My mom is over in Steamboat getting back surgery and I’m back at her home preparing it for being a recovery zone. I’ll be in my hometown for a week or two depending on how her post op healing goes. My mom’s husband is out of town on work during this time until an unknown date. She tells me it’s costing them 5k out of pocket but is a 95k surgery that insurance is covering the bulk of.
Day: May 25, 2021
From Russia with love
I recognize my value. It’s nice to have some people in my life that do too. I understand that most people won’t, and that is fine and perfectly normal. I want you to make me feel like I am good enough for you, but let’s be honest, when is that gonna happen? A recent jaunt to your neck of the woods, didn’t even bother reaching out. Not like you’d want to hang out or anything. It makes me feel a little sad, but it is what it is. I still like me, just the way I am, and with every potential to keep getting better. And if that’s still never good enough for you, I’ll find a way to be ok with that too. I cannot base my happiness on how you feel about me anymore; it’s well past time I look out for myself. I’ll always love you and wish you nothing but the best: what you deserve.
You will never know this but
If there was a love note with your name on it,
It would be composed of each selfless, micro interaction
Where you helped my soul heal
From things I never could talk about
But somehow you always knew I needed to.
You were the exhale from my raging storm
And I will die peacefully
Still thanking and kissing the steps that brought you to me.
I was NOT watching you
I am devastated, when i learnt you thought i was watching you i was confused, i did not realise when, until the person who told me of the accusation elaborated, then i realised when, and i was not at fault, i knew i wasn’t but i was also confused, i was done early that day due to the extra help, and therefore when i was talking to the other guys and you were there, you could have imagined it was because of you but, 1. I couldn’t know you would be there then, or for how long, and, i have never been before or since except those 2 days when i had help on my job, we both know how long it takes to do our job with no help and we get done sooner than we ought, so with help…..
Well that is fine if you didn’t hate me and act like i was a stalker, i am not, but the way you act to me now, i want to come out and say i didn’t do it, then i have to betray the trust of who told me, but i hate the hatred that comes off you. Especially we were so great before.
But i am suffering here every time you say “why are you here” or “What are you doing here” i am legitimately there, and you would rationally work it out, how do i ever know where or when you are ?
I have no way to and do not care, initially i wanted he friendship back, now i am slowly growing to hate you because you make me wish i was dead, better that than be accused of something i would never ever ever do.
I have lived with this hatred directed at me from you and accusation that weighs on me like a ton of weight, i want to say sorry if anything i did made you think this, but also be absolved of doing anything with intent or knowledge i did not, i have more i could say to prove myself innocent but do i risk it?
I dont need to cause issues for anyone so should i just leave be and stay hated by you for something i didnt do and can prove and just live as a hated person?