This is a hard thing for me to write, because ultimately I have a lot of love for you. But I don’t think you have love for me anymore, or if you ever did. Your constant jabbings at me, about me, about things I have no control over, or things you could’ve controlled, but didn’t take the opportunity. I feel hopeless and helpless in this situation. I feel we can never come back from this. I’m not sure I want to. I’m a good person, or at least I try to be, and I deserve happiness. I do not want my own happiness at the expense of yours, but I have to make choices that are difficult sometimes. All I want is to be happy. I can’t cope. I can’t cope with you. I’m sorry.
I love you. I love you so much. Even after all this time I love you, and for the first time it doesn’t hurt. Loving you hurt me every second that we were together, and loving you after we broke up hurt. It was only when I stopped loving you that I could allow myself to love you again. This type of love is the purest I’ve ever felt for you because there’s no expectation, no pressure, nothing except me and my feelings. My feelings wavered so much during our 11 months but my love for you didn’t, not until long long after. I celebrated our anniversary, I sat down with myself and I sat through my emotions and I cried and yelled and screamed your name until I was fine. And afterwards, I felt relief, the relief that I had craved for more than a year and the relief that I had tried to substitute with devotion. I was devoted to you, I loved you better than anything else and I knew that you loved me too even though I could never be sure of how much. You talked me through my hard emotions and held my face tenderly and I knew you loved me. But you were also the woman who let me down, who accused me of horrible things who let her anger burn the ground she stood on who let her insecurities consume her. All the reasons you were awful for me and all the reasons I was awful for you tainted our love and poisoned us slowly. And yet I can now sit calmly and say that I love you without any of that, I forgive you. For hurting me, for letting me hurt you, for dragging it out, for being so angry. I forgive you for all of it and I love you again. We will never date again and that thought fills me with peace, it’s what lets me love you the way I do now. And that’s why I’m never sending this letter to you. I love you but it’s a peaceful kind of love, so different from the passionate fire that I burned for you during our relationship. This peace makes me happy, happy to remember you happy to keep your paintings and happy to love you. For so long, loving you meant that I was getting hurt and now it doesn’t, in a way that feels more real and attached than anything ever has. I told you had I had learned to love before you but feeling what I’m feeling now, I know that was a lie. You are my first love You are my first heartbreak You are my burden that I’m setting to rest. Loving you wasn’t enough to save our relationship but I’m so glad it played out the way it did. So whether we become friends or whether we never talk again, I’ll always hold you in my heart and this time it wont be the way a dagger rests on the flesh of a wound but rather the way an easy smile grazes a beautiful woman’s face. I hope you take care, I hope you rest easy and I hope that you feel that I love you the way I never could’ve imagine before. Goodbye <3
I will always love you. The person i thought i knew anyway. No, fuck that… YOU, all of you every last goddamn atom, i will always love you.
I know more now than i ever did and my belief hasnt wavered. You are a special creature on this world and I want you to realize it so fucking bad.
You were born perfect. Adults forced their inperfections onto you. But the core is still there. I pray daily to whatever guiding force exists to lead you to a place where you find your perfection again.
Its the only thing left that I need in life.
My former neighbors had a daughter named Jordan. They time ago now, Tonya moved to Casper and Sean stayed nearby since her daughter and mother live nearby. Before they separated I remember meeting Jordan on a number of occasions, and her fiance Chris briefly before he killed himself in front of her by hanging himself from a tree on the anniversary of his father’s own suicide.
I remember Tanya telling me how hard Jordan struggled with it afterwards and though Tanya seemed impatient when she would have a breakdown , I understood the challenges facing a memory like that posed daily.
It’s my first day back from my roadtrip and I get a text message from Tanya saying Jordan had died in an auto accident. When I let my husband know as he got back from his walk he wanted to offer some sort of support to Sean but panicked as he saw the last text message sent was a Happy Father’s Day, so he called instead. I don’t think either of us realized how recently it happened because Sean was still rough from crying cried too after the conversation ended. She was four years younger than me and though she may not have known me well, I had heard all sorts of stories from her childhood going to the renaissance Faire every year to some of her deepest tragedies and in that I had come to know her in a sense.
My family held a reunion, the first in five years at Dutch John Resort in Utah. I was told nearly all the cabins were rented out by family members from all the different branches. My cousin planed this one and for the first time that I know of picked the theme of a luau for the big party night. It was a six hour drive to get there from where I am, the first round we accidentally took a ultra backroads way trying to avoid the mudslides on I70. When we got there we were immediately greeted by a few of my cousins, aunt and uncle whom had arrived the previous day and then invited out rafting while mom kept an eye on my kid while she ran around with her baby cousins who had all instantly become best buddies.
When we finally got back to camp to settle in, we set up a tent next to mom’s in the cabin yard. We were the only ones to bring tents, everyone else either rented a cabin or had an rv. The bulk of the family had arrived by nightfall so I had to make the rounds to greet the ones I knew, there were others from Vegas and New Mexico I was much less familiar with that took more time for me to get conversational with.
The next day was luau and the cornhole tournament in the back of my grandma’s luxury cabin she was sharing with her sister . A large sign spelled out Aloha in the back and one of my cousins husband’s unveiled a project he had been working on, a massive foldout of our family tree that he then took Polaroids of all of us for its completion.
While it was a joy having everyone in this space having fun regardless of their beliefs there was a sadness knowing it would be the last time seeing some as age and health struggles tend to sneak up. I did my best to do my own documentation through pictures that I’ll send out later with Shutterfly.
My husband was even pleasantly suprised having expected a less hospitable environment with the political climate as it seems. He helped my aunt who is wheelchair bound by building up her shower chair and made his services readily available when someone needed help. I appreciated that.
Both nights after the sun went down the sky gave me a lightening show with all the light but none of the bite of thunder. Then around 12:30 coyotes would wander by, yipping on the fringes of camp. I may not have slept well but the experience was unique.