Day: May 7, 2021

The only person I should be angry with.

There I go again, pretending like I can fix it. That is the very definition of crazy, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. You think I’d learn 🤪

Certainly was surprised when your family reached out to mine and said that you wanted to marry me. A bit non traditional, but whatever. I showed up to the small chapel, packed with family and friends. I was so nervous, I hadn’t seen you in so long but this is what I wanted so I wanted it to be perfect. But you didn’t show up. So your family said we redo the wedding the next day. And we did, and everyone showed up again, except you. My dad took me out to dinner to cheer me up. And you were there working. I confronted you outside, and you said you had an on again off again thing with someone else. When it was off, you decided we should get married, but then it was on so you didn’t show up. Then it was off and on again and thus I got left at the altar twice in two days.

It was just my dream from a couple nights ago. But it wasn’t really wrong was it? I’ve seen you interact with so many different people of varying race, gender, class, etc. and you have every ability to be kind, sweet, polite, and caring. But you never are with me. With me it’s different for some reason. Hurting me just doesn’t bother you, does it? I’ll always come back right? You’ve burned every bridge between us, but then say it’s my fault without ever saying what I did or acknowledging anything you did. I get it a little. I mean I think it’s borderline against human nature for a person to be willing to be held accountable for their actions. Pretty much everyone I know is like that, including myself some times, what about you? But at the end of the day, you’ve left me hanging too many times, and it makes me feel really bad every time, and I know that if we were really together it would be the same way, treating me like I don’t matter, because that’s how it pretty much always been. That dynamic doesn’t just magically change when we get married in my dreams. In fact I don’t think it’s ever gonna change at all.

But feel free to prove me wrong.

I had to draw you out, I had to know for sure.
I always wondered how you could use my insecurities against me SO well.. it’s sad and so cruel.
You are not who I thought you were..
So it’s over now, you win… you broke me. I can’t think of any other reason why you would play this game.

Hey you,
I hope you are well!

I thought I had made up my mind and decided not to continue holding on to the memory of you. It’s been 7 years since we have last seen each other, just at 22 years old. Now we are both 29, and I thought I would have been farther in life, and you are in the place I would like to be, but you’re now going through a divorce.

I had decided to let the memory of you go, and even when I try…something reminds me of you. Now it makes me wonder what is next?