R, my torment

R, you haunt me and have haunted me ever since I saw you 13 years ago. I have never been able to forget you but somehow you forgot me. I can’t believe you don’t remember ever saying hi to me on my way home. That stayed with me for many years. It was as if you had known me for a long time and my soul just said hi in return to a long lost friend. The way in which you greeted me jolted me awake and I thought maybe after passing me you would turn the car around and come talk to me but you didn’t. You stayed with me even though you weren’t physically around. Yes, I love you and I can’t change the way things turned out. Yes, he should have been our son but I can’t change the way things turned out. I know you have moved on and that you no longer think of me because you have other more precious people to consider. I never thought you liked me in a deeper sense and when you would send the explicit gifs or cartoon pics I felt like all you wanted was my ass. I guess I am wired differently from you. Maybe you were just in lust, maybe I was some peice of ass you wanted to grab onto, slap , tap and let jiggle it’s way back home, lol. But it shows she was always there with you and I really truly had no chance at all. There was nothing for me, was there? Anyway it would have been nice to have you fall deeply in love with me, at least I wouldn’t be in love alone. I don’t know why I am writing this down, maybe because I don’t have anyone I could talk to who can really understand how I am feeling. My thoughts are random and sporadic. They come and go like a change in weather and very unpredictable for you never know what I going to write about. I guess maybe people try to figure me out and put me in their own assumptions of who I am but they could never truly see who I am or what makes me tick. Writing them down is the only way for me to get them out of my system instead of keeping them inside. Maybe because I feel like others will think I am crazy for feeling the way I feel. I have never really had anyone understand me because I seem to be different to other people and when I try to be myself they react a certain type of way because they have their own point of view about me and well that makes me want to creep back into my shell. I hate darkness I have never understood it nor have I ever liked it for it scares me which is why being in my shell suffocates me. I thought we would have been different together despite our many own issues. I remember when we would chat I always thought of you coming to my place for a visit and maybe get to know one another better but some part of me had always been scared of the person you would find in me. Urgh, anyway I need to put this out somewhere safe were you wouldn’t find it. Just had to let it out.


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