All he wanted

You were always my outside the box thinker and I am so grateful for you being that way.

What he wanted most was having a light shine bright on all the events that remained in darkness. Seeing you take on that role brings my heart joy. I hope you know how much you are appreciated. Not just by him. Not just by others…but by me. Year after year I am so proud of you.

This entire thing has broken my heart but giving him what he really wants and deserves knowing you helped do that….makes me cry happy tears.

Thank You
I love you
Sincerely
Britney

Dear Ruth

Dear Ruth,

Oh Ruth you are going through so much right now. You’re dealing with a break up after 5 years, you’re trying to move out of your toxic house and you just damaged your ligament and got the flu. You had a man fall in love with you after a week then fell in love with him then he decided he wasn’t ready for a girlfriend. You jumped straight into that relationship even though everyone warned you. They warned you that you’d get hurt but you’re a bleeding heart and couldn’t resist those eyes. You fell right in.

You’ve been at home in the toxic environment nearly a week and that’s too much time but you can’t go anywhere because you have to rest your leg. You can’t rest here and it’s so frustrating for you. You are in so much pain in your heart and soul and currently in your leg. The nauseas-ness is overwhelming. You feel so sad and so not yourself. Communication is one of your strengths and your second guessing yourself. It feels like your heart is so raw right now, everything hurts. It’s very tiring going around with a big raw heart. You have so much love to give and don’t know how to protect it. You don’t know who to give it to. You don’t know who deserves it. You just don’t know what to do with all this love and feelings.

You tried to help someone and it’s just drained you. He’s not worth it honey. No man is.

You deserve a kind of love that shows up, trusts, is honest, creative, intelligent, funny and loves you with every part of theirs. You shouldn’t settle. You deserve the best. You are an incredible person, you have no idea. You see the potential and beauty in everyone else. You tell them constantly yet you over see you’re own so easily.

You deserve the kind of life you really want. You deserve beauty, adventure and freedom.

You’re potential is endless Ruthie and there’s far more love in your life than you realise. You radiate love and even if people don’t say it, they love you too. You will always, always have people that love you. Forget the people that don’t appreciate you, they don’t deserve you.

Go into that world Ruthie and shine like the beautiful magical person you are!

Goodbye Handsome

Dear Handsome,

This is a letter I never thought I would have to write. This is a situation I never thought that we would be in. After 5 years of a starry crossed long distance relationship it’s over. We were so solid for so long and so madly in love. You looked at me and said that you just didn’t love me anymore and you were sorry. You just shrugged. I said I guess that’s it, there’s nothing more I could say and I left. I walked away.

Things between us had been difficult for a while. I realise that now but I didn’t want to abandon you. I still loved you. We had so many plans, plans of running away and eloping in the woods. We had plans of having our own little house with pugs. We have been planning our move for over four years, well I had planned our move. You didn’t really try because at then end of the day, you never really wanted to. You just let me believe you did. You said you didn’t mind where you were as long as you were with me.

I loved you with an overflowing heart. I honestly thought you were the love of my life. I used to say this to you, the first time I saw you, I saw forever in your eyes. I really did. I thought I had loved before but nothing like this. It took my breath away just looking at you. I thought you were made of magic. I wanted to give you everything and I did. It’s just a shame you didn’t want to give me the same. It was exhausting trying to prove my worth to you.

We were happy for a long time together so I don’t regret anything. It was too long, we went through too much together and there was too much love there to waste time regretting.

I agree, maybe the love did burn out. I just miss the friendship, the incredible friendship we had. I had never felt so seen and so loved on so many levels. A love like that is rare and a once in a life time phenomenon, well that’s what I used to think. It’s unhealthy to hang onto that now if I want to move on.

Yes, handsome we had a great love and we were happy for a long time together. You fell out of love with me and I forgive you. I forgive you for all the cruel things you said to me towards the end. I forgive you for manipulating me and making me feel small. I can’t hold onto that pain any more. You caused me enough pain towards the end and I’ve cried enough over you. You are gone now and yes I do see things sometimes and want to tell you about them. I doesn’t matter because you don’t deserve me love anymore and that’s what I’ve come to realise. The love I have doesn’t belong to you anymore, it’s my own.

I have to forgive you now and move on.

Goodbye handsome.

Dear Mary

Dear Mary,

There are a few things that I need to say to you.

I don’t know how to love you as a mother and I don’t think you know how to love me as a daughter. It’s unfortunate but it’s true. You always wanted me to be you friend but I needed a mother.

