Dear Family Friend,
The problem is that I love you. I wish I didn’t and maybe things would have been simpler if I didn’t. I still dream of you and I wish I didn’t anymore. I wish you were wiped out completely from my heart and mind then maybe I would find some semblence of peace in this life. I hate you because I love you and I wish I didn’t hate you. I hate you because I know you wiĺl never love me back. I hate that I have to act like a cold fish, holding my feelings back when all I want is to love you and to show you that I love you. I hate myself for loving you so much. I hate myself for caring about you so much. I hate myself for needing you. I hate that I worry about you and your well being so much. I hate myself for still dreaming about you. I hate myself because you pity me. I hate that I have to be in such pain because of love of you. I hate myself so much for my suffering. I hate myself for not being able to move on. I hate myself for still writing about you. I hate myself for thoughts of you that creep in when I think I am healing. I hate myself because I am weak. I resent myself so much for being in this position. I wish that I didn’t expect anything from you like love, care and tenderness or even your attention but I can’t help but want them from you soo much. I wish you loved me too, so much. I wish I hadn’t entertained thoughts of you at all. The thought of you loving someone else tears me to pieces. It’s like a cord being pulled out of my own being, my very soul. I don’t know why. I can’t explain it. Maybe I am sick, maybe I have some sort of obsession sickness. I mean there must be someone out there who can help explain this. Maybe even a cure exists for such ailments of the heart. I wish there was another man out there strong and powerful enough to pull my feelings from you. Strong and powerful enough to pull you from my conscious and subconscious. Strong and powerful enough to wipe you from my dreams. A man whose love, presence and very being is so strong and powerful enough that his fire consumes even the presence and thoughts of you from existence, burning them to a pile of ash only to fly away and disappear into nothingness. Maybe this person exists or maybe he doesn’t. I wish I had left it as just a crush and I wish I had not told you I loved you only to have to take those words back just so we would be “cool”. But things have never ever been the same since I told you my feelings. Instead I felt treated with disgust, like I am nothing not even deserving of a response. This kind of love is evil, it shouldn’t even exist at all. It’s evil because it is unwanted. It’s evil because it’s not needed. It’s evil because it’s not wished for. It’s evil because it makes things uncomfortable. If I had money I would move to a far away country just to get away from you and the thought of you because then maybe I would know that we would never ever meet and I would be free of the thought of your presence. At least that kind of torment I think I will be spared from. Maybe then I wouldn’t lament the “what ifs” if I am far away from you. Maybe I would be fortunate enough to forget you completely like you never existed and were just a figment of my imagination. I feel like a burden to you and I am sure that you feel that I am a burden to you too because you know of my feelings for you. I am sorry for making you feel like you have to avoid me. I am sorry for making you cringe at the thought and sight of me. I am sorry that I am a burden to you. I am sorry that you have to go through this. I am sorry that I put you in such an awkward position. I am sorry that I am a silly stupid woman. I am sorry for needing your love and affection. I am sorry I am seem so desperate. I am sorry that you have to hide yourself from me. I am sorry that you have to avert your eyes from mine. I really do wish that things were simple. Unfortunately I am not simple. I am a complicated, unpredictable woman whose presence and existence I wish I could remove completely from your life. The distance between us now is not enough for your peace nor mine. I thought this distance would make things easier for me and you, but for me it has proved otherwise. Peace and freedom would be for me to move to another country or to die. For you to be free of the unwanted love of a woman you don’t love or care for in that way. For you to be free of me. For you to be free of this burden. For these are the things you deserve. Peace and freedom from this evil love.
From: Your family friend, your Lovenemy