He just stands there

He just stands there, the man from church. The last time we saw each other he almost said something to me. But he always stands there. Looking. Quiet. Small smile on his face. Like does he like me or not. Is he married or not. If he is I won’t mess with him because I don’t need that kind of drama in my life. Yes, I like him but the way he’s acting makes me feel unloved and unwanted. I mean why can’t a decent guy just act normal around me without making me anxious as to whether am I delusional or not about him. Like I get being shy or extremely shy but it does a weird number on a girl when you never know if the guy is interested or not or whether married or not. It hurts a lot to have a guy act like that around you only to find out he has someone in his life. Like what the hell, I don’t need this. But he just stands there, looking, quiet, small smile on his face. Will he ever speak to me, if not it means that he was just playing with my feelings and he has someone in his life but just wants to see if he can still fish in the sea. Mxm, very frustrating. Still, he just stands there, looking, quiet with a small smile on his face.


Recently I was in the middle of a binge on Squid Game with my husband after a large amount of our circle of friends hopped on that visual entertainment train. Occasionally I like to pick a character from what I’m watching to do an art study with. This time I chose player 001, the old man with the brain tumor and I used a still from the marble episode Gganbu (best friends).
The timing was unfortunate on my part. I showed it to my girlfriend hidden in the comments of a Squid Games meme she posted , only to find out the next morning that one of her best friends , a young mother and wife that had been battling a brain tumor for years passed away within hours of this exchange.

I think of Sae-Beok and Ji-Yeong and I’m crying.

What Might Have Been

This sort of communication is not healthy. It’s a way of talking to a dead love. Most on these types of sites are females responding to each other, in hopes it’s their lover. It’s sad really. And isn’t healthy.

The flipside is someone has gotten their secret love to come here in order to communicate without it being known. How is that any healthier?!

We must all learn to grow up and express our emotions in a healthier and happier way.


What’s the point in having a mate who is too busy these days? You have to admit that you did decieve me a few weeks ago, by acting like we could spend every weekend together, but it wasn’t to be, I guess. You can’t then think that you have a right to protect me from harm or to be my friend, when you act like we never spent time together. Sort it out. You’re a terrible “friend”. You’re definitely not going to be on my christmas card list. You’ve missed out. If all we’re ever going to be, is two ships passing each other in the same corridor, then idk what else I’m supposed to think.

Te amo, mi amor

You’re right, of course. You deserve every bit of me. I’m sorry I haven’t always given you that.

The truth is, when I think about you, it makes me so happy. Look, I have high standards. I’ve passed on a lot, and I know people judge, but, hey, I feel like I know what I’m doing. You….you are fucking gorgeous. Everything about you, there’s nothing more I could ever want in that department. Even still, that wouldn’t be enough for me. It’s your intellect, your class, your values, that really put you over the top. I don’t want this sound like ‘you’re good enough for me’; what I mean is you are the woman I want to be with.

Forever. I want to subject myself to crazy nervousness while I plan out and execute the best proposal I can think of. I want to fuck you like a million times during our honeymoon. I want to hold your hand and tell you to breathe while you birth our babies. I want to do research and visits when we buy our first house. I want to say “HEY, respect your mother”, the first and every time our kids step out of line with you. I wanna retire with you and take you all the places you’ve never been. I wanna spoil our grandkids together, utilizing all the lessons we learned a little too late as parents. 150 years from now when you need a bionic hip, I want to completely take care of you, bring you soup, fluff your pillows, even any of the nasty business. It helps that I’ve already had all my bone, joint, and organ replacements by then :). You should smile too my baby, we’re going to live together forever!

I love you. Yes, I loved someone before you. And there was probably some time sharing involved between you two for some time. But that love has run it’s course. And even without you in the picture I know the healthy thing to do is to move past it. Even without being with you, I know 💯 you can make me happier, and make me a better man.

So, baby, this I what I got to say. And I know it’s a lot. That’s just kinda how I am. My mind is clear, my motivation at a level it hasn’t been at a decade. Yeah….there might be something you need to do too. But for my end, I promise you I will work my ass off and love you like no one else can.