I can’t

TR,
I’m a mess without you, my heart is shattered.
I can’t work, I can’t think, I can’t hold down a job, I’m struggling to even make it through interviews and offer letters much less working 40 hrs a week. The apartment is a mess, I tried for awhile to keep it up simply because it made it feel like you were still here, because I knew you wouldn’t like it being messy, but i can’t even manage that anymore. I somehow managed to actually lose a job the day I was supposed to start it, and now Ive even managed to screw up another immediately after signing the offer letter for the job. Im not ok. Even attempting to line up backup jobs and discovering those are falling through. I’m sure to lose my apartment after next month. I’m falling apart. I’m past the point of not being able to get out of bed. I understand there are more people in this world and I still hold out no hope for ever finding all the things I had in you with someone else. You were the one. I meet men every time I go anywhere, they want to talk, they want to date, they declare their intentions, and i dont care. I literally hate them for it, truth be told. All they manage to do is piss me off and make me think of you and how they could never handle me at my worst the way you did, or accept me for who i am, that even if I wrote these fools a book and didnt skip a chapter they couldnt begin to comprehend that all those chapters weren’t defeats, they were character building. That I am the heroine in my story, that after all the hardships I have faced, I only look back and recognize how strong it made me, how fierce, independent, and determined I became as a result. I’m not a victim, I’m a warrior. These silly men who become interested in me simply because of what I look like have no idea what depths lie beneath the surface, that my physical appearance is literally the least impressive attribute and it makes me never want to put a toe back into the dating pool to realize these half blind knuckle draggers are impressed by some chance of genetics that made me look this way and I have nothing to do with that. I deserve no credit for it at all. That I have been aware of that all my life and have done nothing but study & improve on myself. I miss you so much. There is no one I have ever wanted more in my life and you are gone. I would say Ive been through worse then heartbreak and survived but half a century of life experience has me convinced I will never find someone to compare to you. I will not settle for less than. I have enjoyed men’s company for the sake of company, with full knowledge that I would never feel anything deeper for them then some temporary companionship. Its all a waste of time, effort, and makeup. It’s not them I want and mostly even while in their company I only want them gone or to suddenly become you. I can’t imagine facing another 30 or 40 years without you. I dont see the point in being given all those years, it seems like a fate worse then death. There are actually days I dont think of you at all, days that I schedule every moment of my waking hours purposely so that I wont have to catch my breath much less think too much.. and i exhaust myself on those days, finally drifting off to sleep a dreamless coma for a full day. The only person who has any clue as too how much I’m hurting and dying over this has said I’m going to put myself into any early grave racing around a thousand directions at once.. and I somehow managed not to say what I instantly thought “I desperately hope so”
-L