least given them the trail to a criminal outfit.
I also consider other possibilities of people into kinkier sex lives and still remain glad that the prospect of such a thing did not entice him off course.