Day: October 13, 2021

I’ll Never Know

Matteo,

If I’m being honest with myself, you were the one. You were it. You always were. I think on some level, you knew it too.

I think I was scared seeing your dad die when we were young. I was scared loving you because I knew you’d see the same unfair fate one day. Despite all this love and perfect imperfection, you were just like him. I knew, and I was a coward.

Seeing your dad die from ALS didn’t phase you, somehow. Like you understood so early that life wasn’t worth living if you didn’t LIVE. You were always smiling. Always just happy to be wherever you were. Always ready with a joke or a disarming catchphrase. I don’t think I was on your level, ever. You wielded love openly. I was afraid.

I’ll never forget stealing you from that girl you dated before me. How egotistical I was! But somehow, you knew you were meant for me. I never deserved you, and I always remember thinking how lucky I was to receive your love. Your heart was special. Greater than most. I knew that with my whole being.

I always hear people talk about how the good die young. I always thought that was overgeneralization until now. Your past is littered with philanthropy, with love, and with so many people who knew of your heart. It was so special. It feels so wrong now that it was gone too soon. So very, very wrong.

I still don’t know what happened, just that you’re gone too soon. Way too soon. Too soon for me to say what I’ve wanted to say this whole time:

I love you.

to my love

to my love
it’s been over a year now, but i’m getting tired of you bringing up your first love. i always heard people say ‘it sucks when they’re your first love but you’re not theirs’ and i never understood it until i heard her name for a year. you don’t bring her up as frequently as you did before – granted, you hardly bring her up at all now – but yesterday when you told me how much you loved me, you felt the need to say how you only ever loved one other person like you do me, and it was her. it’s been over half a decade since you last spoke to her and you only dated her for 2 months but i know you still search her up on social media and i know you think about her more than you let on. but what about me? it’s been over a year since we’ve been together – a longer and more serious relationship than you ever had with her. after over half a decade of no contact, it’s so unhealthy how you just haven’t stopped thinking about it or let it go. sure, maybe you think about it much less now, but you need to let it go and forget about her. i hate knowing that you think about her even though its been so long and it was so short lived even when you were with her, long before we met. i hate hearing about it and i hate that you think about her and i think its so unhealthy that you’re still dwelling on it years later when you have another girlfriend but i can’t tell you any of this because it’ll just hurt you or anger you, and it’ll only negatively impact our relationship. i wish you would just get help and fucking forget about her once and for all. let her go. stop stalking her on social media. stop thinking about her and stop thinking about what you had with her. i can’t deal with it anymore. i hate being second place, and i hate being second place to someone who did you dirty and who is no longer in your life, who has moved on herself and who exists only your mind now. i hate being second place to a memory. but i love you too much to tell you any of this, or to walk away.