I never thought it would be you

I have some serious work to do on myself. I never imagined that it would be you that broke me though and then left me all alone to figure it out. I’m going to take all that unwavering faith I had in our relationship, the deep felt confidence I felt in your love for me and the complete trust I had that we always had each other…. I’m going to take you out of those…. And turn it into unwavering faith, deep felt confidence and complete trust…. For ME. For myself. I can visualize now, my future self. I am starting to believe there’s a possibility that I can actually accept myself fully. That I will be able to love myself, not be ashamed of where I’ve been because I will be so proud of who I am.

I have desperately felt the need for you to tell me what it was I did wrong for you to leave me and to abandon the babies. Because for so long I have held you on a pedestal as being a more admirable and respectable person than I could ever be. I had been feeling that there must be something inherently wrong with ME, that I caused you to do this because the person I felt that you were was much to honest and trustworthy and loved those kids too fucking much otherwise. I am starting to understand things differently now. Now I’m desperate for the day that I cry over something else, that I’m not sad anymore and that I can look back to this experience with you as something I grew from…. Not the thing that broke my soul. I am so desperate for that day.

It might not be today, but I know one day you’ll miss us. I know you’ll even miss me. And when that happens I hope you reach out to me and we can reflect on our relationship, the good and the bad…what we did right and where it went wrong. I hope at some point you’ll have figured out why you chose to end things this way and when you do, I hope you’re okay with that answer. Its not often in life you find love like we had. I hope the reasons behind you throwing away ours was worth it.

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