When dad died and I was 9, you put a lot of pressure on me. Everyone did. I was the oldest and people shook my hand at the funeral and said that I was to look after you all now. You emotionally blocked us out and then only let the girls and my brother back in. You said they needed you more because they were smaller. I just accepted it and just kept all my pain and loneliness to myself. I just wanted a hug and to be told everything would be ok. I didn’t try with people then because the shock of losing a parent specially so young shocks you and numbs you to your core. Everything inside you feels like it’s been iced over and cracking, there’s a empty coolness where you heart used to be. You are shattered and cracking and freezing all at once. I just needed to feel safe but I felt I wasn’t deserving because others needed love more. I decided to not get attached to people for a long time because I didn’t think I deserved to be loved or be happy. I was just here to be solid and strong for other people’s in pain, mine didn’t really count. This was the realisation I had at 9 years old and I carried it for a long time.

Fast forward over 20 years later, you haven’t been well. You’re stubborn. You won’t listen to what the doctors say. You don’t have any friends and you depend on us for friendship constantly. When you don’t get enough attention, you get passive aggressive and say cruel things, especially to me. You bully me. You say I’m too sensitive and you can’t talk to me. You say I’m moody. I remember when I was kid you said I better cheer up because I’d end up with no friends. You were wrong, I have found friends, lots of friends and even if you can’t see it I’m a good person.

The amount of abuse I’ve taken off you and only recently have I realised what’s been happening. You do it when no ones around and no one ever stands up for me even when you say things in front of them. I just want you to know;

I am not stupid.
I am not too sensitive.
I am not careless.
I’m not weak.

I am fearless .
I am resilient.
I am intelligent.
I am more capable than you ever gave me credit for.

You will never break me, I don’t need your love anymore.

I have my own.

Because I love you

Of all nights, the other 364, I could’ve probably found a way to stay there you. At the moment, that’s all that I wanted. But that morning, yesterday, I had to get up. You don’t need to know the ‘why’ right now. But I want to share with you what I felt.

It’s not the first time I’ve dreamed about you, of course. But this was different. I love you. And I know I lose. With you, I always have and I always will. But last night, in my sleep, after a lot of struggle, I finally won. Winner, loser, titles don’t matter to me. I just want you. I touched your leg, it felt so real. There was a smile on my face from ear to ear, I was so happy. And I still am, because you are the only thing/person I want in life, and for a brief moment, we were together. But I really did have to get up, and when I did I realized it wasn’t real. But also, more importantly, it doesn’t matter, I’m fighting to the end, this is what I believe in, you and I and the way I love you. You won’t know now, and maybe never will, but I’d rather die losing this battle than live to fight again knowing I didn’t give everything to be with my true soulmate. Like I said, I know I lose. And that’s ok. But I have to try.

Final Goodbye Ig

I thought it was getting better, turns out I was just better and thinking it was. I can’t wait to get out of here.. to get out of this town.. to get out of the place where all my regrets still live. I wish I had done things differently, but hey, you can’t change the past. You can only change the present. So, I guess this is goodbye.
<3
Much love, from rain

Thoughts That Transpire At 4am

Sometimes, only on the days when I’m remembering what I shouldn’t, I think of you. I think of those nights we spent together that felt so short but in all actuality were way longer than they should’ve been. I think of the way I felt when you looked into my eyes….yours were ice blue painted over a demonic red. Your touch was so comforting until it wasn’t. Well, even then so, but no one can know that. Your kiss-simply put- made me physically leave my body where our souls literally intertwined. I don’t know where they fell, but at least it was together. How odd that the lips that could do that had just been on another woman hours before? The way you said “I love you” melted me like a candle which made sense because I was burning. Burning up in the lies you told me, but I still chose to burst into a firework. I refused to fizzle out. You held me so tight so no one else could have me, and I couldn’t get away. It’s a weird thought how claustrophobic I actually am. The drugs flooded your already frail body with promises of protection, and I let you stay sick as long as you were with me. I said honestly “I don’t care what you do anymore as long as I have you. I don’t care what you are— I need you.” You took off your mask and revealed a hideous monster, and I smiled with love in my eyes and said “you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” But, not all things broken can be fixed. I chose to continue attempting to use my life savings to find something that would fill the crater sized hole in you, completely ignoring that I, myself, was microscopic and way too small. I continued to get better while you were engulfed in your disease. The hits that once felt like love taps started to burn. Slowly at first, but more so overtime. The feeling of hate started to overpower that of love. I felt it every. Single. Time. You dug your nails into my skin while I bled. You were mine. I was only equivalent to the only gas station in a remote desert with no other options. I never completed my project or found anything that worked, but you will always carry all of those pieces I gave to you of me to try and save you. Sometimes, love isn’t what it should be. You were my everything. Life with you made sense in a sick, distorted way kind of like those kaleidoscopes we looked into as kids. I will always keep these thoughts close. They make me feel closer to you with hundreds of miles between us.