My illusion and delusion

An agony and a death akin to the one I have ever felt. My soul ripped and torn at the thought of losing you to someone else. Slipped, slipped and fell I did into the depths of oblivion. Slipped, slipped and fell did I into the pits of darkness. The agony and pain trudging me on to dig myself into a deeper darker hole of hell itself. Lost myself did I in my pain and agony. Tug, tug, tugged at my soul till I could bear it no more. There was no one to whom I could turn to, no one who could understand for none have felt as I have and if they had I had not met any. Fell from grace did I. Lost my wings to darkness I did. I cannot bear the pain that I have caused you for I know that was not me nor would I in good conscious from the depth of my soul have done that to you. I awoke from the depths of darkness by the mercy of something else and saw the carnage I had done, horrified at what I have done and become, I shrank like a piece of paper consumed by fire. Burned, burned to ember was I and turned to ash I flowed away with the wind as it scattered the parts of my soul into darkness. This was not me. Why, why did I do that. Can I call that love. That is not love. That was something else. This was not who I was. For the longest part of my life I was naive to believe I was good to the core of my soul but little did I know that something dark lurked in me waiting for the right time and situation to break out and take hold of me. But never did I forsee that all this would have been because of love. I did not know of my own darkness for I had never been faced with one. Hurt I did, hurt I did the one I love and I live with that burden every day of my life. I cannot get back my wings and my judgement awaits me for my sins. On the day of my death I will face my judgement with pain, agony and misery and accept it for I am at fault. I should have died to save you anymore pain of my existence just as mine own enemies wanted and planned. For death is surely a friend of mine now. For I had the fortune of meeting him and he came to me like a thief in the night driven by mine own enemies. Death stood before me ready to take me for sins not of my own but those of mine own enemies. For who knows what drives an enemy if not by their own insanities. Their force and energy culminated into a creature of it’s own, all working in unison for my destruction. Raged their souls did like sulphur and fire, laughing like a pack of hyenas, hungry like a pack of lions and ready to rip my soul to shreds. Life ebbed away from me, my lips shut off from prayer and prayer scurried away scared by the darkness before me. Alone I was in my turmoil for none could understand what was happening to me except for myself. My life was being taken from me by others. Their wills, their words, their feelings, their force, their energies and their thoughts. I should have let myself die. I should have let go and let the wills of mine own enemies take over. I should have let go. Maybe you will have had the peace you needed from the realisation of my death for had I not then become like mine own enemies unto you. My love, my life, the one I most treasured. Still my soul would have been haunted by the state of my unrest and bitterness. For the bitterness of my soul would have raged threatening to burn out hell itself. Yes now I had come to understand that then, insane, insane I had become like mine own enemies and understood did I at the easy corruptions of the soul in it’s many forms and ways. Their reasons insane but I understood their darkness. I have lost faith in my own goodness, for never in my life had I thought myself capable of such darkness that which I had always frowned upon myself. I have lost faith in the goodness that exists in this world. My vision is taken from me and all I see are grey clouds and monsters dressed as angels. I have been trying ever since to fight my way back to the light and back to my redemption all these years, even though I know my wings are lost to me forever and understand that consequence. I have been fighting to find my way back home to you all these years. My dreams of you are like an oasis in this desert soul of mine giving me visions of my own fears and hopes. But lately you come to me in my dreams full of so much care and love. I have no hope but something wills me to hope and have faith even though there is none. For does not hope and faith will us to live by some small grace of something bigger than us. For now I live, I live for the hope of you. It has always been my wish to make it up to you even with the sacrifice of my very own life for love of you. Whether or not this will happen Life requires that I move for life does not care about anyone but for it’s own purpose. Life is not hindered by pain or regret but only time, time that which quantifies that what life is to us. Life is a friend to none and a lover of none. Still I believe that you belong with me and I with you. Fear threatens to pull me back always. The what ifs and what nots. I realise that there may not be forgiveness for me from you but only love, hope and faith wish it. I don’t deserve to be in your life even though I wished to be in it. If I were to exist in a state of none existence it would have been a worthy price to pay for your peace of mind and in spirit. Still I love you, still. Whether for the good or detriment of my soul, I love you. That pain and agony unfortunately is my truth and both my illusion and my delusion.

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