I’m not going to be super defensive. I’m not going to attack you for things you’ve done wrong. I’m sure that, like me, as you’ve gotten older and matured more you’ve come to recognize some of those mistakes and have regrets. I do think that it’s easy for me to paint you in my mind as a terrible person, when in reality, just because my experience with you has been terrible so many times, that doesn’t define you as a person or your interactions with anyone but myself. And I’m trying to remember that more.
What I will say is that if you are unhappy, I’m sorry. I have been unhappy for a long time. I’ve tried as best as I could to explain why, and how we could both work together to make things better. For whatever reason, nothing has gotten better. I’m still mad at you frequently because we never made any tangible progress from shortly after we first met. Since then, really it’s just one endless loop of cycles that all end the same way before repeating again. I’ve tried to break the cycle so many times and chart a new path forward for us, but it clearly hasn’t worked.
For sure, a lot of that is on me too. In the past, when I’ve said things like ‘let’s just forget everything and start over’, well I think I’ve proven there are some things that still hurt me deeply I can’t just ignore or forget. You just have to deal with that, or not, they’re my feelings and I am entitled to them. You, of course, have feelings too, and I know sometimes I have hurt them through my anger or even my awkwardness, and maybe you don’t want to just move past that either. Believe it or not, I care about you too much to ever want to hurt you.
In turn, you seem to really struggle with my needs, like the very fact that I have needs and you should ever be expected to provide them. Again, I have tried my best to communicate those needs, nothing crazy, friendship, affection, support, sex, but to no avail. And you know what, you’re entitled to do whatever you want, so if you don’t want to, or don’t think I deserve anything, that’s fine. But it’s not really fair to expect anything from me either then.
Anyways, hope you’re doing well.