All the Things I Want to Say to You

I think I fell in love with you the very first day I met you. Something clicked then, and at first I thought it was just an annoying crush, but I think I realize now that was love sliding into place for me. I didn’t think love at first sight was a thing, but I don’t know what else to call you and me. Of course, you didn’t love me at first sight—I don’t even know if you love me now—but if all you had to offer me at first was your friendship, then I would take that over nothing any day of the week.

But then something changed. I don’t know when it changed for you, or why, but something changed. Suddenly, you were always offering me a ride home. Suddenly, I looked pretty at work. Suddenly, I was cute. And, yet, we were still “just friends”. Cowardice from both sides kept us apart. But then I was leaving. And something changed again. This time, though, it was huge. Suddenly, I was beautiful. Suddenly, I was yours. Suddenly, I “might be the girl” for you. But I was also not your girl, as you liked to remind me, because I was leaving.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I can honestly say that while that may be true, it also fucking hurts. For a while, I thought we both felt that. Shared texts proclaiming the hurt we both feel, how much we wish the other was with us, and counting down the days until we see each other again. I thought we were on the same page. But then something changed. This time, I don’t know what it was, but something changed for you, and suddenly my texts went unanswered, phone calls unreturned. Little excuses about how bad you are at communicating seemed to put bandaids over those wounds, but I’m learning that they were too deep to be fixed that simply.

Now, I don’t know what to do. I want to be with you. I’ve put over a year’s worth of emotional investment in you, and right when I think you are finally giving me what I want, you pull back. I don’t know how to make this work. Am I expecting too much? Are we on different pages about what we are? I just wish you would talk to me to ease my worries. I feel like I have made it so clear what I want from you, and I just get ignored time and time again. At what point should I say “enough is enough?”. You told me you wanted to be with me. Is that still true? Because if it’s not please let me know so that I can move on. I still think I love you, and frankly, I probably always will in a way, but I need to know what is going on inside that head of yours because I am driving myself crazy trying to figure it out.

Weakness is new to me

I feel you but I also know how every time I am there so is someone else regardless if it is my doing or yours. I end up watching and wondering to myself “what is the reason for doing this” and then we both just piss each other off until the clock runs out.

I miss you. I do know that. But I also know I am not down for the same story different years type of situation over and over and over. I am so conflicted and it makes me question what the right move should be.

Sincerely Britney

Thinking of you..

Dear W.A

Today I was thinking of you. It’s so strange that after all this time I still cant forget you. You made a lasting impact on my life. In a good and positive way. You were a great inspiration, you are 1 of thee most talented and well educated women I know. You probably much wiser now too lol.

Anyway I won’t make this long. Just thought about you so I came on here to write to you,I know you may never see this too but that’s okay.
I love you and miss you
Take Care of yourself

Love: N.Carter


Today was a fucking awful day.

I’m getting married later this week. To the man I love, who has been my partner for over 9 years. And I just kept anticipating this week. Like building it up in my head. So excited, like this week was gonna be the best week of the year or something. I don’t know why I do this. It’s like I ruined it before it even started. We had a fight today, that started over something so asinine. So insignificant.

And then, of course, he just held onto the anger all day, which eventually left me feeling like I just had to tiptoe around him. That of course led to another fight. After which, I was told to run our pre-planned errands for the day by myself. Offered to pick up dinner for us. He declined. Came home and he was still irritated. Quiet. Just not really talking to me. Then he left to go for a ride on his motorcycle. Then he came back home and, in trying to ask him how we could better resolve/handle the situation in the future, I managed to make him more upset.

So now I’m just sitting awake in bed, writing this letter, because I feel so stupid for building this day up in my head. And we’re getting married this week. On Friday. And it’s only Monday and I’m already over this week.

I fucking hated today. Fuck this day.

On top of it all, my mom is toxic, my sister isn’t talking to me, and I just feel pretty alone. I hate this day. And I hate the way I feel right now.

Book club

Here’s a spoiler. Main spoiler in fact: I don’t like most people. I never have. I could go on and on about this, but really what’s important is that I do like you. A lot. Usually there’s trade offs. Sharp, but also dull. Radiant, but also dark. But you, my dear, are the complete package.

Why did you come back

I fell in love with you almost two years ago. You were something unobtainable and something I felt like I had to fight to win you and your feelings over. You led me on for 6 months with your constant excuses of why I wasn’t good enough to date. I’ve been through a lot in life- I’ve gotten beaten, raped, lied to, and abused- nothing hurt worse than hearing reasons why I wasn’t worthy of your love. I begged you for any kind of relationship with you that you’d allow. Finally in July you decided to say yes- simply to subside my begging I believe. Time kept on and the seasons changed, as they do. Your controlling remarks, your distrust, everything continued to worsen. Sometimes I think back and feel like taking a beating was a lot easier than wondering what kind of argument would ensue. Almost two years passed and I ended up living with you. You were never home and the house felt empty without you- it felt like a house; but when you arrived home from work and stayed with me a few minutes it felt like a home. In March when I finally decided to leave I stood in your bedroom- clutching the Better Homes and Gardens comforter I had surprised you with when you went on a trip I wasn’t allowed on. I knew this would be the last time I would stand there. I knew when I walked out of the house that night everything I had endured, everything I had begged for would be gone and you wouldn’t care. I was forfeiting all the good moments we had- even though they were scarce and fleeting- I knew we would never make another memory and I think that’s what hurt the worst. Months pass; I try seeing other people. I sleep around. I do anything I can to feel something. Anything. I knew I’d never see you again. I didn’t expect you to ever try to reach out to me. But two days ago while I was waiting in the church parking lot you sent me a message. Almost 6 months later. My heart burned, my mind churned with curiosity. I fall into your trap. You tell me everything I want to hear again. We could get married. We could have a baby. I could come back “home”. I close my eyes and soak in these moments because I know they won’t last too much longer. For a few moments I was so excited for what we could have. You never wanted to marry me before. You cringed at the thought of having a baby. But now here you are. Will this moment be fleeting, too? Then your true colors come out again. Everything comes out. I see the real you. You get so upset at me for being with other people when we weren’t together. You get angry that I didn’t wait for you… when I didn’t know I was expected to. I choke back tears at the mall. I cry in front of my friends. Today was supposed to be a happy day. I got a new job and got accepted in the special education program. I wanted to celebrate with you. I wanted so bad for someone to be proud of me- for once. I never felt like I was enough to anyone. I thought maybe today- you’d be proud of me and what I’ve done and what I’ve overcome. But you listen to me cry all the way home on the phone. I think of all the love songs that had started to make sense to me. All the love stories I started to understand. I know that this wasn’t meant to be and that I can only hurt so much. But I shouldn’t hate myself. I shouldn’t let you degrade me. I am worthy. I am worthy of someone’s love. Someone will love me one day and love won’t hurt.


It hurts me that you are like this, it hurts me that you don’t care about damaging anything, that you damaged my birthday, that I think I won’t be able to love anyone, that I won’t be able to trust anyone, that I don’t know if I can celebrate another birthday, you damaged my ability to recover, and stop having a heart of ice, that I don’t want to have anymore.

Deep down. I want to love someone, I want to love you, I want you to be different and, all this will never happen. I can’t handle the fact that you are like this, that you don’t change, it’s horrible. You mean a lot to me, but we will never be.