Most beautiful

You were the most most wonderful, amazing, appreciative, supportive, cuddly, sweetest, understanding, generous, loving, and complicated man I’ve ever known. John, my heart will never be the same for all the joy you brought me in such a short time. I will never forget you. I will stay away for awhile, give you the space you have given me. Thank you. Never doubt that you were the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen and I pray I don’t cry when I realize we’re going to be better off as friends. It was incredible while it was, I can’t even hurt that it’s over. I love you.
~your blue haired old lady, L.

Words I wish you would read

I don’t eat apple fritters anymore, or drink Tim Horton’s coffee. I still visualize you standing on that corner every damn time.

Today I realized I probably was more in love with the way I felt when I was with you. You were toxic and broken and poison to my soul. You forgot to mention you were married, even with all the words you spewed at me. You are the reason I’ll never trust again and the reason I will forever be alone.

First Concert

Last night my five year old got to enjoy her first concert at Red Rocks, they was a family favorite from overseas called Heilung.

We’d been sitting on our tickets for just about 2 years now after the first scheduled date was rescheduled due to covid. After all that waiting though we finally got to have the moment fulfilled at the perfect venue for a band of this nature, and a bigger relief that the child enjoyed the experience until its complete end.
While we waited a few hours in line to get in we talked to a nice couple from the Houston Texas area who traveled up for the week just for this occasion. We’d watch the different costumed ensembles stroll by, people in capes and furs, horned headpieces and garments I normally see reserved for the renaissance Faire, faces painted amongst regularly attired folk. A young lady in viking dress gives each of my family a rune she made for the event. Later on a young man selling copper wrapped jewelry gives me a ring after I ask for his cars, I offer up a donation of ten dollars for his kind gesture.

The kid played games on her tablet until we finally got marching up the rampway to the steps that surrounded the natural amphitheater . The kid is fixated on taking in the strange sights she’s surrounded by, Oddly enough she fell asleep when the music began which might be in part my fault for using their music as lullabies on occasion but after her brief nap and trip to the restroom and merch booth to pick out her first concert shirt she was dancing and howling with the rest of them. She was I’m love with the moment and still made it to bed in time to get enough rest for school in the morning.


Dear T,

I’m about to fall of my chair from constant laughter. She has a crush on a gay man? A GAY man? Wtf? A gay man can’t have feelings for a straight woman. Wow. That is just completely something else from another planet, from another time. I don’t know, or have ever any straight woman who thinks it’s actually possible to have a relationship with a gay man. He won’t have feelings for her. He’s gay. She is straight. So errrrr, how to navigate THAT pointless fantasy. Thankgod none of us are in the same position. A gay man can’t have sexual thoughts about a straight woman. Unless he’s bi. But so far, I haven’t met any bi men, so I wouldn’t know.


Having a crush on anyone is pointless unless you’re actually going to actually have a genuine intimate relationship with the person. If you have a crush on someone while you’re in a relationship, well don’t bother pursuing that person you have the crush on, because you’ll only end up losing a way more meaningful mutual relationship with the man you’re already with. Having a crush isn’t worth losing your more genuine relationship for. If it turns out that you and your crush end up in an actual intimate relationship together, well, that’s nice, but you’re lucky if you can even get your crush to like you back in the same way that you like them. Some crushes aren’t worth the bother. Only pursue your crush if you’re single. Just be sure first.

The circle of life

I think I’d be a great parent.

What does a little baby want? Its parents to spend time with it, comfort it, play with it. I mean this is a no-brainer, almost nothing can bring you more joy. I saw an ad the other day for a baby toy subscription; it was featuring some toy where a ball comes out of a hole to the left, then the baby puts it back in and it comes out to the right. Immediately, I’m like ‘ambidextrousness’. That’s how my little boy makes varsity baseball and/or basketball. We’ll start training him on the 1 lb weights when he’s 4 or 5 so he can play football too. And a girl? How about princess tea parties and dance sessions to whatever pop star is in? Count me in!

When they get older, I won’t be very important, but I know this already. They won’t remember those times as a baby putting the ball in the hole; it’ll be whatever influencer or person they like at school that’ll dictate whatever their interests are. It’s fucking sad. Really fucking sad. But that’s how it is. I’ll still be their parent. Always there for them whenever they need me.

Someday, when we’re all much older, they’ll come back to visit, and we can have conversations Ive been waiting 30-40 years to have. They won’t understand my wait, not until they experience it with their own kids. It’ll be the first time we speak truly as equals. And I’ll be old, and my body will hurt. But then, randomly, in the middle of a card game or something else that becomes so trivial so fast, my grandchild will come sit on my lap and ask me for a sip of my coke, and I’ll remember how beautiful the cycle of life is.

What would you do differently?

The answer is nothing.

Do you regret things?

Yes, I do. None of them have anything to do with you or were caused by you.

Our case wouldn’t have happened if there had been a real chance. It only happened because we both could be sure that it would never turn into something real. It was a safe place for a while. It was exciting and fun until we were on the edge of losing control. I don’t hate you but I also don’t feel that I owe you anything. We both tried in our own ways and we both had our limitations. We don’t even know each other. I guess no one does.