21 year friends and nothing more

Dear Jay,
You asked me once, why we never went out?
I told you I didn’t know, when actually, I did. We never went out because you never asked…because we met in February and you left in June. I thought you’d come back for me. .. I mean if it was meant to be. I silently hoped it, never acknowledged it. The first time I laid eyes on you, I thought, “Is that my husband?” … I’m not even sure I told anyone that. We became friends and nothing more. What’s funny is I went on to date someone, and I didn’t tell you. When you found out, you asked me why I didn’t tell you? You were genuinely happy and curious. I think it was a subconscious decision. Really didn’t think that until you asked. What’s funny is, several people through the years thought we would end up together. When they brought it up, I vehemently denied the possibility. When you got married, my heart sank when I received the news from our mutual friend. When your wife emailed a picture of you two on the beach, prominently displaying her ring, from your account with no accompanying words, I think the idea of us being a couple had crossed her mind, as well. After you got divorced, I thought, what if we just decided on our 40s to be together. I met you at 22. You visited me a couple of times. Our relationship has remained platonic. One time, we went to eat and you sat next to me, and laid your head on my shoulder. I didn’t know what to do, nor what to say. I just sat there in quiet shock and wonderment. It was a little brief, but prolonged at the same time. I know that makes no sense. I mean it was long enough for me to think about it, but short enough for me to do absolutely nothing about it. I’m not even sure I love you. I feel as though I could be all you need a wife to be. Loving, caring, supportive, gentle, your safe place. I think I’ve stifled any emotion for you from the start, because I never wanted to misstep. I was waiting for you, the man to “find” me… then you find someone else, and sometimes, I hear and see things that would suggest you’re not over that. I could be wrong. Anyway, I just wanted to write this out. I’ve always loved you as my friend. I’ve always wanted you to succeed and know I’m in your corner. Now as I close this, I feel like I can love you, romantically.

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