to clear it up…


…I feel a need to get this energy out there, even though you will never see this. I got carried away and told you something I can’t stand by, but I can’t tell you because it won’t make a difference on what reality is. I’ve locked all the doors behind me and am better off. I want to keep my head clear. Talking to you about anything at this point is not wise.

I forgive you, I want you to be happy, but I – this is hard to say. I would hate saying this to anyone. It’s probably unnecessary to ever say it directly. It’s one of those things you can do without announcing, and things will take care of itself, so no need to hurt feelings.

But this is it. I don’t want to be your friend or anything else in the future.

There are things about you that you will never change. And those things are, to me, disrespectful. There’s a history of disrespect. There were some pretty big things that happened that made me realize… never again.

You showed genuine remorse. I don’t doubt that. It always came way later than it reasonably should have. But since you seemed, and still seem, to disagree that you were wrong on one very important issue. That you were justified back then and free to say or do whatever served you and I should have just understood. There is also this misunderstanding that I could still secretly have feelings I don’t, because you took my feelings for granted, or that I would ever be able to continue to like someone in that way who did that to me. Because of those things, it’s uncomfortable for me.

I realized I would always end up feeling used in some way. That’s the problem. That’s why my interest in anything is gone and has been since before I even realized.

I think you may have had the wrong idea that because I had feelings like any person would in the circumstances which you contributed to, or needed reasonable things from you in that case, you were in a position to “accept or reject” me or compare / juggle me with some other person who you always had to emphasize you cared about more, that something you said regarding my value would have an impact on any of my life choices. That wasn’t true at all. Those things really had the effect of removing feelings I had, permanently.

Since when trying to be nice to me after all that, or showing that however you messed up before is somehow not related to what I know it is, you also often contradicted yourself and were in the same sentence as telling me how great I am, always alluding to what I know was wrong that you did not think was wrong, and are, probably despite yourself, showing more disrespect for me.

The thing that is also uncomfortable, I know you didn’t tell me things, and you never made it right. You can’t be sorry but not tell the whole story. You can’t be sorry and not take things back.

I know a lot of things you don’t realize I know. Like who it was. Things you tried to keep me in the dark about that the universe handed me at the right times, in mysterious ways. For a time I waited for a demonstration of change that never came. Definitely too long, and wasted energy on my part. I gave up long ago. Talking to you has always stressed me out.

Because your mindset about all these things is so not in line with how I do things. I don’t need that. I don’t want even a friend who thinks they are in some position to pick and choose among the people they meet, or decide whether another person or that is interesting, or boring, or attractive, and comment on it, overlooking that I may not even like that, because I know that when someone talks to you like that about others they are talking or thinking about you behind your back in that way too. That they are somehow higher than you.

And with relationships, I don’t think finding someone is about checking boxes or just finding whoever because it’s more about convenience. I don’t like that kind of thing. It doesn’t go along with the way I want to see or treat others.

I don’t like situations of vagueness where someone creates mental confusion. I naturally move away. I like it where there is clarity and trust. Equality and respect.

I don’t have any bad energy towards you. I just want to be separate and leave it in my past. I gave you other, easier reasons to keep you from feeling worse.

I didn’t want to hear from you anymore because I knew by then I would never be able to go backwards with what I know. I would never be able to see you coming around for anything besides a temporary reaction in your life due to some “lack” you were feeling in the moment. As it always was.

If you think you have any feelings for me or ideas that I would be okay with something later, which I admit would be partly my fault, being too nice. But as I said anyway, you need to move on. It does no good to hold on to ideas that are unrealistic.

I’m not the right person for you, not able to be a friend anymore. I know that is right, because enabling you or going against the insight I gained would never be good.