Nothing matters. I have a great day, I live with it myself. I have a shitty day, I live with it myself. Hey surprise! No one contacted me today! Just like yesterday, the day before, the years before that, and don’t call me Nostradamus but tomorrow gonna be the exact fucking same. 2 things are true about every single person I have any kind of relationship with: I make 99% of the effort, and not a single one wants to spend any time with me at all. It doesn’t matter if I’m respectful and supportive, it doesn’t matter if I have a job or a car or if I spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on someone, it doesn’t matter if I’m patient and understanding, loyal and protective, funny smart joyful, try or just give up, literally nothin fucking matters because I mean NOTHING to everyone. How is that even possible?? Like I look around, they all care about themselves, they all care about other people. If I wanna buy them something or give them attention or compliments they gladly receive that. But then, the second I stop giving and I don’t even exist anymore. ‘Oh but just be confident’ lol said every person most directly responsible for why I have none. I just don’t understand what is wrong with me. I am a passionate person with interests all over the board. I could carry on a conversation about literally anything. I know because I do, with my fucking self. In my head, sometimes out loud, but it’s just with me because no one wants to know what I’m thinking. Hey but some days I feel proud of myself. Uh oh time for someone to check me knock me down a few pegs where I belong, where society decided I belong the min I walked into school for the first time. I’m tired of being alone. I never chose this for myself. And I know it will never ever change. Dying alone, yeah I’ll probably get that someday, but it’s the living alone, ina world where you’re not even hated, not even an afterthought, just ignored into oblivion that’s even worse.
Month: February 2022
A part of the whole
*m*
I’m so so sorry. I do forgive you and I have to let go of all this. You would not want me to keep feeling hurt or being miserable over something that probably wasn’t true in the end. It’s wasting my time.
This is the most important message. I hope it’s what I left you with and nothing I said, even a thought I had in trying to cope with my own inner state, undid it somehow.
You don’t deserve to live with regrets. You should have a chance to build a new life like everyone. You can close the door on your past fully. That is the only way forward.
I’m happy and blessed and I want the same for you. Remember that. Go easy on yourself okay? I wish I could have done a better job of it back then and I hope you can forgive me for that.
Convergence Station
My girl Meg invited me and the family out to a luscious night at the recently established Meow Wolf Convergence Station with a few other friends.
The building is a massive permanent art installation walk through story meant to display a clash of interstellar worlds melded together in a variety of winding rooms and portals between themes. If ever you wanted to experience what a mushroom trip was like without ingesting the substance, this was the place.
My child took a little coaxing to initially brave the wilds of alien creatures and bizarre landscapes ranging from forest top overlooks to inner city streets lined with interdimensial shops displaying the most curious of wares and interactive delights but after acclimating to the sensory overload is decidedly eager to go back one day. My husband also enjoyed the exploration as we’d diverge and reconvene with the groups , leaving picture clues as to which wormhole we got swept into as we weaved our way through a very busy night with other tourists. Next time we’ll find tickets in the morning during the middle of the week to have a chance to better examine the space and maybe even participate in the universe saving scavenger hunt.
Impossible
My T, you are impossibly beautiful.
I have so much I want, need to say to you to be able to survive, but the feelings are so overwhelming I barely feel capable of finishing this sentence.
You are a rose. You were created by a being that doesn’t know restraint. You are so impossibly beautiful it squeezes my heart when I see your face.
I’m no artist, but you are my muse. My muse, the world is too cruel for an angel like you.
I can’t stand the thought of not finding you in my next life. Please be there for the rest of my lifetimes.
How the song goes
You have touched my soul
More than anyone who has kissed my lips
Or seen the curvature of my spine.
I rather have you even as a thought
Than their slimey, grimey hands.
Oh how wonderful to be loved from afar!
A revisit of our Secret Garden
I can’t deny my feelings
And so I went there hoping you were alright
Despite the betrayal I felt in my lungs
And the guilt throbbing in my head.
I came to our garden
And pointed out the flowers.
“Look how much they bloomed this year.”
And you laughed with some hesitancy
Because you knew
I wasn’t yours
And I laughed in the insanity of it all
Because I could help but come to our garden,
The only place I have spent years crying inside,
The only place that feels like home.
A love poem inside another love poem
I miss you but sometimes I hope I never see you again
Because if you never loved me,
I don’t want to re-experience the heartbreak.
That is where I am at today.