I hate what an unbearable person you can be. And not unbearable because of how you are but because of how you behave. Your selfishness and narcissism have no limits and I had to pay a very high price for loving you, a reinforcement to the trauma but not a common reinforcement, a reinforcement so strong that not even the original trauma has weight, it is like a new trauma where the person who loves you the most betrays you and justifies it and does not ask for forgiveness. Your actions your shortcomings do not define me however they are hurting the present with someone who is a great guy, and above all they hurt me. I have to let it go because I have already forgotten you, but that weighs on me and bleeds me and I hate it and it’s not fair.

Alone in outerspace

Dear Josh,

No one tells you or prepares you for how irrevocably alone you will feel as a schizophrenic. My sister urges me not to write to you like I did Dana, so I settle for here. You have no idea how maddening I feel, or how much I hate myself for the delusional thoughts I have had. I hate myself beyond anything you could possibly understand. To be delusional for so many years, has me convinced these unearthly thoughts will result in my own self destruction. My sister has discussed how it would be embarrassing to send you a letter. It would be embarrassing but I have experienced lifetimes of embarrassment from my actions. Who cares for one single more? In truth I don’t hate you for dodging this bullet, but I cannot explain the irreversible damage I have contained, nor fathom the loneliness and isolation it feels to tell a boy you love him while sick and to have thoughts that aren’t meant for this earth. I am sorry for my part in your story. I wish I never met you honestly. I wish one day that I will find peace buy frankly normalcy has never been a friend of mine. I wish to write this letter for my own recovery in the hopes that this pain subsides. I hope you forget about me. No one prepares you for this feeling. I hope you never experience it.



You lied

Dear John,

I feel fucked up from this. You fucked me up. You spun me around in circles and went back on everything you said. You said you wanted to be with me but I just had to wait until you got your financial shit in order. You asked me to be patient. You asked me to be compassionate to your situation. But what about me? What did you do for me in this period. Absofuckinglutely nothing. I hated how much you said I was a priority to you because that was a lie.

I hate that you said your ex wasn’t an issue when she was. Even if you didn’t have feelings for her anymore, saying you’re not ready for a relationship, when you initially said you were multiple times, fucking hurts. Canceling our trip fucking hurt. I knew this was going to happen. I knew we should have never booked something so premature in our relationship. And the night after we ended, I didn’t cancel anything hoping that you would realize what an idiot you were being. But you did cancel everything. And then you texted me and asked to let you know when I sent you the money for the things I booked. I hate that you did this to me. I hate that you wasted my time and made me believe that this would work out. I dreamed about our future together. I dreamed about us moving in, I dreamed about us creating a strong partnership together. But I guess that’s why it was all dreams. I want you to be the person you showed me at the beginning. But that person isn’t real. It’s John on his best behavior. It’s the John trying to pretend he’s not a mess and a terrible communicator, Johnn. I miss the beginning and I miss you. I miss us, but I know this won’t work.

IDK why this hurts so much but it does. It really fucking does, and I really miss you, but I can’t let myself reach out to you.

Fuck this,

Up dragon

My mom felt the urge to have my brother at I join her for sunrise service out of town , my kid and husband would have joined too but she had the sneezes.
There are a handful of cars parked off a dirt road where people have gathered singing by a cross to watch the sun come up. I’m not too impressed by the sermon, something along the lines of if you are not dutiful in your attendance to the church you are viewed as dirty in need of cleaning like a dish in the sink. He actually uses an analogy of house servants who play while the house lord is away and then later akins suffering on the whole as something God plans for you to be closer to ‘him’, rather than the chaos that it really is, beyond the control of any one thing.
The food at the church was good though, I was suprised to see my old boss there and everyone was quite friendly and welcoming.

We later visit my brothers farm. He’s lived there for years but is now getting the paperwork done for purchasing it. I get him some of the fungis my husband and I enjoyed the day before, him and his partner then show me the path their likely to take on their walkabout, beyond the chickens and ducks, through the horse pasture and into a Grove of trees growing at a bizarre angle. The space nestles nicely in the shadow of the mess, and is about 20 feet away from river access. I think they have a beautiful time ahead of them.
We head back to my mom’s around 3 to rejoin my grandma and them for dinner. Mom made way too much, She was really eager to make the space welcoming for Zachs partner, and even invited fewer people this year to make sure he showed. They arrive with gifts of fresh duck eggs for us.

I planned a family game if bingo with mom, we normally werent the type to do games at family events but I thought the cornhole tournament at the family reunion was so cool and wanted to do something grandma would enjoy . I picked up a bunch of prizes before hand for the winners and when the game was a bigger hit than I expected, mom had some mystery wrapped gifts we were able to toss in.
I used to love playing bingo with grandma at the Elks. And I was really glad to see her have such a good time playing with our family, mom called numbers and everyone won at least once, except for grandma who was the grand Victor winning a whopping four rounds and getting prime pick on prizes.
We’ve had a hard go cheering her up after great grams passing, so I was super pleased when this was such a success with her and the rest of the fam.

The Main Point

Now you do.

1. If that is truth that really makes me sad.
2. This one I can totally buy. It still makes me laugh though.
3. Do you mean being respectful and not ruining things when time was off?
4. This one is what I like to call USEFUL INFORMATION

Okay now read both again.
Now read #4 again and let that sink in.


I always wanted to try

Going on a magic mushroom journey around my hometown stomping grounds and today got to be that day.

After enjoying a morning of family festivities for the holiday, my husband and I left the kid to do some baking with her grandma’s while we went for a hike out of town.
The hike actually turned out to be a number of stops from the Kokapelli petroglyphs on down to white bird, cow canyon where we saw a large group of deer, and then finally the State Bridge site where we were able to wonder around a bit more. I let my husband have a greater portion so I could guide things if I needed too.

The communion with nature was intense, we hiked up a Ridge overlooking a pasture of grazing cows and took on the mesas for a bit . It was a perfect spring day with all the wild buds peeking out of the baked earth , and nice breeze.
I caught site of some encroaching rainclouds though and thought it might be best for us to get closer to the truck in case of a downpour. What ended up happening though was much more satisfying, once we got to the truck and it hadnt started raining yet we explored a little cave area through a gulch and then settled into a little alcove to watch a show in the clouds. They were smoke like in their darkness and wisp, but they just seemed to hover in place overhead in weaving patterns that shifted like ocean waves. If I stared hard enough it appeared there was a kaleidoscope like grid manifesting itself in grey tones in a private scene if wonder.

As it got later I needed to get us back to town to take my grandma to work but my husband would say it was the perfect reset the mind day , and I gave myself a little pat on the back for guiding a safe and enjoyable experience where we were still able to come back and rejoin my family for food and egg dying activities, sharing the tale of the day with my brother and having some genuinely good laughs with everyone.