Month: July 2021

I’m sick of believing that you “genuinely love me”. I don’t think you do. Actions speak louder than words. Sometimes you don’t bother texting me for weeks. That isn’t true love. It’s uncaring and ignorant. If you really loved me, you would text me every week. What kind of little boy are you? I will easily find another man to be with if you can’t be bothered with me. And you wonder why no woman will stay long enough with you apart from Helen. I think deep down you know why, but you’re too lazy and too selfish to care about anyone but your lazy self. Even Helen was naive enough to be lured into your love trap. You don’t know what love is. And you have let your daughter down. I’m not sure what to even say to you or what to think about you anymore. Your hand is the only thing YOU’LL ever have a romantic relationship with. You will die a very lonely man, because none of us women are silly enough to believe that you love any of us. You have let me down massively. Not that you even will care that you HAVE let me down, cos you have a heart made of steel. Goodbye.

I just want to be close to you

Even if I am only ever near

Even if we never collide

And I am stuck in limbo between low lights

And cross logic puzzles.

I miss you in my lowest moments and my highest highs.

I miss the version of me that grazed your lips

Before winter became a perpetual season,

Before silence was a treasure that seldom came.

I miss you so much looking arounds rooms

Which you are never in.

I miss the days where everything felt beautiful inside me

The doorway to your heart was

Where I could be my most authentic self.

I know its too late

But I don’t think I can fully close the door

On Autumn.

I need to be close even if it isn’t meant to be,

Even if my heart is broken.

Because I loved who I was back then.

Today is the first step on saying goodbye to Winter.

I expect more from the two of you than anyone else on earth, because I know better than anyone but yourselves what you are capable of. And I am also more forgiving with you two than anyone else I know.

What duty you owe to family has been one of the most enduring questions I have ever grappled with. After a lot of different role models, both fictional and real, I decided upon the example set by the best person I’ve ever known. Family is absolute.

I’ve told you not to look to me as a role model. That’s a cop out. At least partially. I SHOULD have been a better example. But I wasn’t. And seeing you guys following my footsteps in so many ways hurts bad because not only do I feel even more so like I failed as an example, but because I know the pain that you’re gonna feel someday as a result of bad choices I’ve already been through. I know it’s just growing up. But I wanted to spare you as much as I could. What’s been eye-opening for me, having not listened as much as I should’ve to those who tried to help me, was seeing you guys make so many of my mistakes even though I know you don’t listen to me at all. Maybe it’s just genetics. But I also accept that the version of me that was around in your formative years was not a very good role model. And thats all on me. I’ve been trying really hard the last few years to be a better person, but I fear I missed my window to positively influence you in any meaningful way.

I wish I could say all this to your faces. Instead it will never be said at all. I’ve played it out 14 million times like Dr. Strange and there has never been even one scenario where I adequately expressed my frustration and you never talked to me again. I’m a pretty bold guy, but that’s a risk I cannot take. I fly off the handle so quick. And, in the moment, I know I would say unforgivable things. I really don’t like passive-aggressive behavior, but this is the best I can do. To put my own mind a little more at ease, if nothing else. You know what they say, Patience and Faith.

Sometimes I wonder if you did see this coming or what you saw at all. What if you’re just not that intelligent?

I have some serious work to do on myself. I never imagined that it would be you that broke me though and then left me all alone to figure it out. I’m going to take all that unwavering faith I had in our relationship, the deep felt confidence I felt in your love for me and the complete trust I had that we always had each other…. I’m going to take you out of those…. And turn it into unwavering faith, deep felt confidence and complete trust…. For ME. For myself. I can visualize now, my future self. I am starting to believe there’s a possibility that I can actually accept myself fully. That I will be able to love myself, not be ashamed of where I’ve been because I will be so proud of who I am.

I have desperately felt the need for you to tell me what it was I did wrong for you to leave me and to abandon the babies. Because for so long I have held you on a pedestal as being a more admirable and respectable person than I could ever be. I had been feeling that there must be something inherently wrong with ME, that I caused you to do this because the person I felt that you were was much to honest and trustworthy and loved those kids too fucking much otherwise. I am starting to understand things differently now. Now I’m desperate for the day that I cry over something else, that I’m not sad anymore and that I can look back to this experience with you as something I grew from…. Not the thing that broke my soul. I am so desperate for that day.

It might not be today, but I know one day you’ll miss us. I know you’ll even miss me. And when that happens I hope you reach out to me and we can reflect on our relationship, the good and the bad…what we did right and where it went wrong. I hope at some point you’ll have figured out why you chose to end things this way and when you do, I hope you’re okay with that answer. Its not often in life you find love like we had. I hope the reasons behind you throwing away ours was worth it.

Every day I get up and get on the computer and print out a fresh set of documents relating to my business. Some have charts, some have graphs, but all of them are important business documents that I need to conduct my business transactions. You think I’m a workaholic just because I was at the office until late and forgot your birthday dinner? Well excuse me for living! Where do you think the money to pay for that birthday dinner comes from? That’s right, it comes from me and my business documents. Of course I love you, you’re my wife for a reason – because we fell in love and got married. But you have got to get off my case about how much time I’m spending with my business documents.

I’ll be 32 and I’m reflecting on what an action packed month it’s been and the pleasant sights that seemed foreign to me not that long ago, several years ago I was in a space of deep depression at how hopeless it seemed to get the finances together for a small space of my own with my three cats while I was attending college and working 2 jobs (even in my highest paying position I was woefully short of the funding needed to establish my footing in an apartment in this city). It still seems strange to me that entering a partnership with my now husband turned that all around and flipped it with his patience to take all that on even including with the suprise of a child and all.

Earlier this month we hired some cat sitters and flew out to Idaho with my fam to visit my husband’s side of the family for the weekend of the fourtb. They kept us running around nonstop. My partners step dad rented a speedboat our first full day there and we spent the entire day on the very massive Priest lake with his folks,grandmother,pre teen sister and her friend, where we would find different beach like spots to anchor down and eat up. The trees in this region are so impressively tall and the lakes so big you might mistake being on the beach coast.

On the holiday of the 4th itself his folks got us passes to the Silverwood Adventure park, handing us his sister for the day so they could celebrate their own Independence day