Why did you come back

I fell in love with you almost two years ago. You were something unobtainable and something I felt like I had to fight to win you and your feelings over. You led me on for 6 months with your constant excuses of why I wasn’t good enough to date. I’ve been through a lot in life- I’ve gotten beaten, raped, lied to, and abused- nothing hurt worse than hearing reasons why I wasn’t worthy of your love. I begged you for any kind of relationship with you that you’d allow. Finally in July you decided to say yes- simply to subside my begging I believe. Time kept on and the seasons changed, as they do. Your controlling remarks, your distrust, everything continued to worsen. Sometimes I think back and feel like taking a beating was a lot easier than wondering what kind of argument would ensue. Almost two years passed and I ended up living with you. You were never home and the house felt empty without you- it felt like a house; but when you arrived home from work and stayed with me a few minutes it felt like a home. In March when I finally decided to leave I stood in your bedroom- clutching the Better Homes and Gardens comforter I had surprised you with when you went on a trip I wasn’t allowed on. I knew this would be the last time I would stand there. I knew when I walked out of the house that night everything I had endured, everything I had begged for would be gone and you wouldn’t care. I was forfeiting all the good moments we had- even though they were scarce and fleeting- I knew we would never make another memory and I think that’s what hurt the worst. Months pass; I try seeing other people. I sleep around. I do anything I can to feel something. Anything. I knew I’d never see you again. I didn’t expect you to ever try to reach out to me. But two days ago while I was waiting in the church parking lot you sent me a message. Almost 6 months later. My heart burned, my mind churned with curiosity. I fall into your trap. You tell me everything I want to hear again. We could get married. We could have a baby. I could come back “home”. I close my eyes and soak in these moments because I know they won’t last too much longer. For a few moments I was so excited for what we could have. You never wanted to marry me before. You cringed at the thought of having a baby. But now here you are. Will this moment be fleeting, too? Then your true colors come out again. Everything comes out. I see the real you. You get so upset at me for being with other people when we weren’t together. You get angry that I didn’t wait for you… when I didn’t know I was expected to. I choke back tears at the mall. I cry in front of my friends. Today was supposed to be a happy day. I got a new job and got accepted in the special education program. I wanted to celebrate with you. I wanted so bad for someone to be proud of me- for once. I never felt like I was enough to anyone. I thought maybe today- you’d be proud of me and what I’ve done and what I’ve overcome. But you listen to me cry all the way home on the phone. I think of all the love songs that had started to make sense to me. All the love stories I started to understand. I know that this wasn’t meant to be and that I can only hurt so much. But I shouldn’t hate myself. I shouldn’t let you degrade me. I am worthy. I am worthy of someone’s love. Someone will love me one day and love won’t hurt.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.