R, my torment

R, you haunt me and have haunted me ever since I saw you 13 years ago. I have never been able to forget you but somehow you forgot me. I can’t believe you don’t remember ever saying hi to me on my way home. That stayed with me for many years. It was as if you had known me for a long time and my soul just said hi in return to a long lost friend. The way in which you greeted me jolted me awake and I thought maybe after passing me you would turn the car around and come talk to me but you didn’t. You stayed with me even though you weren’t physically around. Yes, I love you and I can’t change the way things turned out. Yes, he should have been our son but I can’t change the way things turned out. I know you have moved on and that you no longer think of me because you have other more precious people to consider. I never thought you liked me in a deeper sense and when you would send the explicit gifs or cartoon pics I felt like all you wanted was my ass. I guess I am wired differently from you. Maybe you were just in lust, maybe I was some peice of ass you wanted to grab onto, slap , tap and let jiggle it’s way back home, lol. But it shows she was always there with you and I really truly had no chance at all. There was nothing for me, was there? Anyway it would have been nice to have you fall deeply in love with me, at least I wouldn’t be in love alone. I don’t know why I am writing this down, maybe because I don’t have anyone I could talk to who can really understand how I am feeling. My thoughts are random and sporadic. They come and go like a change in weather and very unpredictable for you never know what I going to write about. I guess maybe people try to figure me out and put me in their own assumptions of who I am but they could never truly see who I am or what makes me tick. Writing them down is the only way for me to get them out of my system instead of keeping them inside. Maybe because I feel like others will think I am crazy for feeling the way I feel. I have never really had anyone understand me because I seem to be different to other people and when I try to be myself they react a certain type of way because they have their own point of view about me and well that makes me want to creep back into my shell. I hate darkness I have never understood it nor have I ever liked it for it scares me which is why being in my shell suffocates me. I thought we would have been different together despite our many own issues. I remember when we would chat I always thought of you coming to my place for a visit and maybe get to know one another better but some part of me had always been scared of the person you would find in me. Urgh, anyway I need to put this out somewhere safe were you wouldn’t find it. Just had to let it out.


Not for Me

You think I’m the one who should be seducing you….sorry, but you’re not for me.

You think your C game should be enough, after all it was enough for all the others….well sorry, go back to that basic lot because you’re not for me.

Hey, sexual attraction is the key right? All you need?….thanks but I’ll pass, you’re not for me.

But hey, you got that fancy car, that should be enough right? Well, you probably pronounce Porsche as a one syllable word. I’m not impressed because you’re not for me.

Your go to is try the jealousy move….sure, why not expose your insecurity all at once. Thank you, makes it so easy to see that you’re not for me.

You go off with someone else, good for you, but still want me….too bad I don’t share and you’re not for me.

There are BILLIONS of people on this planet, but only one me. If you don’t realize that by now….you know what it is.

As conceited as you are you probably thought I’ve been waiting for someone like you. False. And until you can put more than the first two letters into extraordinary, you’ll never be for me.

Let’s say hypothetically you move on, settle down, lol. Congrats that’s the best your life will ever be. And you’ll have to go all the rest of your days knowing you were never good enough for me.

You won’t see me or hear me, real g’s move in silence. But I’ll be out there somewhere, and you’ll know it, and it’ll drive you crazy. Because you know deep down I will find someone better than you, I’ll search the four corners of the earth til I find true perfection. And that one, that you would be ashamed to even gaze upon, that’s the one that is for me.

Don’t blame yourself just because you didn’t pass the muster. You’re not the first to leave with your heart in your hands, putting on a brave face when inside you’re absolutely devastated. You won’t be the last either. But I own you. Forever. That’s my superpower.

Simon, my hero

Simon remember that time I went on a walk with you guys on the hills of Scotland, I just wanted to say thank you for being my hero that day. Stupid me I just took it we were just going for a walk but it turned out to be a hike trail and I was so out of shape I felt like I was going to burst at the seems and couldn’t go any further. I remember telling you guys you could leave me and you will find me when you came back but you insisted that you stay with me to keep me company. I remember also thinking I could just jump into the loch and claw my way back on the rocks to the hotel but I don’t remember saying that out loud. Lol. Note of attention, I can’t even swim but then I think miracles would have been possible that day if I put my mind to it. My thoughts turned to you this day and I can only say you are the only man who stuck it out with me when I was having a hard time. You were kind enough to stay with me and keep me company while heading back to the hotel, making sure I was safe. This day I dedicate to you and your act of kindness and care to me. Will forever be grateful for you and that day. I hope wherever you are you are doing fine and wish you all the happiness in the world.

You’re so selfish!! :(

All you ever think about is yourself. You’re constantly wanting attention like a spoilt child. You’re meant to be a grown adult. I’ve also noticed that you always hang out with us both, but separately. Even though you b**** to me about her. Even if she HAS said anything bad about you to me, why would I even tell you? I probably wouldn’t tell you because it could cause arguments. You expect others to put in all of the effort, but we don’t get anything back from you. You tend to just stay in the distance, without letting any of us know what’s wrong. Are we meant to guess? Not all of us are mind readers. I have often wondered why you can’t hang around with us both at the same time. That’s why I’m beginning to wonder if it’s you who is actually the divider. You’ve been to her flat many times and made video’s with her and at of other stuff that you don’t even bother doing with me, so don’t go playing the “No-one cares” game, because it’s getting old. Also, you ran off with our supposed “mutual” friends without so much as a goodbye. I felt abandoned when I came back into the room to find that you just took off. You’re not much of a friend. I will.never know why I bothered taking up your offer of hanging out with you. If it was just to impress the support staff, well there you go, job done. What more is there that you could possibly have to say to me? Thanks for the very short-lived friendship [a few weeks]. You only do this to me, but you treat the rest of your friends here differently. I don’t think you understand how much it hurts my feelings. I’m not sure what you can ever do to make it up to me. I had abandonment issues and I still have trust issues, and you made out like you will definitely “look after me”. Your words, not mine. Oh well. If you’re just some flash-in-the-pan kind of “friend”, then you’re the kind of friend I really don’t need in my life. You can’t expect others to just approach YOU if YOU never approach THEM. As for reaching out, that’s still more or less the same thing, but you don’t even reach out to me, but you expect me to reach out to you. You can’t expect effort back without putting effort in. Oh and I’m so sorry about thinking about my own life first. Actually I’m not. Until or unless you come out of your overly dramatic woe-is-me phase, then I think I can at least begin to understand, but how can I if you’re not even talking to me anymore? What am I supposed to Think?

All I want

All I want is a baby. A beautiful bundle of joy. I’d take it into the local park and show it how beautiful nature is. I’d expose it to every new experience a baby should have. I can teach it how to stand, how to walk, how to read. I’ll play silly games (with educational purposes) til it passes out from exhaustion. I can watch baby shows ad nauseum and giggle alongside. I’ll always be understanding; babies don’t understand much, so yelling or being mean serves no purpose. We can go shopping, and pick out whatever cute baby clothes my baby wants. Pancakes every morning. Juice boxes on command. All the problems in the world, they don’t affect babies. They’re just happy and silly no matter what. My own life, no one cares, not even me. But that little baby, I can put everything I have into supporting it and showing it the best ways as best I can. Babies are the ultimate form of human life, it just goes downhill from there. And I want one. That’s all I want.