Did you really, really know her? Did you know and understand what her dreams were, and did you know her past?
You know you did. You knew her more than others did. And it breaks my heart that at your hands she had to spend so much time reliving things that she never should have had to go through again. When you should have been there for her.
It did make her stronger. She had no choice but to overcome. But seeing what she went through, I wish that it had never happened.
I’m not trying to make you out to be a bad person, but you had a responsibility in damaging her. So as a friend who loves her, I can’t let you get close to her again. She is a special person and her heart, after all it had been through, should have been protected.
You knew better, too.
She thought that you were on her side and would not leave her or crush her heart. And she should have known those things in the end as truth from you. But none of that was actually true, despite the fact you hinted and acted like it was when it served you.
When it came down to it, when the stakes were highest, you betrayed her. You hurt her in a way she never expected or experienced before, and that was after you knew her. After she let you in. Everything she was risking for you, you should have understood the weight of, given your own experiences. But for some reason, you could only think of yourself.
You must have felt that you had some right to be close to her while you were still attached to someone else and staying emotionally loyal to them without telling her. She knew that was the case after, in the way you spoke to her or what you did behind the scenes.
I wasn’t there but it is obvious even in the basic details she shared. And if not that, after the fact it is clear that you saw your actions as justifiable given your own “damage.” If you are at all still living in delusion about that, defensive about your feelings then, that is wrong. You never should have talked to her or flirted with her from day one if that was the case. You should have been straightforward and respectful the entire time. Not taking advantage of her emotions because of how good it made you feel in the moment, then forgetting about her and abusing her heart the second she was no longer convenient.
It seemed like you could not help yourself.
That you still had some sort of perception even after it all to believe that you were a victim somehow. I don’t know if you really got it.
That once she realized how wrong she had been about you, the damage was there.
Her reaction was not “unkind,” for her to shut down and quietly grieve after she had mistakenly showed her emotions when she was vulnerable, or her to need help and unfortunately turn to you in weak moments, when you would just hurt her more. It wasn’t because she is petty that over time she realized she did not want anything to do with it anymore.
She could never see you the same or trust you again because of how you hurt her. She did not decide that in retaliation.
She did not want to remember those things or have to be angry or hurt at all. She ended up there because you broke her. That is your fault, and it baffles me that you ever brought up anything she said against her when your words were so terrible to begin with.
You do not see that you are the source of any misery.
I wish you had seen the gift you had. Instead, you tried to destroy it. And you almost succeeded.
You have no idea what she went through but I do, because I was there. I will never understand how someone could know her and yet treat her this way. I know how sweet and caring of a person she is. She truly gives of herself in a way you could never appreciate. It may have been as simple as your attention being divided or elsewhere. But neglect can be as bad as cruelty. It was cruel to her.
She loves deeply. I am like that too, so I know the huge risk that is and how bad it can be when that is mishandled.
I am not wanting you to feel worse. Just know reality. Just because you regret it later, which it seemed more so due to consequences to yourself rather than to her, doesn’t mean you have changed.
I want you to understand that despite what she may think or do at times because of the kindness of her heart, even for you at times, which makes zero sense to me, I am not going to let this happen to her again. I’m the one who intervenes and I always will. As long as I am here.
And remember if you feel a wall there now it’s because you originally put it up, and I am ensuring it stays there… to protect her.
I will always be there to remind her of the truth, for her to be strong, to be smart.
You can go back to your obsession with whatever was so important you could put her down for it. Which likely, you already did. Or are still at least partly living in anyway. Based on what I know of people similar to you, you are probably going back and forth depending on where you are or what seems most likely at any point in time. A classic case of not knowing what you want, of wanting to have it all without having to sacrifice a thing.
If you went back to that person after telling her you hadn’t, then reached out to my friend at any point after, you should be ashamed of showing that much disrespect.
You did not deserve to know any part of her soul. Consider yourself lucky you once did. And let it sink in that this is over, permanently, forever.
Maybe she tried to forgive, maybe she will continue to try because of who she is, but there will be no second chance.
And if she is ever weak or tired enough in life to momentarily empathize to the point of being open to you even slightly again, I will step in to make sure nothing comes of it.